When You Come Back
by claire-kay
Summary: Haley left to go on tour and never came back. Nathan struggles with the reprecutions. Brooke and Lucas have their happily ever after? Peyton tries to move on. NP,LP,BL,NH
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Hello there. So I posted this story somewhere else, so its already written. I was really happy with how this turned out, so I decided to post it here. I really hope you guys like it and reviews are always appreciated.**

**Claire xoxox**

* * *

**When You Come Back**

**Summary: **Basically set from the start of season 3 ish. A few differences, Haley never came back, Brooke and Lucas are together "exclusively". And thats pretty much all you need to know. Any questions - ask.

**Couples: **Nathan & Peyton, Lucas & Peyton, Brooke & Lucas, Nathan & Haley.

* * *

Nathan waited until she had fallen asleep, watching from the chair in the corner of her room, he decided to leave now, her being pissed off in the morning would be something he would deal with then. He slowly got up out of the chair trying to remain quiet. The chair creaking slightly as he stood, he had almost got out the door...

_"Are you leaving"_

Startled Nathan turned around _"Your gonna have to be on your own sometime P."_

_"I know."_

Nathan moved back closer to the bed _"Besides I think my Mum's starting to worry that I've joined some kind of cult."_

_" Okay."_ He saw the disappoint in her eyes, even through her slight smile _"If you hear anything, if you even get slightly worried you call me alright?"_

_"I will."_ she nodded, still smiling

_"I'll see you tomorrow, be here at 8."_

_"See you Nate."_

_"Night Peyton."_

Walking out of Peyton's house he turned and looked up at her window, and he saw her bedside lamp go on, and he knew that Peyton wouldn't be sleeping tonight, and most likely neither would he.

He hadn't slept hardly slept since Haley left, it had got better since he left their apartment which was now homing Brooke. He hadn't been back since the day he left there, he barely remembers the day he did, all he knows are Brooke's stories of how messed up he had left the place.

He started the walk back to he's house, which was now back with he's Mum, and strangely enough he's Dad, after a fire at the dealership Dan needed care and he didn't really have many options having not exactly been the nicest guy, and Nathan noticed that he's Mum seemed to want to help him. He didn't question it, he's parents confused him enough he wasn't sure he really needed any kind of explanation, he let them get on with, he let it fall under his radar as he did most things, Nathan had become a different person since she had gone. First was the rage, the anger against what she had done, and now the realisation that she wasn't coming back had set in, she had been gone for 8 months...

8 months without Haley. He wished he could feel some kind of sense of getting over it, but the truth was he didn't think he ever would be, it would be one of those things that you would just deal with, he would move on with he's life, but always in the back of he's head she'd be there, the one thing he could never forget.

As he got home he found the house in darkness, which was not unusual since Peyton had been receiving strange emails, and her supposedly "mother" had turned up, Peyton had been uneasy and she had been a good friend to Nathan throughout the Haley situation he was there for her, and he stayed there when she wanted him to, he waited till she was asleep and then would leave, some nights she had caught him trying to leave and begged him to stay. Tonight was the one night she had accepted him leaving.

Nathan quietly entered he's house and walked up to he's room, he turned on the light noticing a brown A4 envelop on he's bed, there was no questioning to Nathan what it was, he knew.

He ripped open the envelope and pulled out the papers fast: Divorce.

Nathan shook he's head angrily and threw the papers across the room.

* * *

Peyton heard the door shut as Nathan left, she turned over in her bed and switched on her bedside light, she crawled out of bed and went over to her desk, she opened her sketch book and started looking through. She stopped suddenly at the picture of her and Lucas by the car "You don't know me" read the words, she wished she could go back to a time when that was true, when he didn't know her. When he didn't get to her the way he did now. 

Maybe her wish was coming true, they hadn't spoke in months, not since that night. She had no idea what he was doing what he was feeling, and he knew nothing about what had happened in her life over the past few weeks.

When Brooke returned after summer and had rekindled her relationship with Lucas, she had questions for everybody, I think she had expected to come back and everything would have been magically sorted out, and she noticed it straight away, that Peyton and Lucas weren't talking, all Peyton got was question after question was why they were not talking and Peyton made a choice one day after endless questions to be honest. A decision that she was starting to regret.

_Flashback_

_"Peyton talk to me please... I've tried asking Lucas, but he says you both have just been busy and haven't had time to talk, but I know that's bull, you and Lucas are friends, and I see you avoiding each other everyday..."_

_"Its been a really difficult few months Brooke okay?"_ Peyton sighed she had wanted to avoid this conversation, she knew she couldn't forever, as Brooke sat by her sighed grabbing hold of her hands she knew this could be the moment she lost her best friend forever.

_"I know it has."_

_" Do you?"_ Peyton saw the anger in Brooke, and she knew why, Peyton had been pushing Brooke away. _"Well talk to me and maybe I will Peyton!"_

_"Oh okay you wanna talk? Sure, how about some woman turns up on my doorstep and says she's my mum, how about I keep getting creepy emails..."_ She hoped that if she lashed out if she tried to make it not about the question she could put it off longer.

_"How about the fact that your avoiding questions your best friend is asking you?"_ Peyton sighed heavily _"Look it doesn't matter."_

_"It matters to me."_

This was it. Right now the moment that it would all change.

_"Fine. You wanna know? After you left, I told Lucas I was in love with him."_

Silence filled the room, Peyton looked away, not wanting to see the look she knew she would see in Brooke's eyes, all she heard was her speak quietly. _"What?"_

_"That's right, I'm in love with him. Happy now? Still my wanna be my BEST friend?"_ The tears had started and she couldn't stop them, all the times she had dreaded this moment, but now it was out there she felt free of it. Brooke opened her mouth to speak again _"But..." "But he doesn't love me? Yeah I know, I figured that out when I told him and looked at me like I was nothing and walked out that door and hasn't spoken to me since, and you know what the most pathetic thing is? He does THAT, and I still love him. But I think that pretty much sums me up. Peyton Sawyer Pathetic."_

**_End of Flashback_**

Peyton slammed her sketch book shut and threw it across the room, all her sketches scattering across her bed. She wasn't even angry, or sad, or really feeling any kind of emotion she had become numb by it all.

She looked over to her clock and it struck 2.30am, she wondered if anyone else was doing what she was, sitting alone in the dark wondering, hoping that there was more to life than this.

Nathan thought the same thing.

* * *

Nathan walked up to the usually unlocked door and called up to Peyton's window. _"P, its me!"_ This had become their morning ritual, as she appeared at the window, she smiled throwing the keys down to him. He made he's way into the house and quickly up the stairs. As he entered the room, he saw her rubbing her eyes. 

_"So did you sleep at all last night?"_ She sighed heavily, he knew she could never lie to him. _"The two hours you were here. You?"_ Nathan shook he's head slowly_ "Not really."_ He looked up deep into her eyes, until she broke the connection trying to lighten the mood. _"I'm glad to see that both of us plumiting into depression is rebuilding our friendship."_ he smiled, he didn't want her thinking thats the only reason that he was here _"It's more than our depression..."_ she nodded still smiling _"Your right, anger, bitterness..."_

Nathan broke from her gaze and began pacing across the room. _"I'm kinda sick of feeling that way though."_ He reached into he's bag and pulls out the envelope from last night and hands it to Peyton, she takes out the papers. _"They came yesterday in the mail."_ He could see from her face that she was surprised _"I'm sorry Nathan."_ He finally sat down on the bed, he's back facing her, he didn't want her to see the pain in he's eyes, although the break in he's voice gave it away. _"No need to be, I knew this was coming. No phone calls in over 4 months, nothing, this was fairly predictable wouldn't you say?"_ He turned to face her, her head leaning to the side sympathetically _"No. I really thought the two of you..."_ He stood up abruptly stopping her before she had a chance to finish speaking _"Don't... don't finish that sentence. Let's just go to school."_

She nodded picking up her bag and walked out the room. _"Just another day."_ He heard her say.

* * *

When they arrived at school the cheerleading team were rehearsing outside of the school, Brooke smiled and laughed as she showed the other girls new moves, Peyton dragged Nathan pulling him the opposite way. _"Did you ever actually tell her that you quit the squad?"_

Peyton slumped on a nearby bench pulling Nathan down opposite her _"Technically I never quit, cos I never actually left, I just stopped showing up." _Nathan laughed slightly shaking her head at her _"But you loved it P, you weren't doing it for Brooke, you were doing it for your Mum."_

Peyton looked away over towards Brooke, Nathan was right, she hadn't just being doing it Brooke, she had been doing it for her Mum, and at somewhere along the line she actually began to love it. _"And she turned out to be a liar."_ Nathan grabbed hold of her hand squeezing it slightly _"You don't know that. Did you call your Dad?"_

Peyton nodded _"After about half an hour of silence he said that he was coming back next weekend and we would discuss it then."_ She could tell by he's face that he was just as shocked as she had been on the phone. _"What so no explanation nothing?"_ She just shook her head, and then looked back over at her ex best friend and sighed heavily.

_"You should talk to her."_ Peyton almost laughed at the suggestion _"I can't, she made it pretty clear what I was to do Nate. Let me see if I can remember the exact quote... " Stay away from me, stay away from my boyfriend because neither of us want anything to do with you, do you understand?" I think thats making it clear how you feel huh?"_ Again she had surprised him, the truth was they had never really spoken to much about it, they both knew the pain was there under the surface, but they just never addressed it. _"I just don't believe that Lucas would feel that way."_

And with that name. That one name she was up out of her chair and across the quad quicker than she could say goodbye to him. Nathan looked over to the brunette again, who was still happily smiling away. How could she be like this to her friend? So heartless, she needed her best friend and she had completely cut her out. He got up from the bench and made he's way over to where she was, grabbing her lightly by the arm he pulled her away from everyone.

_"Nathan! What the... what do you want?"_

_"To talk you too Brooke."_

She smiled at him quickly about to move away _" I wanna talk to you about Peyton."_ Brooke looked him directly in the eye _"Not interested."_ Nathan shook he's head he still couldn't believe this is how Brooke was acting _"Brooke she's going through some stuff right now she needs you, she's your best friend."_ Again Brooke laughed in he's face

_"My best friend you say? Is that the best friend who is in love with MY boyfriend? Is that the best friend who fooled around with MY boyfriend..."_

She tried to walk away, but Nathan pulled her, looking down at her trying to see if there was any feelings for her friend somewhere _"You know if I remember it took two people to do that..."_

_"The difference is I gave them both a second chance, Lucas proved to me that he deserves it, but her? No way..."_

He didn't know what else to do, he was being there the way he could for Peyton, but the truth was he was barely coping himself, and he didn't even know if he really was helping her at all, Peyton needed Brooke, even if she would never admit it.

_"Please Brooke, I'm serious there's major stuff going on with her, if you..."_ He grabbed hold of her arm, but she pulled away angrily _"Did you not here me? I said NO."_ Nathan backed away nodding he's head, just as he looked up to see Lucas moving quickly towards them.

_"What the hell are you doing?"_

Nathan laughed as Lucas out he's arm around Brooke, he picked up the bag that he had placed on the floor in talking to Brooke. _"I'm trying to help out a friend."_ Lucas didn't respond he just shook he's head at Nathan _"Come on Brooke, lets go..."_

Nathan didn't know why, bu something snapped he hated the fact that they were both treating Peyton like this, she didn't deserve it _"You are unbelievable man...How can you? How can either of you live with yourselves, your friend, OUR friend is going through so much right now and all you care about is yourselves that you won't even go and ask her if she's okay."_ Lucas moved away from Brooke, moving closer to Nathan. _"I think your last person to be handing out advice Nathan."_ And he turned to move away _"What's that supposed to mean?"_ Lucas carried on walking back to Brooke, but without even turning back to look at Nathan he spoke again _"I dunno called your wife lately?"_

And with that Nathan really snapped, who the hell was he to be judging him, something took over him as he lunged towards hes brother, grabbing he's shirt from the back and throwing him against the nearest wall, he moved standing opposite him, pinning him against it.

_"You get one go at saying anything like that to me Lucas. ONE GO. Don't push it."_

He shoved him into the wall again and made he's way out of sight of them, as soon as he knew he couldn't be seen he leaned up against the nearest wall, he shut he's eyes, and breathed in deeply. Things had to get better soon, the pain had to fall away soon, these were the things Nathan had got good at repeatedly saying to himself, all he had to do now was believe them.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks to anyone who is reading - any comments are always appreciated. Claire xoxoxox**

**Chapter Two**

Peyton looked at her watch, she was already late for her next class, but she didn't really care, she liked it in the library, there was no one around it was peaceful, so silent. She sighed quietly and placed her earphones and played her ipod. Looking down at her empty sketch book, pencil in her hand ready for any sort of inspiration to coming... anything, something, but nothing.

She placed her pencil down, usually this was all she needed her music, being alone, and inspiration would come, but it had been the same for months, and she knew why but she kept blocking out, she figured the longer she could block it out she would.

Suddenly a book being slammed on the table shook her out of her daydream, she looked up half expecting to see Nathan being mad at her for not being in class, but instead to different eyes found her gaze, unexpected but angry eyes.

"I wanna talk to you." Lucas angrily pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down, he eyes glaring at her. Peyton removed her earphones, reverting her eyes from he's gaze.

"Okay." She didn't dare look at him, she could still feel he's eyes on her, she sensed he's anger before he even spoke.

"If you have something to say, can you not get Nathan to run around being rude to Brooke please? I saw him today yelling at her for what a crappy friend she's been to you, and clearly something you said made him do that..."

Peyton couldn't believe she was hearing this, for months she got nothing from him, not a single word. And now when he finally decided to say something it was to attack her for something she had nothing to do with "Okay... what?"

Lucas hit he's hand against the table, she had never seen him so angry. She didn't understand why he was being like this with her, above everything she thought they were friends, but it seemed to damned hard for him even to do that.

"Listen, I thought me and Brooke made it clear..."

Peyton had enough of what she was hearing – had he actually seeked her out just to reiterate what she already knew? "Yeah Lucas you did you made it crystal clear, you want nothing to do with me at all, you want me to stay away from you and stay away from Brooke. I figured that one out by myself." She shook her head as she looked across at him, he had nothing to say to her, and it hurt her so much to be sitting across from him and all could do was sit there as if looking straight through her "I can't believe you are acting like this..."

He got up out of the chair and turned "Its for the best Peyton..." she wiped a stray tear of her face, praying he didn't turn around, she didn't want him to see her cry. "After months of nothing, months of silence this is all I get? This is my explanation, the one that I had already figured out for myself."

He turned to look at her again – Peyton tried to see anything in he's eyes but there was nothing there – she couldn't even read him. "Tell Nathan to stay away from Brooke. And me."

"Do you not even care that your brother is sinking in all of this? That he needs you right now?"

He turned to face her again – she saw the anger in he's eyes once again. "He doesn't need me, he doesn't care about anyone but himself." She could feel herself getting just as angry back at him. Why was he acting like this? This isn't the Lucas she once knew – and it made her even more angry at her own feelings.

"Can you even hear yourself? God! I am so mad at myself, you stand here and say all these things, all these things that are so way off the mark, that are so hard to hear, that maybe are even cruel, and I still love you. How do you do that?"

He didn't say a word, not a thing, he looked away instantly, reaching to the ground to pick up the bag he had placed there earlier, for one second Peyton saw he's eyes catch hers, it made her even more angry, angry at him and the whole situation, but mostly at herself. She picked the book that he had slammed down on the desk and threw it harshly at it "Don't forget your book."

He catches it abruptly and for one moment she thinks she can see a sign of regret in he's eyes, but he is already walking away before she can say anything to him. He turns when he reaches the door, glancing back at her.

"I'm sorry Peyton."

* * *

Another day had pretty much gone by for Nathan, he got up, got Peyton, went to class, went to practice, came home, had dinner and now he was going to Peyton's. Same thing everyday, it was he's routine, he's way of coping stick to the routine nothing is put out of balance.

The truth was going to see Peyton had become the only good part of the day, even basketball wasn't the same, he wasn't playing the same, he had no drive no passion for it, he had somewhere along the way lost it.

But when he was with Peyton, he somehow felt safer, because she knew how he was feeling, she was there with him going through the same things just trying to deal with the hands that they had got dealt.

When Nathan got there he found the door open, worried he ran up to Peyton's room straight away, to find Peyton and her Dad mid-fight. He turned to leave straight away he knew they had a lot to talk about and he didn't want to interrupt, but he was stopped in he's tracks "Its okay Nathan, I think me and Peyton are done here." Peyton protested, Nathan could see from her face that she wasn't finished talking but he stopped her too "Its okay sweetie, we'll talk tomorrow" Nathan walked into the room and watched him leave, Peyton staring out the door, to the place where her Dad had been standing. He moved back across the room and sat by her side, he turned to look at her as she still sat gazing into space.

"When did he get back?"

"This afternoon. Its true Nathan, she's my mother."

Nathan raised he's arm, and placed it around her back, laying he's hand down softly on her shoulder.

"What are you gonna do?" She pulled away suddenly, he fingers in her hair. "Dammit Nathan! I don't know..." sighing heavily Peyton turned to face him "Lucas talked to me today... he was really mad at me. Something about you yelling at Brooke about me. Apparently I am to tell you to stay away from both of them, but he gave me that order after he told me to do the same thing."

Nathan looked down to the floor breaking the gaze that he had been holding with her, that wasn't he's intention he just wanted to help Peyton somehow. "I'm sorry Peyton... I didn't mean to get Lucas involved, I just I know that you miss Brooke..." Peyton nodded softly "Yeah I do. And I know that you were looking out for me. But there's no point in asking Brooke to talk to me, because she doesn't care."

Nathan didn't believe that for a second, but he saw from the look in Peyton's eyes that she had accepted that fact long ago, her and Brooke were no longer friends. Even though it hurt her so much to have to admit it, he saw it there he saw that she had already given over to that fate. He watched her move further away from him, making her way into her closet she turned to face him again – leaning up against the wall.

"He was standing there in front of me saying all these things, all these really hard to hear things, and... I just wanna get over him, I want him out of my head you know? Just even for a moment for it all to be gone, all that anger I have at myself for loving him to go..."

Nathan saw the tears form in her eyes, and instinctively moved off the bed and towards her, he knew exactly how she felt – because he felt the same way – he wanted the same things, just a moment of clarity a moment to be free from it all. He placed he's hand on her face "I know Peyton, I know" He pulled her in close to he's body her arms moving around he's shoulders holding on tightly too him, he rested he's hands on the small of he back, and held her closer to him, neither of them saying a word – just lost in the silence.

"I'm lucky to have you in my life Nathan, you've been a good friend." he nodded pulling away to face her "So have you, with everything thats happened you've been one thing thats helped me." She smiled – he knew it was forced through the pain she was feeling, but it was for him and even if for a moment he saw something in her eyes beyond the pain. He moved away again, placing he's hands in he's pocket, a feeling of familiarity sweeping over him.

"Are you gonna stay for a bit... I mean stay... just for a bit"

Nathan only nodded as he sat down on the bed, he watched Peyton walk over to her computer and put on some music that he had never heard of, wishing there were some way he could make it easier for her, some way he could help her. She didn't deserve this, she had been through too much already. He watched her for a while as she lost herself in the song, he remembered her always being like this, she turned around and leaned against her desk closing her eyes – taking it all in. He saw another tear fall from her eye and again he's instinct took over completely making he's way just to be near her. He reached for her hand and she took it, he pulled her in close to him, this time he's hands in her hair as she rested her head on he's shoulder and grabbed tightly onto he's back. He moved to face her still holding her close, moving stray curls from her face. And suddenly as if it seemed the most natural thing in the world he closed the space between them again, softly kissing her lips, he felt Peyton freeze against him and she started to move away, he stopped her grabbing hold of her hands pulling her in close to him again, her eyes darted across her face – asking so many questions with one look.

"What are you doing?"

He didn't know how to answer – all he knew all he could think was that it felt right, that anything that was making him feel something other than pain had to be something he couldn't ignore.

"Trying to forget" Nathan sighed looking down. Peyton moved her hand across he's facing forcing he's eyes to meet hers once again.

Peyton looked into he's eyes, they were filled with the same sadness as hers, and she knew that it meant nothing that any kiss would be just that, but she wanted to feel something anything, she wanted to feel like she deserved to be cared for. All it was, was trying to forget.

Peyton leaned into him again, searching he's eyes, looking for a sign that he regretted what he had just done, but he only grabbed hold off her once more pulling her in close again, kissing her again but this time with more urgency and passion, Peyton reciprocated standing on her tip toes her hands now in he's hair, deepening the kiss. He lifted her up, he's lips never leaving hers, he stopped at the edge of her bed – their eyes locking with one another as he lay her down on the bed.

It was nothing, just a way of forgetting, just a way of covering the pain with something else. A chance to feel something other than hurt of everything that had happened, neither of them had answers right now as to what any of it meant, both lost in each other, lost in the moment – wanting to feel that connection, to feel wanted.

Nathan opened he's eyes and for a moment forgot where he was, as he felt the movement of a body next to him, he scanned the room. These surroundings weren't unfamiliar too him, and the safeness of being here with her was making Nathan start to feel like things might actually be okay. And he hadn't felt that for the longest time. It was unexpected , that spark had always been there between them it was undeniable, but the realisation of what they had done was setting in and to he's surprise it wasn't a feeling of regret. Maybe this between them was nothing, but he knew both of them needed it, they both needed someone to be close too, someone to make them feel something again. He turned he's head to look at Peyton, she was lying on her side facing away, he rolled over onto he's side and ran he's hand down her back, he felt her body shudder under he's touch.

"I knew you weren't sleeping." Peyton rolled over to face him, he smiled at her softly, and she looked down shyly. He hadn't seen her be that way, she was usually so confident with him but he knew that she could tell that everything had changed now, that after this they couldn't go back. Nathan watched her as she placed her hands under her cheek leaning her face on them she smiled back.

"What are you thinking P?"

"I was thinking, that things in the dark of night can sometimes seem to mean something more. I was thinking what this means."

Peyton looks down, almost instantly she feels Nathan's hand on her face "Look at me" she doesn't. She can't, she pulls the covers over herself suddenly feeling self conscious.

"Hey" He runs he's hand down her face to her chin, lifting it up to look into her eyes "Look at me. This wasn't a mistake for me, and it wasn't a plan you know I didn't..."

"I know that, but Nate what are we doing? We're not in love, we're not together."

He nodded moving he's hand down her face and across her neck, resting it on her shoulder.

"I know. That doesn't mean that its wrong."

"Then what is it?"

He wishes he could give her an answer – that he had the answer not just for her, but for himself too " I don't know. But I know that in that moment you wanted the same thing I wanted to feel like you could be loved by someone, I wanted you Peyton, I'm not ashamed to admit that. And I still do."

Peyton rolled over on her back, staring straight up to the ceiling, she felt Nathan's stare on her, she felt him move closer to her, he's hand on her face turning it to look at him.

"Tell me you didn't want me, that you didn't want this, even for that small moment, and I'll go and we can forget it ever happened. I'm not saying me and you are gonna walk down the halls hand in hand, or try and start up what we had, but this being here with you now, like this."

"Things always seem to mean more in the dark of night. But in the morning we're gonna wake up, from barely any sleep, and things will be the same, we'll both still have the same hang ups that at the moment we're avoiding to think about, you'll still be wanting someone else, I'll still be wanting someone else. But are you saying that right now because we want each other its okay?"

Nathan pulls Peyton closer to him, moving he's arms around her body, he's hands softly stroking her back, her hands softly against he's chest.

"It doesn't feel wrong P. And I don't think its wrong for either one of us to have something or someone that helps us through this. Just let it be what it is."

_**When the road gets dark and you can no longer see - let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me**_

Peyton leaned in closer, and rested her head against he's chest, she heard he's heart beating. Nathan kissed her forehead and held her tighter.

"Nathan. Is everything going to change?"

"I don't the answer to that. But what I do know is I won't let you down, whatever this is, whatevers happening here, I won't ever let you down Peyton, and thats a promise."

_**And when the tears you cry - are all you can believe, just give these loving arms a try and have a little faith in me**_

Nathan rolled onto he's back taking her with him, she leaned into him kissing he's neck, as she felt him run he's hand through her hair, she suddenly felt safe again, a feeling that she thought she had lost, a feeling that she thought had abandoned her so long ago, and she couldn't help but cry. The feeling that maybe things could be okay, the feeling that even though right now things weren't as she wanted them to be, she had someone who wanted her, who needed her, who she needed back. And that may not have have meant a lot to most people, something most people take for granted, but for Peyton, it was what she had been waiting for, for a very long time.

**_time is our friend - cause for us there is no end and all you gotta do is have a little faith in me_**


	3. Chapter 3

When Peyton woke up the next morning she rolled over expecting to see someone lying by her side, so she was surprised to find no one there. As she got up quickly she saw a note on her pillow.

_"My Mum called._

_N"_

At least she hadn't been ditched for no reason, but after last night she just felt more confused. It wasn't something she had expected to happen, and she knew that perhaps continuing with it wasn't the best idea, but it felt good to be held in someones arms to feel wanted by someone again.

When she got downstairs her Dad was gone too, with another note.

_"Be back later today._

_Dad"_

Peyton was beginning to take the hint.

People always leave.

She sighed and sat down around the kitchen table looking around the room slowly, she looked at the clock she had to get ready for school, she wondered if Nathan would be here to pick her up, or if he would even be in school today, she hoped he was okay.

The mail arrived with a letter addressed to Peyton. She never got mail, and even before she opened it she knew who it was from.

_"Dear Peyton,_

_I didn't know how else to get you to listen and even right now I'm not under any illusions that you haven't ripped up this letter and thrown it away._

_But in case you decide to read this, I just wanted to apologise, I understand that your angry at me, I'm angry at me too, and I know you have no reason to want to see me, but I feel like I need to explain to you, like I owe you that._

_Maybe your not interested, maybe you don't care. But if you feel like you would want to talk to me, even just once. I am here until Friday and then I am leaving._

_Ellie"_

She didn't know what to feel, her emotions were right there on the surface, and curiosity was getting the better of her, and she hated that she wanted to know about this woman, this woman who abandoned her but she couldn't help it. Peyton had always lived by "People always leave" and now maybe someone actually wanted to get to know her, someone was wanting to stick around, and she was pushing them away.

Nathan felt worse than terrible for leaving Peyton, because he just hadn't wanted to, before he had left he watched her for a few moments breathing in and out, it was good to see her sleep so peacefully, it was good that he had finally got some sleep, until he was woken by he's phone.

He didn't know what he's Mum wanted, but she sounded terrible, almost scared even, so he knew he had to go. He had tried to stay out of this stuff, but he couldn't avoid it forever.

When he arrived at the house he's Mum was sitting in the lounge. She was shaking as she sat staring off into space _"Mum are you okay?"_ she turned startled and her face relaxed when she saw that it was Nathan. She shook her head slowly _"Whats wrong?"_

_"I had a nightmare. I have to tell you something Nathan, before I leave."_

Nathan sighed and look towards the front door, a suitcase sat there. As he looked back at he's Mum he knew she could see the disappoint from him, he's Mums' behaviour had been pretty crazy over the last few months, and he didn't blame her, she was after all married to Dan Scott.

_"Mum what's going – why are you leaving?"_

_"I did something that I'm not proud of Nathan, you remember I said we were gonna get out from your father?"_

He nodded moving closer to Deb as he saw the tears fill her eyes _"Yeah I remember that and then you moved him in..."_

_"I had to. The fire Nathan. It wasn't an accident. It was me. I did it."_

Nathan staggered backwards shaking he's head, he thought at first that this was some kind of joke, she wasn't capable of that – this was he's Mum – yes she had been troubled and been through a lot, but this wasn't her.

_"I told you Nathan we were gonna get a way out you and me..."_ he felt the anger rise up in him, like she was dragging him into this, justifying her actions by saying that she did it for him.

_"By killing him?"_ Deb moved closer to him but he backed away instantly _"Don't touch me... I can't believe you would actually do that, I know he's a bad guy, but I thought you were better than that, when you said find a way out I thought you just meant we'd leave..."_

_"Don't you see Nathan it didn't matter – if we left he'd still find a way to crawl back into your life..."_

_"It doesn't mean he deserves to die – and now what you just gonna run away, what about me huh? This isn't protecting me is it?"_

_"I have to go. You're father he knows it wasn't an accident and if he finds out that its me."_

_"Have you seen him? He's completely broken by all of this – and he..."_

_"What and you think if he knew what I did he'd just be fine with it. People don't change Nathan, you're father is a bad man and he always will be, you can't trust him"_

_"Did you even THINK about me?"_

_"I did all of it for you"_

_"I don't believe you. You did this for yourself because you were too much of a coward to walk away and try and live your life – I don't even know what to say to you Mum I don't know how someone could be so..."_

_"Please don't hate me for this Nathan"_

_"Just leave. Just get the hell out of here and don't come back"_

Deb moved towards her son again, trying to make eye contact trying to make him understand but he moved away and never looked her in the eye once. Nathan heard the door slam shut and he turned to see the suitcase gone, he looked around he's living room, it was filled with pictures of he's Mum and Dad pictures of all 3 of them, and he began to wonder if any of it actually meant anything to them, if he meant anything to them.

* * *

The morning was slow for Peyton, Nathan hadn't arrived for school and he hadn't called her, she knew something big must of happened she just sensed it, she thought about calling him as she sat down in the cafeteria to have lunch... as she got out her phone Lucas and Brooke walked in they went and sat with the other players and cheerleaders, Brooke glancing at her before grabbing Lucas arm and pulling him towards the table.

She sighed looking at the nothing surrounding her, just her alone. And she wondered how it came to this? What had she done to deserve this. Lucas didn't even look at her anymore, it was like she just wasn't there. And it killed her, she had tried a few times when she had seen him without Brooke attached to he's hip, but it always ended the same, he would look away, turn the corridor just to avoid her, the first few times she found herself crying in the girls toilets falling to the ground clenched in a ball sobbing uncontrollably, then after a while she stopped putting herself through the pain of trying, it hurt not to talk to him it did, but the pain of having to endure that was even worse, so she just stopped. She turned to look at them again, and shook her head, there was a time when she was so included in that group, half of her was relieved to be out of the show of it all, the constant exhaustion of always having to pretend to be something else, but another part of her missed it, missed her best friend. She felt a hand lay lightly on her shoulder and she turned to be met with he's face, she saw the pain in he's eyes immediately and she jumped up out if her seat.

_"Nathan was it?"_

_"What did I do to deserve this? I'm 17 years old, I already have an ex-wife who's still haunting me everywhere I go. My Mum and Dad – they don't even care about how I feel or what I do, and she.. she tried to kill him Peyton. My Mum tried to kill my Dad, and she left she walked out the door and I... I need you to tell me that its gonna be okay P... I need you just to say to me right now that everything is gonna figure itself out and that I am gonna be okay"_

Peyton tilted her head she could see the tears forming in Nathan's eyes and immediately it bought tears to her own. What could she say? She couldn't tell him that everything was going to be okay, because she didn't know that, she couldn't guarantee that, there would always be these things in life that test you – so she just said what she knew he needed to know.

_"Honestly Nathan, I don't know. But I can promise you one thing. I will always be here."_ He looked down the tears now falling from he's eyes – Peyton grabbed hold of he's hand _"Don't do this here okay. Lets go"_

Peyton picked up her bag and squeezed he's hand tightly, he squeezed her hand back and pulled her in close to him, wrapping he's arms around her waist at first and then moving he's hands up her back to resting one there and the other wrapping into her hair, he buried he's head into her shoulder. _"Thank you P."_

They didn't know but they had made an audience that lunch time, the table Brooke and Lucas resided was full of speculation from the cheerleaders, full of bitchy comments from Brooke.

But the person who felt it the most was the person who didn't speak about it at all, Lucas watched the two of them as everyone else around them shared their faults, he watched them hold onto each other so tightly, and then holding hands walked to Peyton's car, even after the car had gone he stayed staring transfixed on the place they had been standing. All he could think was why was Nathan hugging Peyton like that – it wasn't a hug that was about friendship there was something more there behind it, and he hated that.

* * *

Peyton was still confused about the whole situation, it had been a week since her and Nathan had started up whatever it was that they are. He would go over to hers every night the same as before but now things we different the need and want for each had grown in such a small time. She couldn't describe it but the closeness that had grown between them was something she needed so badly, even if maybe somewhere down inside she knew it was wrong she couldn't stop, it was like something drawing them to one another.

She didn't even understand it, she didn't try to, she knew it wasn't love, that it would mostly likely never be love, not in that way anyway. It was affection, passion and the fear of being alone that was sending them hurtling towards one another. She even knew that maybe more pain would be caused by their actions, but right now it was what she needed.

She slumped back down in the library again, hoping to hide out from another boring class, she sat at the back no one ever went back there this time of day, when she got there she found Lucas sitting at the table, almost as if he was waiting for her.

_"I figured you'd show up at some point. I want to talk to you"_

Peyton shook her head and sat down in the chair opposite him, she laughed slightly and looked directly at Lucas in the eye, the first time in a long time that he had actually looked at her _"Thats funny the last time we talked you said you didn't want to talk... "_

Lucas broke the gaze that they held and he looked down, shifting slightly in he's chair, Peyton shook her head again and pulled out her sketch book, she opened it up to a half drawn sketch and started to draw. She glanced up at Lucas who was still staring down _"I need to ask you something" _without looking away from her drawing Peyton responded _"Fine. Ask away."_

A silence filled the room, and Peyton knew Lucas, was finding the right way to ask whatever it was he wanted to ask, she didn't understand him, how one minute he could tell her to stay away from him and the next be here just asking questions whenever he felt like it, she just carried on drawing waiting for whatever it was he had to ask.

_"Are you screwing him?"_ Peyton stopped drawing for a moment and then carried on, she could feel the anger rise up in her , even if he had somehow found out or figured it out, what right did he have to be here asking her that. _"Who?"_

_"You know who."_ She looked up at him and shrugged her shoulders _"I really don't."_

_"Dammit Peyton"_ Lucas banged he's fist on the table and Peyton jumped back, she had hardly ever seen Lucas get that angry as he looked into her eyes again _"Nathan... you are aren't you? I see the way he looks at you..."_

Peyton was so angry with him for even asking her, she had nothing from him, not so much as even a hello in the corridor and now he was here asking her this as if he had some kind of right to know _"That's none of your damn business Luke."_

_"So why are you doing it huh Peyton? Cos you couldn't have me..."_ Peyton shook her head she really shouldn't have been surprised by he's behavior he had acted like an asshole to her for so long now and this was no different, but even as she sat there looking at him she couldn't believe it.

_"Don't even finish that sentence... do you even hear yourself right now?"_

_"When your with him are you thinking about me? Cos he's sure as hell not thinking about you is he?"_ Lucas words spat out at her with venom _"What both your level of depression and wanting other people drove you to each other?"_

_"ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU?"_

_"YES!"_

_"Why?"_ Peyton couldn't stop the tears now, she couldn't believe this was how they were with one another, someone who she loved so much treating her this, he was acting as if he didn't care at all about how she felt and it hurt her more than anything _"Why would you do that to me? Why would you turn your back on friendship when I told you how I felt, thats not the Lucas I know... why you act like you couldn't give a shit about me."_

Lucas shook he's head and looked at Peyton with disappointment etched across he's face _"There are lots of reasons Peyton but you know why. Brooke told me what you were gonna do, she told me your little plan, did you really think that I would..."_

Peyton looked up from her sketch book shaking her head _"Wait.. what? What plan?"_

Lucas eyes met hers again and they pierced though her as he spoke _"To break me and Brooke up anyway you could."_

Peyton didn't know whether to laugh or cry again, she shook her head. _"Is that what she said?"_ Lucas made no response he looked away and nodded he's head, Peyton moved around the table nearer to him.

_"Look at me. Look in my eyes."_ He turned he's head suddenly aware of the closeness that was between the two of them _"Yes I am in love with you. But I see how you feel about that girl and I know that she makes you happy. And for me? Stupid me... thats all I want. I would never break up something for you that would cause you any pain.. I would go out of my way to make sure that you were never in any pain."_

She saw Lucas' expression change as the words she had spoken sunk in _"She lied to you Lucas, and I can't believe you believed her. I can't believe you thought that of me."_

He turned away from her, she tried to search he's face of some kind of sign that he believed her, there was a time she would have known just by one look, but he seemed to have found a way to close off from her. _"Or maybe you were just looking for way to get me out of your life."_

Defeated Peyton stood up, she couldn't sit there any longer, the pain she felt of being such a stranger to Lucas hurt her more than anything else and to sit there with him having to see it for herself was too much. She stopped when she heard him begin to speak.

_"Just a way to get you out of my head."_

Peyton finds herself looking directly at him again, but this time her eyes are met by he's and she is sure she can see the glimmer of tears in them, she feels like she can't breathe like she dreamt the last thing he just said, and she sees the realisation of it for him over he's face almost immediately

_"I have to go"_ Lucas grabs he's bag and rushes out of the library, Peyton can't move from where she is standing still staring at the place he sat before.

Lucas runs out as quickly as he can – he almost can't breathe as he leans against the wall outside the library, he's breathing hitches as he tries to catch it. He feels a hand on he's shoulder that moves to he's neck resting on he's face. He turns to be met with Brooke smiling brightly.

_"Hey Boyfriend... whats wrong"_

He looks into her eyes that are full of concern but he can't be near her right now, he moves her hand away and starts to walk away _"Nothing, I have to go home"_

Brooke turns away heading into the library confused by Lucas behavior she sees Peyton standing with her back to her staring out the window she moves back out of the room to watch Lucas walking down the corridor and she can tell she just walked in on the end of them talking. She sighs heavily watching as he ex best friend slumps down on a chair her head in her hands gripping in her hair. And the back to her boyfriend who swings open the school doors practically running to get out of there as quick as he can.


	4. Chapter 4

Nathan stood at the rivercourt looking up at the net - no ball with him, no want to play, he just stood there looking up at it. Nathan should have been in school, but when he got there today something took him away from there he couldn't be there, he knew Peyton would wonder where he was, but she knew that he did this sometimes, he just had to get away from it.

He had been trying to avoid he's Dad since he's Mum left town, it was easy in that big house and he spent time at Peyton's to avoid being there. He knew he couldn't avoid it forever, and he had to go home at some point.

He started to make he's way there, thinking about Peyton being at school on her own, he hated the thought of her being alone at lunch having all her so called friends talking about her and now judging her. He knew she hated it too, she never said it, she never said much about it, any of the Lucas situation, but Nathan knew it all from the looks on her face, when he walked into a room, every time she saw him kiss Brooke, every time she saw him smile, her face would change, from no emotion from a blank face, to so many all at once, anger, envy, want...

He knew because he felt the same every time he thought about Haley, every time he saw something that reminded him of her, all the places he went etched with moments from their past, sometimes that what hurt more than anything else, was that everything was a constant reminder, flickers of what once used to be, a completely different life to what he had now, a completely different person to who he was then.

He thought about who he used to be before Haley. Was he any better of a person now? Did he really need to change that much in order to feel worthy of being loved? Had he been such a bad guy before? He had treated Lucas badly but looking back now Nathan knew that was only he's own insecurities, everyone used to say how much Haley changed him... how much she had done for him.

What about what Nathan had done for her? There was nothing... she had found him altered him and then broke he's heart. Maybe thats what he had deserved for being a bad person for all that time, maybe he deserved to be feeling like this.

When he arrived home he's dad wasn't home yet, he walked around he's empty house, through the kitchen to get a drink, the to the lounge, pictures of lies hanging on the walls. Smiling faces, playing happy families, everything looking perfect from the outside. The clicking of the door made Nathan jump out of he's daydream, the reality that he'd have to speak to he's Dad sinking in.

_"Nathan, nice to see you actually turn up at home for once."_

Nathan sighed heavily, it was typical that the first words he's Dad spoke to him wouldn't be to say hello or ask how he was doing, but just to have a dig at him. _"Nice to see you acting like you care Dad"_

_"I do care Nathan"_ Nathan just shook he's head, he had no reason to believe that from him, what reason or actions had he shown to prove that he could believe that from him

_"Have you heard from your mother?"_

Nathan turned he's back on he's Dad, he didn't know what to say to him, Dan hadn't exactly been disappointed when Deb had left so acting like he cared about it now, seemed out of character for him.

_"If she contacted you Nathan, I hope that you would tell me."_

All he could do was nod, he turned back to stare at he's Dad, wondering if he would actually ask how things were in he's life right now, ask how he was doing, ask how he was coping, but the blank expression on he's Dad's face gave Nathan all the answer he needed.

_"I'm going to my room"_

_"Nathan... Hows basketball?"_

Nathan was already out the room, part of him thought that he was actually going to talk to him, but no straight back to basketball. _"Same as everything else in my life. Messed up."_

Nathan left he's father standing alone in the lounge, he walked upstairs to he's room quickly, shutting the door, and crashing down on he's bed. He closed he's eyes trying to drown out all the images filling he's head, shutting off the noise of he's thoughts. He's cell phone rang bringing him back to reality. There was no one else it could be it would only be Peyton, no one else ever called him.

_"Hey P"_

_"Not quite."_ The voice on the end of the line shocked the hell out of him, mostly because he couldn't remember the last time Lucas had gone out of he's way to contact him at all, he sighed – just what he needed another confrontation from someone who gave up caring about him.

_"Lucas? What the hell do you want?"_

_"I'd like to talk to you. Its kinda important."_

_"Not interested"_

_"Its about..."_

Nathan hung up slamming the phone down on he's bedside cabinet. He was so angry with Lucas for the way he had treated him since Haley left, so angry with him for how he was treating Peyton, he didn't want to hear anything he had to say, just another story to fill he's mind, another lie to be told. He shut he's eyes again, hoping to sleep, but again the cell phone rang, and ignoring it didn't help. Why now all of a sudden was Lucas trying so hard.

_"Lucas! Take the hint, I don't wanna talk to you alright? You made it perfectly clear how you feel leave me the hell alone!"_

_"Hello to you too"_ this second voice shocked him even more than the first. He stood up from the bed, walking around the room, checking that he was hearing right, that he was awake that this was actually happening. He had pictured this happening so many times, to pick up the phone and hear her voice, but now after so long and after so much waiting, the sound wasn't as comforting as he once hoped.

_"Nathan... are you still there?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"How are you?"_

Nathan laughed at the stupidity of the question – had she actually just asked him how he was? Where should he begin, miserable and feeling completely alone, and a attempted murderer for a mother.

_"Oh I'm just great Haley! How are you? Hows the tour?"_ the bitterness was ringing through Nathan's voice and he knew it.

_"Don't be like that..."_

_"Don't tell me how to be Haley"_

He heard Haley sigh down the other end of the phone and he could feel himself getting more and more angry, for so long he had waited for this phone call, to hear her voice on the other end of this line, but now all he could think about was hanging up the phone. H e waited until she began to speak again.

_" I just wanted to... I'm back in Tree Hill Nathan... we have a show and I thought I'd come and see Lucas and..."_

_"Well thats a great story but I'm kinda busy."_

_"I thought maybe we could meet up before I leave.."_

_"You thought wrong."_

_" I'm here for two weeks so..."_

_"Well we really have no need to speak to each other. Have fun with Lucas."_

Nathan shut the phone, in a complete daze, unsure if the conversation was even real, not sure what to make of any of it, not understanding any of it. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and suddenly he's body had no control of what he was doing he moved out of he's room, out of he's house. He knew where he was going.

Haley was here just a few minutes away probably going to see Lucas, maybe thats why he called, why did she call? What was there to say? The divorce papers had spoken volumes. Was there anything else left to say.

He turned up at the door, he let himself in and walked up the stairs the familiar journey to see her, she was sitting where she usually was, by her computer staring at her blank sketch book, tapping her pencil lightly, he curly hair pulled back off her face, he didn't speak just watched her completely lost and transfixed.

She noticed he's presence, as she turned and saw him she smiled, a smile that was only kept for him, he's face remained expressionless.

_"You just missed my Dad. He had to go again. He said to say goodbye."_

With no words he moved towards her, lifting her up out of her chair, he ran he's hand along her arm touching her bare skin, he moved in closer and kissed her softly. Peyton pulled away tilting her head, smiling.

_"Hey to you too."_

He kissed her again but this time with more urgency and passion, still no words being spoken by him at all, he kissed along her neck and let down her hair, she shook her head and grinned slightly, he pulled her in closer and led her to the bed.

This wasn't like before this was different, something had taken hold of Nathan, he never understood what always drove him here, he thought it was he's pain he was feeling for Haley, that he needed to be with someone to stop him thinking about her, when the realisation hit him, he hadn't been thinking about her at all.

He didn't worry about where she was or what she was doing, or if she would be upset by he's actions.

It was Peyton. And he didn't understand what that meant, if it had to mean anything, but he knew that in these moments when he wanted Peyton more than anything, it was the best he had felt in the longest time.

He lay looking up at the ceiling - he could feel Peyton fidgeting next to him, like she did when she was trying to get comfortable, he stroked her back softly then pulled her in close to him, she rested her head on he's chest. She stirred and woke up and kissed he's chest and shut her eyes again.

_"Are you gonna talk tonight?"_

He didn't know what to say, what could he say? So many things needed to be said, there were so many things he wanted to say, but the only words that came out were the ones that to Nathan strangely seemed irrelevant to him.

_"Haley's back."_

Peyton waited until Nathan had fallen asleep and she got up out of bed, got dressed, left her house got into her car and started to drive.

She had no idea where she was going, she just had to get out. This was what she had worried about the most, the last thing she wanted in her life was more complications, and it seemed like this was just another thing that was becoming that.

But when she was with him when it was just her and Nathan it was like everything else on the outside had gone and it was just the two of them, she didn't know when it had happened that Nathan had become the person she relied on, when she became the person he relied on back. But what was it?

It wasn't love. Peyton knew that much.

She ended up at the Rivercourt - sometimes she did, it seemed to happen like instinct and she knew why. Lucas. She had driven by here so many times and he would be there playing basketball, sometimes just there reading - she would pull up in her car far enough way and just sit there somehow being there with him - he fear of her feelings for him keeping her away.

She had tried not to think about the fact that Brooke had made up some kind of story about Peyton trying to split them up- the truth was Peyton wasn't surprised that Brooke had done that, in some ways she suspected that she had and in a twisted way she was grateful - she knew deep down Lucas would never love her the way she needed him too and she had to get other him, and with him being friends with her would have made it harder.

So although Brooke's actions weren't meant to be mean and spiteful in some ways they had helped Peyton more than ever.

She got out of her car at the rivercourt and went and stood in the middle of it looking out across the river, it was so peaceful here at night, she took the letter out her pocket...

_"Dear Peyton,_

_I didn't know how else to get you to listen and even right now I'm not under any illusions that you haven't ripped up this letter and thrown it away._

_But in case you decide to read this, I just wanted to apologise, I understand that your angry at me, I'm angry at me too, and I know you have no reason to want to see me, but I feel like I need to explain to you, like I owe you that._

_Maybe your not interested, maybe you don't care. But if you feel like you would want to talk to me, even just once. I am here until Friday and then I am leaving._

_Ellie"_

It was Friday. And she was gone. Just another what would've been to add to Peyton's list. She sat there for the longest time starring at the letter, it started to get light when Peyton realised she better get back home, when she arrived Nathan was gone, this time there was no note, he was just gone.


	5. Chapter 5

Nathan avoided Peyton that weekend, which was strange he never wanted to avoid Peyton, but when he woke up that night to find her gone a sense of fear and worry seemed to consume him, the last thing he should have been doing was pushing Peyton away, but for some reason he felt guilty suddenly about what was happening between him and Peyton, that by just doing what they were doing would end up hurting her, and he couldn't stand the thought of that.

**Flashback**

_"Haley's back."_

Nathan lay staring up to the ceiling, he could feel Peyton shift beside him and her eyes watching her face but still he did not turn and look at her.

_"She called me earlier and she's back."_

_"For good?"_

Nathan just shook he's head, he's eyes still fixed on Peyton's ceiling for some reason not wanting to look away from that spot.

_"She said she had some shows and stuff..."_ Nathan sighed heavily as silence fell upon the room again, he felt Peyton move next to him again and her eyes no longer looking at him, he glanced quickly at her and saw she was mirroring him staring directly at the ceiling.

_"I don't what to say Nathan"_

Nathan sighed heavily and turned to look back up to the ceiling.

_"There's nothing to say."_

**End of Flashback**

****

Nathan didn't want it to sound like that but the truth was he didn't know what to say either, because he had no idea how to feel, and as he walked into school looking a round for Peyton, he didn't want to keep avoiding her. The truth was Peyton was one of the only good things he had in he's life right now. He needed her. As he approached her locker and looked around, he was met by something completely different. He saw _her._

She was just standing with Lucas and Brooke - and her and Brooke were laughing - happily laughing away, she brushed her hair out of her face and smiled, what was there to be so happy about?

Lucas however looked slightly annoyed, like it was the last place he wanted to be - Nathan for once felt the same feeling as he's brother. He tried not to stare but he couldn't help it - and the three of them soon felt the glare and they all looked at him staring blindly not sure what to do.

Suddenly Nathan felt like running away at that instant – he wished so hard that Peyton had been here, that he had that reassurance from her, he started to turn away he's body taking control of what he should do, then he felt a hand hold onto he's, squeezing it slightly. He knew already who was there at he's side, he turned and met her eyes, her face smiling up at him. They said nothing for a moment just happily lost in one another, as if there was no one outside of them.

_"Time to walk me to class."_

Nathan sighed looking down at he's feet, suddenly nervous again.

_"Peyton I can't go by them..."_

_"Sure you can. We can do it together."_

Nathan turned to look at her again, her eyes still staring intently at him and gripped her hand tighter and Peyton pulled him along slightly, smiling brightly as she did, Nathan only smiled as they walked by them, completely oblivious to anything that surrounded them.

* * *

Lucas watched from across the other side of the classroom - as Nathan and Peyton sat close to each other, Peyton's words about how Brooke had lied were ringing through he's head, he hadn't said anything to Brooke about it, he didn't want to ask her. He didn't want it to be real. He thought for as long as he could stay the same he would. Deep down Lucas knew the truth, maybe he had always known it and he tried to push that thought out of he's mind, but every time Brooke spoke to him he felt the anger growing more, but it wasn't only at Brooke, it was at himself.

_"Where are you today?"_

Lucas looked up startled by the voice so close to him, he turned to see Brooke smiling at him.

_"You've been somewhere else all day? Are you okay? I thought you'd be happy with Haley back?"_

Lucas stared at her concerned face, and he felt the anger rising up again and almost out of nowhere he heard the words being spoken from he's mouth, almost like he just couldn't hold it in any more.

_"Did you lie to me?"_

As he looked at Brooke's expression, half of him wished he could take it back, as the pain so evidently showed on her face, but the other half of him seemed to take over as the words continued to fall from he's mouth.

_"When you told me what Peyton said about breaking us up anyway she could. Was that a lie?"_

Brooke looked away, he didn't need the answer, he already knew.

_"Why would I lie to you?"_

_"That's what I'm trying to figure out."_

Brooke said nothing, she only shook her head, still looking down pretending to be reading her book.

_"Answer the question Brooke!"_

_"It looks like you've already made up your mind! What do you want me to say Lucas?"_

_"I want you to say no Lucas I would never lie to you. But you can't say that can you?"_

She looked up at him suddenly, Lucas saw anger glaring in her eyes, almost as if they were blaming him for all of this.

_"Why do you even care? She messed this up Luke, we're together now that what should matter. Why do you care how she is?"_

_"Because its about the way I've treated her. I've ignored her based on that lie, I've cut her out of my life, something I said to myself that I would never do... something I promised her I would never do, and I did that for us"_

Brooke let out a bitter laugh, turning her attention back to her book.

_"God forbid Peyton ever being..."_

_"Don't do that, don't you dare do that. This is on you Brooke. How can you say you love someone and then lie to them?"_

_"I did what I had to do to keep you Luke... when she told me how she felt about you, I felt that betrayal all over again, and I knew that if you stayed close to her..."_

_"To keep me? Can you even hear yourself? And you should have had faith in ME. You should've believed me when I said that I loved you above anyone else, you should've trusted me when I said that it was you I wanted."_

Brooke finally looked up at him again.

_"Face it Lucas, you've been waiting for an out of this relationship, and now you have it"_

_"No I hadn't. I loved you, I love... If you had been honest with me, I wouldn't need an out of this relationship."_

Brooke said nothing, she looked back down at her book, and Lucas got up out of he's chair gathering everything quickly together, ignoring the teacher asking him what he was doing, he walked out the classroom, once out the door he practically ran out the school.

* * *

Peyton watched as Lucas ran out of the classroom quickly, and as she looked to Brooke, whose face was buried in her book, tears falling down her face, she knew what had just happened. She wished she had kept her mouth shut that day, she should have just gone along with Brooke's story and let Lucas believe that Peyton had intended on sabotaging their relationship. But one thing that Peyton had never been able to do with Lucas was conceal the truth, he would have seen it in her eyes, seen it written all across her face. And maybe she wanted some kind of justice. Lingering feelings of malice towards Brooke, maybe had spurred her on to reveal the truth to Brooke. But looking at the scene that had unfolded she realised that she hadn't wanted that, because no matter what she said she loved and cared about the both, and just wanted them to be happy.

She turned to look at Nathan, who was staring at he's text book, with a confused expression on he's face, and as he looked up at the teacher who had started to explain something the confusing only multiplied she smiled at this slightly. Things between them had returned to some kind of normality, well what could be considered normal between the two of them anyway.

He hadn't spoken to Haley as far as she knew, he didn't talk about it, he didn't talk about her, not since the night she returned sometimes Peyton wished he would, other times she felt glad he didn't.

She had noticed a certain distance in he's eyes, since she came back, sometimes she would see him staring off into space, clearly lost in he's own thoughts. Peyton never questioned him about any of it, she figured if they came a time he did want to talk about it with her, he would.

When class was over Peyton was relieved, she got up quickly with Nathan trying to hurry out the door but as soon as she left she felt a hand grab her arm and push her against the lockers.

_"You just couldn't keep your mouth shut could you bitch!"_

Peyton shook her head _"I'm not doing this."_ She tried to move away from the locker only to find herself pushed against them again.

_"Tough shit Peyton cos I am."_

Peyton shook her had and edged towards Brooke _"Fine! Although I find it strange that you're mad, considering all this is your doing seeing as YOU lied"_

_"I lied to keep what I love."_

_"And look where that got you"_

Brooke raised her hand to strike it across Peyton's face, but Peyton grabbed her wrist and pushed Brooke against the lockers opposite. And moved close to Brooke.

_"I'm not doing this Brooke. We have nothing to say to each other that both of us don't already know. You can blame me all you want, you can blame me for everything for all I care. But YOU did this Brooke, not me"_

Peyton picked up her bag from the floor and started walking away furiously. She felt slightly liberated after doing that, like in some way she had finally let go of Brooke, the person who was just standing in front of her was not her best friend anymore. It was almost like it was a complete stranger. When she reached her looked she pulled it open angrily the door slamming against the one next to it, when she looked inside, a picture hung up of her and Brooke, she grabbed it and ripped it up and threw it on the floor. That's what their friendship had come to, throwing the blame, and yelling at each other in the hallway. She breathed in and out slowly leaning her head against the locker.

She jumped as she felt Nathan's hand on the bottom of her back, and she turned and smiled at him. With just that small touch Peyton felt reassured and safe in that moment, he smiled at her and suddenly she felt reassured that she had said and done the right thing, she shut her locker and Nathan took her hand and began the walk to outside the school.

Peyton got in her car, and watched as Nathan stood at the door, looking around.

_"You getting in?"_

_"I can't come over tonight P. I have something I have to do."_

Peyton didn't say anything. She knew what it was, she could sense from the way he was talking and acting that this was about Haley, again she didn't ask, just waited to hear what he had to say.

_"I wish... I'd rather be with you tonight that where I'm going."_

She believed him, something in he's eyes made her just know that it was true

_"You always manage to say the right thing."_

_"Making up for the past I guess"_

_"If you want, after whatever you have to go do. You can call me... if you want."_

_"I will."_

Peyton pulled away quickly, not looking back, not knowing that Nathan had watched her until her car was completely out of sight.

She didn't go straight home that night, she went to her mothers grave. She somehow in a weird way felt guilty for being curious about Ellie, that it would take something away from what her and her Mum had, she knew it was silly to feel that way but she couldn't help it. She tried not to be curious but it was just instinct to feel that way, she stayed there for a while - still trying to draw something anything but as usual nothing came. It was late and she decided to give up and go home - the thought of being there alone was strange to her she was used to Nathan being there a part of her wished he would be there when she got back, that he would have done what he had to do, and then decided to turn up at her house.

When she got back to her house, she went straight up to her room, she didn't bother to turn the light on she just slumped her bags on the floor and laid down on her bed and sighed. She saw movement from the chair near her computer, she smiled and lifted herself up leaning on her elbows, thinking that her hope for Nathan had come true.

_"Nathan? Thought you said you wouldn't be here tonight"_

_"Is he usually here every night?"_

Peyton sat up abruptly _"Lucas?"_ She turned to her side, and switched the light on next to bed, he barely lit the room, but as she turned back to look at him, she saw that it lit up he's face, which was looking directly at her.

_"I don't know why I'm here."_

_"Always a good thing to say when you have just let yourself into someones house."_

A silence filled the room as Peyton had no idea what to say. He had turned up here, he had come here to talk to her. It was up to him what to say – to speak first, she avoided any eye contact with him, looking down at her duvet playing with the material.

_"You know the last time I was in this room..."_

_"How could I forget. The day I told you how I felt and you went running out that door faster than anything"_

_"I reacted badly. I..."_

Peyton didn't say anything, what could she say to that? The way he was speaking already told her how horrible he felt about it, and somehow she knew anything she responded to that would only make him feel worse.

_"Sometimes I think I knew that Brooke lied. When you told me how you felt, I didn't know what to do or say, and Brooke she gave me a way out, but deep down I knew that wasn't who you were. That you weren't capable of doing that. I wanted it to go away, and the only way I could think of was if you hated me. If I went along with it. I was a coward"_

_"I get that now. And believe me, I've tried to hate you Lucas. After how you acted towards me, the things you said, I tried even more. But I couldn't, I'll never be able to, and thats what you got wrong, you underestimated my feelings for you. You underestimated me. You thought that they'd just go away, that by you treating me like shit like I could just forget about you. But it made it worse. Cos it made me love you just the same, but it made me hate myself for loving you that much. Like it was my fault I felt that"_

_"I never wanted you to feel that way."_

_"I think somewhere inside you, you did."_

_"Peyton, no I didn't. I just wanted... I wanted things to be better for you. I thought that if I was out of your life, then you could move on you wouldn't be thinking about me. All I ever did was complicate your feelings... I thought distance would..."_

_"Its funny you thought that, about you complicating my feelings. Because the thing is my feelings for you are the only thing I've ever been certain of."_

Lucas stood up from the chair and moved towards Peyton's door. Peyton watched him as he turned he's back on her, he didn't turn to look at her as he spoke.

_"Me too."_

She jumped off the bed and moved across the room away from in, almost trying to ignore the two words he had just said, she hadn't heard them, she just kept telling herself that. But as they replayed in her head she knew she had and she moved across the room towards him, her mouth open ready to say something, to shout at him anything, but all that came were tears, and as he turned to look at her, it only made it worse, the lump in her throat rising, the tears falling more than ever.

_"Don't do that... don't... I didn't mean..."_

Lucas made he's way closer to her, he moved he's arms almost as if he were to reach out to her, but he stopped himself as he saw her pull back, Peyton couldn't believe what was happening, she felt as thought she was dreaming the whole thing. She looked into he's eyes again, that were now filled with pain and sadness at her rejecting he's attempt to reach out to her.

_"I'm sorry Peyton"_

Peyton turned away and moved across the room again, the next noise she heard was the clicking of the front door closing, and she turned to look at the place Lucas had just stood, now empty. She had tried to be strong through all of this, to not let the feeling she had take over her, and it had been working, she had been some how managing to cope, but now as she sat in the darkness alone she felt weaker than ever, she had wanted Lucas to speak to her and acknowledge her again for so long, but now all she wanted was to take back him coming to see her tonight. What she wanted more than anything was for Nathan to walk through the door, pick her up in he's arms and tell her everything was going to be okay.


	6. Chapter 6

Hello! Sorry for the delay on an UD I've just been really busy at the moment.

Just wanted to say thanks to anyone who is reading the story and thank you for the reviews I am glad people like the story. Hopefully I'll be able to get the chapters up a bit quicker now.

Thanks Again

xoxox

* * *

Nathan wasn't even sure what he was doing, he didn't know why he had agreed to this, everything inside of him was screaming to run as far away from this as possible, yelling that he didn't owe her anything.

He's feelings had been confusing to him when she wasn't here, wanting to see her, wanting things back to the way they were when they were happy, but as soon as he got that call, as soon as he saw her face, he knew that wasn't going to solve any of the problems, it wouldn't make any of the pain go away, just because she was back.

In most ways it made things even worse, because not only was he now struggling with he's feelings for her, he realised how angry he still was at her, alot of anger that he had bottled up and now for some reason was all resurfacing just at the thought of her.

_**Flashback**_

_Nathan slams he's locker shut and rests he's head lightly against it, breathing deeply trying to regain some composure, he feels a hand lightly touch he's back, and he knows the touch he knows who it is._

**"_Get to class slacker."_**

_He smiled at the sound of Peyton's voice and she winked at him and smiling as she walked away backwards, before turning to walk down the hall. How is it she can do that? Make him smile with just a few words. Completely make him forget himself any pain he is feeling. He shut he's locker and turned to walk away – immediately crashing into he's past._

_He didn't want to do this, but how could he avoid her now? She was standing right there in front of him, he thought about just walking away, walking straight past Haley and going to class, but before he could she had already began to speak._

**"_I tried to call again the other day."_**

_Nathan nodded, he glanced at Haley quickly, she was staring at him intently, looking for some kind of response, he knew that much. **"Nathan, I think maybe it would be a good idea for us to meet up, we need to talk about some things. I know this is weird and difficult, I just think we need..."**_

_Nathan zoned out as she continued to speak. Maybe this is what they needed to do, If the talked about it perhaps they could come to some kind of resolve about it, and he might be able to let it go._

**"**_**Fine."** Haley smiled brightly. **"Great. I'm staying with Brooke, if you want to come over tonight"**_

_Nathan nodded again, and without saying another word he brushed past her down the corridor, with a feeling of dread suddenly taking over him. He felt like he was always in conflict with himself, he knew this was the right thing to, but how could he manage and have an actual conversation with her when he didn't even like standing near her for a couple of minutes. _

_**End of Flashback**_

Now here he was standing outside Brooke's apartment, the apartment that him and Haley had once lived in, the apartment that was full of all their memory's, their wedding night, countless nights the two of them talking till the early hours, and the night she left and walked out on their marriage. He had no courage to raise he's hand and knock on the door, he stepped back and rested against the fencing, looking around back he's car, all he had to do was walk over there get in and drive away.

He wished he had told Peyton where he was going tonight, she would have given some excellent perspective on this he knows it, but again as usual he kept her at a distance the same way she did with him, he didn't understand how he felt so close to her but at the same time so far away. But what he couldn't understand was why he was standing outside the door with Haley the other side, the thing he thought he had wanted more than anything, but was thinking about Peyton. The door swinging open pulled him away from he's thoughts.

Haley appeared, her hair tied up, a small smile on her face. He hated how amazing she looked, always so effortlessly beautiful. **_"So you gonna stand out there all night?"_**

**_"I was thinking about"_** she nodded and moved outside, pulling the door to behind her _**"I'll come out to you then"**_

Nathan sighed and turned around now leaning against the fencing, he thought back to all the times the two of them had spent out here talking and laughing. A time when he had been the happiest in he's life.

**_"Well, you said you wanted to talk, and I'm here. So talk"_**

Haley moved to stand beside him and leaned against the fencing.

_**"I've been trying to think of what to say all day, but everything seems..."**_

_**"Like it won't mean that much now anyway?"**_

She only nodded and turned to face him.

**_"I thought about you everyday..."_**

**_"I don't want to hear that. Why did I come here? I don't know why I thought that this would help me, I thought maybe you actually had something to say, offer some kind of..."_**

**_"Apology?"_**

**_"I'm an idiot. Because you're not sorry at all are you?"_**

**_"I'm sorry that I caused you pain, and that I hurt you. But I'm not sorry I went. Do you think it didn't hurt me? Leaving you like that..."_**

**_"Honestly? No. Haley you just left! Do you have any idea how it felt to be here? I kept thinking about that night, and I know I walked away and I was wrong to when you were telling me how you felt... but I never thought that you would just walk out on me. I just kept playing it all over and over in my head, I kept thinking if I had just stayed..."_**

**_"It wouldn't have made any difference. I wanted to go, and you didn't want me to"_**

**_"After all that thinking. I figured it out. None of it was about me, it was about you"_**

Haley sighed and turned to look at Nathan again **_"Yeah it was."_** Nathan shook he's head, and moved away from her.

**_"I didn't mean that in a good way. You were selfish Haley, as soon as we got married, every decision I made became one that WE made, I wasn't just thinking for me anymore, I was thinking of us. And we had so many people doubting us, but I saw how strong we were, or thought we were. I thought that you were doing the same thing, but I was so wrong."_** Nathan had he's back facing her now, and he didn't quite know how he managed it but he turned to face her and for the first time he looked her directly in the eye.

**_"All I wanna know is, why you bought me here tonight. Why you asked me to come here. What is it you have to say?"_**

Nathan shook he's head when she gave no response, is this all this was going to be? She didn't have anything to say for herself, and the anger that was already there began to rise further.

**_"I miss you Nathan. Thats what I wanted to tell you. I miss you"_**

She started to move towards him, but backed away **_"No. Don't..."_**

Nathan had spent years building up a facade that he could hide he's feelings behind, but with those words from her, it was breaking down. The pain that she had caused him was etched across he's face, and he realised that he didn't want this. He thought he had, all those nights he had imagined her walking back into he's life and saying those exact words and him being happy again, but now as they stood closely together, he had never felt more far away from her than ever. It took her walking back into he's life again to realise that was the last thing he wanted.

**_"I knew you wouldn't be happy to see me or really want to talk to me. But I didn't realise you can't even bare to have me near you."_**

**_"You live 6 months with a broken heart and then you'll be where I am._**

**_"I have been."_**

He couldn't help it, all the anger he had been holding inside of him towards her was rising out of him, with every word she said it only made it worse.

**_"WHY? WHY ARE YOU BACK HERE HALEY? You leave me. You ask to be divorced from me. And then you come back and tell me that you miss me and that YOU have a broken heart? I can't believe anything you say... it was all just lies wasn't it?_**

**_"No! One thing that wasn't a lie was that I love you..."_**

**_"SHUT UP! Don't even... You know whats crazy? Before you came back all I kept hoping was that you would, even after the divorce came through I just kept thinking - if only she could come back we could talk and this could be sorted out, but now your here its the last thing I want."_**

**_"So what thats it?"_**

_**"You made that decision when you walked out that door and left me alone, I couldn't be the wreck of the person I was when you left forever I had to learn to get over it. I thought that I wasn't, that I'd feel like that forever, but I'm finally starting to feel like me again, like everything is going to be okay, and I did that without you, after all the pain I felt when you left, I found a way through it"**_

Nathan shook he's head as he looked at Haley**_ "And I can't believe I'm realising it just now"_** He didn't wait for any kind of response from Haley, he knew that anything she said wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference right now.

He started walking and without even thinking about it, he knew exactly where he was going. For the longest time he kept all of this in, all of he's feelings about her leaving, he hadn't realised but maybe he was keeping it all inside ready to see her to let it all out at her rather than bothering someone else. He figured if he just kept it all inside dealt with it in he's own way, he would get through it, but just seeing her had bought it all to the surface. He didn't know what made him more angry the fact that she had the audacity to say she missed him, or the fact that she seemed to have no regret about leaving him behind. As he reached he's destination he looked up at her window, a light shining through a gap in the curtain, for a split second part of him wanted to walk away to not bother Peyton with any of this, she had enough of her problems, she didn't need he's as well. But the urge to see her overtook everything else, and before he could even finish the thought of walking away he's was half way up the staircase and heading to her bedroom.

Pushing the door open slightly, looks around, seeing her lying on her side on the bed, her back facing him. Leaning into the door frame Nathan watched her just for a moment, he knew she wasn't asleep he could tell from the way she was still moving slightly on the bed, trying to make herself comfortable. Nathan moved closer to the bed and without speaking he sat on the bed, then moved around leaning he's body into hers, wrapping an arm round her waist and pulling her close to him, he feels Peyton lean her head back into he's neck, he closes he's eyes, and takes in the moment, he didn't know when it had happened and he didn't care why, but this had become the most comfortable place for him to be. With Peyton, her wrapped up in he's arms.

Peyton turned her body round to face him, and looks up into he's eyes, as soon as he sees her eyes he knows she's been crying, and he wishes he had been here, he wishes he could take back going to see her over Peyton, feeling guilty that he wasn't here to dry her tears. He moves a hand to her facing wiping away a stray tear, and leans her in close to him again, kissing her softly on the forehead. And its in that moment Nathan realises that this had never been about trying to forget, what he and Peyton shared was so much more than that now.

_**This would be easier if you'd understand**_ **_face the truth and realise that none of this was planned_** **_-_** **_the way we worry about such little things_** **_take a time to take the break_** _**darling spread your wings**_

He knew what the dried tears on her face were from, he knew who had caused those tears, and he wished he could do something to take it away, he wished he could make her forget, but he knew better, he could even tell her that eventually one day she would get over this - but it makes no difference when you love someone they consume you, they take a part of you and keep it with them and when that person can't or doesn't love you back its like that piece is missing forever and getting it back seems like an impossible task.

He moved a strand of her hair from her face, and she moved her face to look at him again, resting her cheek into he's hand.

**_"I thought you said you wouldn't be here tonight"_**

**_"Well you know me P. I just can't stay away"_**

She smiled slightly, and moved her hands up to rest onto he's chest.

**_"Where were you?"_** He didn't want to lie, not to Peyton, and he knew that he would never be able to. **_"Haley?"_** Nathan nodded slightly as Peyton rested her head into he's chest again.

**_"How did it go?"_**

**_"In some ways it was terrible. And in others liberating"_**

She looked up at him again, and seemed to give him a look that told him that she understood completely, he wiped away another tear that fell.**_ "Lucas?"_** She didn't turn away from him, and her eyes told him the answer he already knew.

**_"He apologised. For everything. And it was..."_**

**_"Overwhelming?"_**

**_"How is you always managed to do that? Say how I'm feeling without me even knowing it."_**

**_"Because I know you Peyton"_**

****

_**Let's dance to the beat of the drum l**__**et's go out, where we don't know anyone - **__**cause it's you I don't need anyone else **__**I got you I don't need anyone else but you**_

****

Nathan moved onto he's back, pulling Peyton with him and she rested her head into the crook of he's neck, her hand falling to he's chest. And Nathan realised that this feeling, being here like this with Peyton was something that made everything seem to make sense. It made him feel like everything else outside of this moment was irrelevant, because as long as he always had this feeling he could get through all the bad things

_**Strange how something comes from nothing I came around to your way **__**of thinking about these things - saw your face in a crowd - **__**I knew that you were special and it will change my world **__**if I could help you now**_

****

Nathan sighed softly, stroking her hair **_"Sometimes when I'm here with you like this..."_**

****

_**If nothings gonna change your mind then no one's gonna help you find y**__**our place in this world so strange we don't need a help you know**_

****

**_" ...it feels like we're the only two people in the world."_**

****

_**And no one could ask for more.**_

* * *

Song: Badly Drawn Boy - Nothings Gonna Change Your Mind


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello!**

**Just wanted to say thanks to kaitlin23, RaeRaeRaeLiz, missindependent and swedishblonde for the reviews - it means loads to me when people tell me what they think of the story. Thanks to anyone else who is reading too I really appreciate it. Here's the next chapter, its not that long this one, but the ones coming up after this are. So hope you enjoy**

**xox**

**

* * *

**Peyton never asked Nathan what had been said that night. She knew that somethings were too hard for Nathan to say, she was the same way, after both being hurt by the person they cared most about it was something that had mastered - putting up walls, only giving so much of themselves away. 

School was dragging and as Peyton stared out the window, out onto the rain falling heavily, she sighed and glanced over at Lucas who was looking down at he's book, never taking he's eyes away from it.

They hadn't spoken since that night, Peyton wasn't even sure what she would say to him, how to begin. But as she looked at him all she could see was how sad he looked, how he seemed so far away from it all, she knew the look on he's face because it was the face that she saw in herself everyday.

Peyton looked at Brooke, Brooke wasn't focusing on anything she wasn't reading, she wasn't listening to the teacher, she was just staring straight ahead lost in her thoughts completely oblivious to anything around her.

But Peyton saw the connection in Lucas and Brooke's gazes. The heartbreak in both of them. She turned away again looking out the window watching the rain, and her thoughts immediately went to Nathan and the empty seat behind her. She had become acquainted with Nathan's ways, sometimes he wouldn't be in class, sometimes he would go to the rivercourt, or just head home, it was something he did, it was almost as if being there had been too much for him. She smiled to herself the thought of Nathan getting to the rivercourt and the rain starting to fall, she hoped that on returning home she'd find him waiting for her.

The bell ringing was an alarm call, everyone jumped up out of their seats practically running out of their seats. Lucas remained seated in he's chair as almost everyone else cleared out the classroom, he stood up slowly putting he's books away in he's bag, he looked up to see Brooke standing in front of him, he could see that she was about to speak, he turned away storming out of the classroom.

When he reached he's locker he attempted in opening it fiddling with the lock, without any luck. He felt the presence of someone standing closely behind him, her familiar voice speaking he's name softly. It only made he's anger at her even stronger, making him take he's frustrations out on he's locker even more, he hit it hard and he pulled the door open forcefully, and never even turning to look at her **_"What?"_**

**_"Are you ever going to talk to me?"_** He saw Brooke move to lean against the locker out of the corner of he's eye, as he stood taking he's books out he's bag throwing them into the locker.

_**"I dunno how many more lies you got for me Brooke?"**_

_**"That is unfair."**_

Lucas almost felt like laughing. He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing **_"Unfair? Don't talk to ME about unfair Brooke."_**

_**"I made a mistake."**_

With that Lucas finally turned to look at her, her eyes slightly glistening with tears. **_"No Brooke, a mistake is doing something unintentionally, what you did was thought out, planned and calculated."_**

He threw another book he's locker and slammed it shut, turning to walk away from her, before feeling a hand on he's arm pulling him and turning him around.

**_"Haven't you ever loved someone so much that you would do anything to be with them?"_**

He shakes he's head, and looks up to face her and he can see her eyes are begging, pleading with him to say something, anything in response to what she just said. And part of him wishes he wasn't so angry with her, that he could stop this from spinning out of he's control, but he just can't look at her the same way. There's nothing she could say to him to justify any of this.

_**"Yeah I thought I had."**_

He steps towards her reaching out to touch he's arm again, but he moves backwards, lifting up he's hand in protest before turning and walking away. He knows he can't avoid it forever, he will have to talk to Brooke. At least hear her out, but the time isn't now.

* * *

Peyton watches as Lucas walks away, she watches Brooke as she leans into the lockers, pulling her hair from her face. Peyton has the urge to talk to Brooke, to actually talk to her. Something she hasn't wanted to do for a while, but seeing her ex best friend like this, she can't do nothing and before she even realises she's moving across the hall leaning against the lockers opposite Brooke.

_**"Oh what do you want Peyton?"**_

Peyton's not entirely sure. She wants to ask Brooke if she's okay, but its the most stupidest question to ask seeing as she is already fully aware of the answer. **_"I don't know. I..."_**

**_"Then leave me alone."_** Brooke moves away from the locker, but Peyton stops her with the reason she knew deep down she had gone to speak to Brooke.

**_"Why did you do it? I mean did you think that no one would ever figure it out?"_**

_**"I did it because I love him, and the thought... " **_Peyton can see Brooke fighting back the tears as she speaks_** "... and the thought of losing him it terrifies me. But you want to know the stupidest thing is? I knew that as soon as I told that lie, it would be found out, and I wanted it to be. I wanted to know once and for all who he would pick, who he would defend."**_

For the first time Brooke looks Peyton straight in the eye, and any hope that Peyton had about the two of them ever being friends again is completely crushed with that one look. **_"And we certainly got our answer on that didn't we."_**

**_"So what Brooke? You did it to test him?"_**

**_"I'm not proud of it. If I could I take it back."_**

**_"I wish you could too."_** She meant it, anything has to better than what everyone has now? Despite Peyton's own pain from this, she never wanted things to turn out this way.

**_"Why? You got what you wanted Peyton, me and Lucas broken up, he can't even look at me."_**

**_"This is not what I wanted. Believe me! Of all the things I wanted THIS is not it."_**

**_"Then what did you want?"_**

**_"I wanted everyone to be happy, I wanted us all to be... I didn't want this. I wanted to be honest, I was sick of always lying and hiding how I felt. I thought that if it was out there then, it would be this weight off my shoulders and I could finally move on. But all its done is kept me stuck, because I lost you, I lost Lucas. I lost everything I cared about all because I was honest"_**

**_"Well. It looks like in the end no one got what they wanted."_**

Peyton doesn't respond, she pulls herself away from the locker and makes her way down the hall. Part of her wants to turn and look to see if Brooke was still there, watching her walk away, but she knew better of it. She knew Brooke had done exactly the same as her. And that was it, the first time they had properly spoken in such a long time, and Peyton had a sinking feeling that it wouldn't be something that happened again anytime soon.

* * *

Nathan heard the news from Tim, not the person who he had really wanted to hear it from, Tim not being the most sensitive person. She was staying in Tree Hill, she wasn't going back on tour, she was coming back to school.

He didn't know how to feel, he guessed he should have been angry after everything that had been said, but he felt numb by the whole situation, he knew there was no way of avoiding her now, no way of denying her presence. In some ways he was glad, he knew it was starting that he was starting to get over it, he hadn't thought about her till Tim mentioned her name. He knew there would be moments when her name could come up in conversation and he would think about her then the moment would pass - he didn't want to hold onto the memories but they were there and he didn't want to forget them all.

He found himself coming to the rivercourt more - finding he's way back to basketball again, although the spark he had wasn't fully returned every now and then glimmers of it shone through and he saw in himself the person and the player he used to be. It was just he's way of healing, he needed to step back from it just so he could see the bigger picture and then return to it when he was ready.

**_" I think we have this in common."_**

Nathan turned to see he's brother. They hadn't been here together in a long time. He remembered the first time he spoke to Lucas here, squaring up to him, telling him he's place. He remembered so many other memory's of being here with he's brother. He felt like he had come so far with him, and now here they were back to where they started, two strangers.

**_"Well when I wanna think I come here too"_**

**_" Yeah well when I come here when I wanna play basketball."_** Nathan threw the ball through the basket running to retrieve it as it dropped to the ground.

**_"So I guess you've come to let me know about Haley right? Give me the good news she's staying town. Unfortunately I already know. So I guess you can turn and leave"_**

**_"She's hurting a lot right now you know Nathan?"_**

**_"Well my heart bleeds for her. Let me guess she gave you a blow by blow account of our conversation?"_**

Lucas nodded slightly **_"She told me parts of it."_**

Nathan noticed Lucas seemed different than usual, he seemed sad, almost as if he's mind was anywhere else but in this conversation.

**_"Well come on then Lucas throw your two cents in I know you want to."_**

Lucas shook he's head. **_"No not tonight. Some of the stuff she said that you said actually made sense to me. I never saw it from your point of view. I guess I always only saw Haley's I only wanted to see how she was hurting. I'm sorry for that."_**

Nathan laughed bitterly**_ "Wow you really are doing the rounds with apologising aren't you? First Peyton. Now me?"_**

**_"She told you about that.?"_** Nathan only nodded before turning and throwing the ball again, retrieving like he had before. **_"It was funny that night, you know she thought it was you? I was in her room when she came home, she knew someone was there."_**

**_"So? She thought it was me... whats the big deal?"_**

Making he's way back across the court, Nathan stands face to face with Lucas, he can't quite read him, him seems on edge. The look on he's face is one of questioning, like he's trying to figure out what Nathan is thinking.

**_"What's going on with you and her?"_**

**_"Nothing, she's my friend. My close friend."_**

**_"Your close friend?"_**

**_"Yes. Friend. I know it must be hard for you to grasp the meaning of the word seeing the way you've been treating her"_**

Nathan watched as Lucas stepped closer towards him. Nathan knew what Lucas was thinking, part of wondered if Lucas actually had the guts to just come out and ask him, he doubted it. He could tell that Lucas was jealous, but he couldn't figure out why. He had done nothing but ignore Peyton for months, and now he suddenly cared.

_**"Your screwing her aren't you?"**_

And without even thinking about it, without any thought at all Nathan threw the ball to the ground, moved forward and with one punch across Lucas face, knocked him to the ground.

_**"Is that a yes or a no?"**_

_**"You listen to me Lucas. Peyton is my friend. Anything else that is or isn't happening between me and her is none of your god damn business."**_

_**"She's been through enough Nathan, she doesn't need to be hurt..."**_

Nathan laughed. Those words being spoken from Lucas about the funniest thing he had heard in a while. **_"Am I hearing this from you? Your telling me what Peyton has been through. You have NO idea Lucas what she has been through, you haven't even had a proper conversation with her in the last few months, you walked away from her, she needed you and you walked away. And don't even start talking about hurting her cos I don't think you are in any position to be saying anything about that, seeing as all you do is hurt her."_**

Nathan grabbed the ball from the ground and walked away, leaving Lucas sitting on the ground, clutching he's jaw. As he gets to the bleachers, he feels like going back over to Lucas and smacking him round the face again, but he knows it just not worth it, any of it. Instead he turns to speak to him one last time before walking away for good.

_**"And for the record, hurting Peyton is the last thing in the world that I wanna do."**_

* * *


	8. Chapter 8

_**What ravages of spirit - **__**conjured this temptuous rage - **__**created you a monster - **__**broken by the rules of love**_

Nathan didn't know how he let himself be convinced into going to the party that was at TRIC tonight, he managed to survive Tim pestering him about going for about a week everyday, but as soon as Peyton started talking about going, he knew he was. She seemed to have gained some kind of spark over the past couple of weeks, something that had been missing from her was there again, he was starting to see glimpses of Peyton again.

So as he lay there on her bed, her walking about her room putting on some music that Nathan had never heard of in he's life, he couldn't help but smile at her, only she could find a happiness and contentment in something that to anyone else would seem so simple, but as the first beat of the song started the look in Peyton's eyes was something Nathan hadn't seen in her for a while, he wasn't even sure if he had seen it before.

He realised that he had never paid attention to detail with Peyton when they used to be together, he never noticed small things about her, how she bit her bottom lip when she was concentrating really hard, how she ran her fingers though her hair when she was thinking on something, all these things about her were suddenly there right in front of he's eyes, all these amazing things that made her _her_, and he wished he had noticed them before. God he wished he had noticed them before. Nathan continued to watch her as she carried on oblivious to he's gaze, until she moved away from her desk and met he's eye, smiling at him.

"What you thinking over there?" Nathan smiled as she moved slowly towards the bed, and he raised himself up on he's elbows to look at her properly. He just shook he's head "What?" He smiled at her aggravation towards him.

_"_I was thinking... that you look really hot in my t-shirt."

Her laughed filled the room and Nathan felt for sure that he could live off hearing that sound everyday "You think your so charming." He smiled to himself and leant backwards on the bed again, placing he's hands behind the back of he's head "Thats because I am. And you know it"

A silence filled the room as Peyton switched off her stereo and moved across the room, sitting herself down on the bed, sighing heavily.

"Whats wrong P?"

"I'm just... its... Nathan... I feel like one of us needs to say something, you know... about _this"_

Nathan sat up to face her, brushing a stray curl out of her face, resting he's hand on her cheek "_This?_"

She smiled almost shyly as she leant her face into he's hand closing her eyes "You know. You and me." She paused for a moment and looked directly into Nathan's eyes. Nathan didn't know if she had more to say or if she wanted a response to that, but before he could even think of what to say, Peyton had already begun to speak again.

"I mean, when this started it was..."

And Nathan suddenly felt the urge to run out of the room as quickly as he could, he pulled he's hand away and stopped Peyton in he's tracks as he jumped off the bed. He could still feel her eyes watching him, clearly trying to figure out what the hell was going on. And so was he. But he wasn't ready to talk about it, not now. It felt like it was too soon. Yes he had all these feelings for her coming back. But what did that mean? Did it mean anything? Or was it just affection and want left over from an unresolved relationship before, if you could even call it that. Nathan pulled he's t-shirt over he's head.

"Peyton, I do wanna talk about this but... I... we better be getting ready for that party... " Nathan turned away from her shaking he's head. What the hell was he doing? He searched around for he's trousers pulling them on and turning back to look at her. "I better go home and get ready. I'll see you tonight okay?"

Nathan leaned in close and kissed her softly on the cheek, as she remained still staring at him, clearly still trying to figure out exactly what had just happened.

* * *

She couldn't even reply, before she can say a word Nathan is out the door and she can hear her front door shutting and he's gone. And immediately Peyton is regretting opening her big mouth, she doesn't even know why she did it, she always thought about it, always thinking about what it meant, but they have never mentioned what any of it meant. She had convinced herself when it first started it was about escaping feelings, about feeling something else, anything other than the pain that was consuming the both of them.

But lately it hadn't felt like that. Not in the moments when she had laid with Nathan. He's arms wrapped tightly around her, stroking her back. The two of them talking about anything and everything till the early hours of the morning. This wasn't anything like they had before. It was different so different. He was the same person, the same Nathan, but it was like she finally was seeing what else there was too him. She had blamed him a lot for the breakdowns in their relationship before, but she was just as much to blame. Both of them using each other just to keep up the pretences. But now something had changed. It had shifted and she hadn't seen it coming. She couldn't explain it, but she knew one thing and that was that whatever they had she didn't want to stop.

_**and fate has lead you through it **__**you do what you have to do **__**and fate has led you through it **__**you do what you have to do...**_

She lay back on her bed, wishing that things weren't so complicated. She had spent all her time with Nathan, thinking about Lucas wanting to be with him, wanting him to want her back, she hadn't even realised that she had stopped thinking that way and that all her thoughts stopped at Nathan.

This wasn't an instant thing it had been gradual, it had been creeping up on her expectantly and now the thoughts were going around in her mind she couldn't stop them. She practically laughed out loud when the thought entered her head. Had it been Nathan all along? Had he been the one she had needed and wanted all along. And she stopped laughing, because it suddenly wasn't funny anymore. It was becoming true and maybe Nathan was realising that too, maybe thats why he ran so fast out the room. Or maybe there were just no answers to this. She sighed heavily and lifted herself off the bed. Whatever it was that was going on it would have to be resolved another time, she focused her energy on trying to figure out what to wear, taking extra attention to details, silently hoping that Nathan would be there.

Nathan sat by the bar hiding from.. well hiding from everyone really, he watched as Haley practically dragged Lucas through the door and onto a table and sat down and started talking.

He watched Brooke walk in with the cheerleaders, she was already on her way to being completely wasted, he saw her look at Lucas, like she had something to prove to him.

He had been hiding there for an hour and all he wanted was for Peyton to show up, so they could have a quick laugh at everyone then leave, he had a horrible feeling that because of how he acted earlier she wouldn't show.

He didn't know what to say to her, she was sitting there looking absolutely perfect, smiling up at him talking about them and all he could do was run out the door, and the thing was the words they were there right on the end of he's tongue ready to be said, but he knew it was pointless, that wanting her for anything more than what they did was pointless. He had been there through all the pain with Peyton. He knew exactly how much she loved Lucas. And what they had, was just that. He didn't want her to talk about it. To finish it, he needed it and wanted it so much, and he didn't want to give it up, not now. Not yet.

He downed he's drink and began to seriously consider waiting for a moment when no one was looking and then running to the door. He stood up from the chair, and then stopped dead.

She had turned up and she was standing at the entrance of the bar and he would swear that she had never looked more beautiful than he had ever seen her. Her hair down curls falling onto her face, he felt like there was no one else in the room but her and him. She was looking around the room - part of Nathan's mind hoped that it was him she was looking for, and with that thought being the only one he's brain would allow he started to make he's way towards her, but was stopped again by seeing Lucas reach her, he smiled, she smiled, he laughed, she laughed. He put he's hand on the bottom of her back and started to make their way to the bar. And he turned around – and leant against the bar for support. And that was that. He could try and deny it, pretend that she had been looking for him. Pretend that she wanted him. But he knew the truth. He always had. He turned to move back to where he had been sitting before, but again the past came back to face him.

"Haley"

She smiled up at him. He didn't know why he was so surprised to see her. She was back now for good. It was to be expected. And he would eventually have to talk to her, but all he could think about was Lucas and Peyton, and as Haley started to talk to him he searched the room trying to find them.

"You look like you've been having fun. Mind you can't be as bad as my night I had to drag Lucas here. He hasn't exactly been the happiest guy recently."

And then Nathan saw them, the opposite side of the club – standing closely together. Too closely. Lucas was talking and Peyton was listening intently taking in everything he was saying.

"He seems okay now."

Yeah. Whats going on with those two? Lucas said something about a falling out?"

Nathan laughed bitterly. Only Lucas would describe it as a "falling out". He would never actually admit to himself being a complete asshole.

"Is that what he called it? Try Lucas not talking to her for months." Haley looked at him surprised "Yeah I bet he left that part out huh? Why don't you go ask your best buddy Brooke, I'm sure she'll fill you in."

He started to move away, but her arm caught hold of he's " I'd rather talk to you." Nathan shrugged he's shoulders "I'm gonna go get a drink."

He began to walk away as Haley followed him to where he had been sitting hidden away before.

He couldn't stop watching Peyton with him, when did this happen? When were they suddenly speaking again? Why hadn't Peyton told him? She had that look in her eyes again that fire that was missing was back again, he realised that it was all do to with Lucas the reason it was back was because he was back in her life, it had nothing to do with him. It had always been about Lucas. Stupid of him to think that he might have had something to do with it. Of course it had been about Lucas.

"You seem somewhere else Nathan? Your gonna wear a hole in Peyton if you keep staring at her like that?"

Nathan snapped out of he's daydream and turned to look at Haley "What? I'm just worried about her. Thats all. Its been pretty tough for her recently and I don't want her to get hurt"

"You and her got pretty close huh?"

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. I mean I've seen the two of you together and well I just figured..."

Nathan took a swig of he's drink and turned to face Lucas and Peyton again. "Yeah well don't just figure"

* * *

Peyton felt so much relief at having Lucas standing in front of her chatting away, it hadn't been this way for them in so long, the feeling between them was undeniable, it was as if something had been pulling her towards him since the first time he came crashing into her life. Just to be talking to him again, she didn't realise how much she had missed just that.

She could feel the weight of a stare on her, she felt for sure when would turn and see Brooke, she had seen her earlier surrounded by all the cheerleaders looking worse for wear, she assumed that she would be getting talked about by all of them. But all she saw when she turned was Nathan talking to Haley. Suddenly whatever Lucas was saying was blocked out. All she had was questions going through her mind. Why was he talking to her? He said he never wanted to speak to her again. Did he just smile at her? Why was he smiling that smile to someone else? Her heart ached to go over to him. Talk to him. But her mind thought better of it.

_**every moment marked **__**with apparitions of your soul **__**I'm ever swiftly moving **__**trying to escape this desire - **__**the yearning to be near you **__**I do what I have to do**_

"You okay Peyton?"

Peyton turned to face Lucas who had clearly spotted her not listening to what he had been saying "Just feel a bit hot, I'm gonna go outside and get some air"

"I'll come with you."

* * *

Nathan watched them leave. He watched Peyton begin to walk away, and Lucas rest he's hand on the small of her back and lead her outside. He looked down into he's empty glass. Trying to focus on what Haley was talking about. But he couldn't listen, all he could think about was Peyton and Lucas, Lucas touching Peyton like that leading her outside. He could feel the anger starting to rise up. And he knew he had to get out. "Haley I have to go."

_**a glowing ember - **__**burning hot - **__**burning slow - **__**deep within I'm shaken by the violence **__**of existing for only you**_

He moved through the club quickly, not focusing on anything but the door. Ignoring Tim as he yelled across the club to him. Ignoring anything getting in he's way of the door.

_**and I have sense to recognize that **__**I don't know how to let you go**_

He pushed open and felt the cool air hit he's face, he took a deep breathe in and out and then rested against the railing over looking the car park. He bent he's head forward trying to maintain he's breathing. Then he looked up and there it was. Peyton. Lucas. Peyton leant up against the car. Lucas close against her. Peyton with Lucas. Kissing Lucas.

He's body fell back against the cold concrete wall and he looked around, looking for anyway to escape this, he reached for the door handle and pulled it open, moving back into the club, back to the bar. The realisation of it suddenly hitting him hard.

_**I know I can't be with you **__**I do what I have to do**_

****

_**

* * *

**_

As Nathan lay awake staring at the ceiling, he tried to push the thoughts of Peyton out of he's mind, he tried not to think about where she was right now, if she was with him. But he couldn't, and as he lay here in the dark wondering why he was here, why he had been so stupid as to end up here of all places, he wondered if he was ever going to get things right if things were ever going to be the way he wanted them to be.

_**Flashback**_

_Nathan leaned heavily against the bar, ordering himself another drink. Desperately wanting to erase the memory of what he had just seen. He pour a small amount of vodka from he's flask into he's drink and moved towards a table and slumped down on the chair near it. Downing he's drink quickly._

_He had been waiting for this, for he's half wit of a brother to wake up and realise how amazing she was, and for Peyton to finally get what she wanted, but he was still surprised, it had still hit him like a knife in the back, he had seen it coming all along, but now it was here the feelings he had were surprising him all over again, was this just what he was always going to be like? Set himself to get hurt, always want something that he can't have._

_He looked down into the empty cup and pulled out the flask from he's pocket again, knocking it back. He sighed as he felt a hand move around he's neck._

"_Davis"_

_Brooke smiled holding up her drink "I see you had the same idea as me"_

_Nathan shook he's head. Brooke never changed, ever since he had known her she had always been the same. She was always trying to change talking big about being a different person. But her she was the same Brooke Davis as usual. At least she was consistent._

"_So where is your right arm tonight? You know that thing you call Peyton"_

_He wasn't in the mood for this, he wasn't in the mood for Brooke's shit. He knew anything she had to say he would never find interesting. Especially seeing as right now she seemed to want to be rude about Peyton._

"_She left"_

_Brooke sat down closely next to him and laughed bitterly "Let me guess? With Lucas?"_

_The words stung Nathan, and it was etched across he's face. He could feel the anger swelling up again. He took another swig from he's flask, slamming it down on the table. The reaction was not lost on Brooke. The look on he's face was not lost on Brooke either._

" _Just wait Nathan, she'll hurt you too. This is what she does, she'll tell you to trust her and make you believe all her lies and then pull it right out from under you"_

"_How can you say that about her?"_

_Nathan could see the anger in Brooke's eyes as she slammed her cup on the table "I tell you what you go through all she has put me through, and then see how YOU feel?"_

"_All she put you through? Are you kidding me? Are you actually serious? Brooke, she was a friend to you, your best friend, and you cut her out, she told you the one thing she most afraid to tell you and..."_

_Brooke shook her head and Nathan turned to look at her this time "Yeah poor Peyton" he had heard enough. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to be here like this. Having to defend Peyton._

"_I'm not listening to this" Nathan got up from the table but Brooke followed him and turned him round to face her._

"_But she got what she wanted didn't she? Me out the way..."_

"_Brooke. All she wanted was to be happy, for everyone to be happy..."_

"_Do I look happy? Because of that bitch, I lost the only thing I ever loved"_

"_No because your you, you lost the only thing you ever loved. I think the reason your so mad is cos you see so many things in her you wish you were like. She is twice the person you will ever be Brooke. She has so much inside of her so many things that you could never even begin to understand or comprehend..."_

_Nathan suddenly stopped talking as Brooke stepped forward looking at he's face closely._

"_Oh.. you love her don't you?" Brooke laughed and turned to face him "You do don't you? Oh this is priceless. And PATHETIC. She really has got everyone exactly where she wants the hasn't she? Well done Peyton Sawyer. Just when you think she can't get any lower she manages. Two brothers."_

_Brooke laughs and starts to walk away before turning back to look at Nathan one more time._

"_She'll hurt you Nathan. You'll see. Her and Lucas. This is what they're good at. Get yourself out of it. Before you end like... "_

_Brooke didn't finish her sentence. But Nathan knew what she was going to say. Me. Before you end up like me. He didn't want to believe anything Brooke had said. She was wrong about Peyton. That wasn't her. Any hurt she had caused hadn't been intentional. And he knew that Peyton cared about him, he just knew it. He had been there with her, shared those moments with her. They had to have meant something._

_Coming back in here had been such a bad idea. A really stupid bad idea. He sighed and turned to walk towards the door. He couldn't stay here, he couldn't figure anything out here. He wanted to go to Peyton's to talk to her. Ask her what was going on. Get some answers once and for all about what was going on between them. But it seemed the past just wouldn't let him be tonight._

"_Nathan... I thought you left?"_

_Nathan found himself standing directly in front of Haley who was sitting down on the steps of TRIC._

"_I was just gonna go. Been looking for Lucas but I have no idea where he went"_

"_Last time I saw him he was with Peyton" Nathan stepped passed her and started to walk up the street._

"_Can't say I'm surprised. Lucas and Peyton always seem to have away of finding each other."_

"_What about Brooke? He and her just split up"_

"_I think me and you both know that, Peyton and Lucas its always been there between them, I figured that some day they would end up together. You know some people are just destined to find each other."_

_Nathan continued to walk as Haley followed him. He couldn't say anything to that. He wasn't angry with her. She was just being a good friend to Lucas and to Peyton. Wanting the two of them to be happy. It was a good quality Haley had, he wished he could feel that for them right now, but all he felt was pain and anger and jealousy at the thought of them._

" _But then I've been wrong about alot of things recently so..." Haley smiled slightly and grabbed Nathan's arm._

"_You feel like walking me home Nate?"_

_Nathan looked up and down the street. He didn't know what he was looking for. Some kind of sign maybe that this was either a good or bad idea, but nothing came. He breathed in deeply and pulled he's jacket tighter around him and started to walk._

"_Sure. Come on"_

_**End of Flashback**_

And here he was in bed beside Haley, like had been so many times before, it wasn't an unusual place to be, but nothing could feel more wrong to him, there was no confusion as to why he had done it, the thought of Peyton with someone else other than him made him the most jealous he had ever felt.

Why was he here? It had seemed so comfortable. So easy just to go back to that place with Haley. To avoid anything that had happened earlier in the night. He couldn't believe he had done this. He turned he's head to look at Haley who was sound asleep and he turned away quickly again.

He shouldn't have done this.

He slowly moved out of the bed, and pulled on he's clothing that had been scattered across the floor and crept out of the room, out of the apartment and into the cold night air.

Everything in one moment earlier with Peyton had felt so right. More right to him than anything before. And now he felt like he was back to a place and person that he never wanted to be again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Thank you again for reading and for the comments. I really appreciate all of them. xxx**

* * *

Peyton wondered when things got so complicated. Like they weren't complicated enough being in love with you best friends boyfriend, now compared to the confusion she felt now, that seemed like the least important thing. Last night had almost seemed like some kind of dream, as she lay in bed thinking back to what happened, all she could think was "Was it real?" And then a weariness took over her as she thought of Nathan. All she could think after that was where he was. She had grown accustomed to waking up with him most mornings, and as she turned in her bed, she lay her hand across the pillow that he's head usually lay on, tracing her fingers softly across the fabric. Then the reality of last night had sunk in. It wasn't a dream. It was real.

_Flashback_

_Peyton walked ahead of Lucas moving out of the club, she had felt closed in. There was half of her that had wanted to run over to Nathan, talk to him. About anything, just to find out what was going on with him and Haley. But the other half had one out, the fear of what it meant, made her run. Because she knew what it meant. She always figured as soon as Haley turned up again then that would be it. No more Nathan. He would be gone just like everyone else in her life. A small part of her had secretly wished that he would pick her, but she knew better, and things seemed to be confirming her fears._

_She rushed down the steps and breathed in deeply,a hand resting on the small of her back sent shivers down her spine and she turned and smiled at Lucas, whose face was full of concern._

"_Peyton are you alright?"_

_Peyton nodded slightly. She had forgotten how comforting Lucas was how he could manage to make you feel better with even one look "I'm fine"_

_He smiled and moved towards the wall of the building, leaning he's back against it. "While its just you and me... I mean I just... I miss this. You know? You and me hanging out. And its good to be here with you like this"_

_Peyton sighed and turned to face him "Yeah it really is" She was happy to be here with Lucas like this. This was what she had wanted for so long. So why was her heart and mind still back inside the club with Nathan? Wondering what he was doing, what was happening with him and Haley. She tried to focus on Lucas as he started speaking again, but the noise of the music thumping from the club and the thoughts in her mind wouldn't let her._

"_Where are you tonight Peyton? You're not listening to me..."_

"_I'm sorry. Its just. I am happy to be here with you. But I guess its just weird. I mean I wasn't used to it, not being around you, but I guess I just resigned myself to thats how it was gonna be from now. And I feel bad for Brooke. This must be really hard for her."_

"_Oh yeah poor Brooke. Maybe she should have thought about that before she started spreading lies about you"_

_Peyton turned to face Lucas again and tilted her head, he could see the pain in he's eyes as he spoke about Brooke. He had never been good at hiding things like that from her, and while he said one thing, she knew inside he was feeling something else._

"_What? Oh come on Peyton. Don't tell me you're gonna fight her corner?"_

"_Its just I know how that feels you know?" Peyton paused and took a deep breathe before moving towards Lucas and leaning against the wall beside him "To love someone that much. To want to do anything to be with them."_

"_But the difference is you didn't. You put your own happiness aside for her, but she was too selfish to do that."_

_Peyton sighed. She had always been like that, putting her feelings aside for other people. Trying to make others happy. There had been rare occasions when she had thought without consideration for anyone else, but had spent energy making sure she never did that again. And where did that get here? Always being left behind._

"_Maybe being selfish isn't always a bad thing"_

"_That doesn't sound like you"_

"_Because thats not who I am. Sometimes I wish I was more selfish. That I could be like that you know? That I could think to hell with everyone else this is what I want, I'm gonna go get it. Who cares about anyone else"_

"_But like you said. Thats not you"_

"_No. But I don't its Brooke either. I know her reasons were misguided but her intentions, she just wanted to be with you. To love you. You can't be mad at her for that can you?"_

"_Even after everything she did you'll still stand there and try and defend her. You have every reason to be mad and want her to suffer through this"_

"_I can't be that way. I don't wanna be that way"_

"_I love that about you"_

_Peyton smiled at him, a smile that was only for him and he saw it he saw that spark in her, the one that only they shared. And she realised how much she had missed this. Just talking to him, being around him. Listening to him talk. Even when they didn't agree, even when he would piss her off so much. She still loved those moments. She felt Lucas move away from the wall and stand in front of her. Her arms that were folded across her stomach fell to her sides as Lucas leaned closer towards her, he's hands resting on the back of the wall either side of her waist. He's face inches from hers._

"_I've missed you so much"_

_Before Peyton could respond she felt he's lips press against hers, he's hands move and rest on her waist. But she couldn't move, she felt herself push him off and move away starting to walk across the car park before turning back to face him. He moved towards her again, placing a hand on her neck softly stroking the skin there, speaking her name softly he leaned in again, kissing her once on the lips, and then again, meeting her eyes before he kissed her again. Again Peyton stopped it, pushing him away slightly._

"_I thought this was what you wanted?"_

"_I don't want it like this"_

"_What does that mean?"_

"_Lucas. Do you even understand what you mean to me?" Peyton sighed and ran her fingers through her and looked into he's eyes. Those eyes that had been haunting her for so long. So many times she had gone over this in her head. Lucas kissing her, but it hadn't been like this and she hadn't felt like this._

"_I put you on this pedestal and every guy I met I compared them all to you and none of them came any where near close. You had me completely and I would have been with you in a second if I hadn't been so scared and stupid. You and me have always had this... I don't even know what it is, but you know what I'm talking about right?" Lucas nodded at Peyton "Its there between us and maybe it always will be. But I think you know that its not right. Not for now anyway." Peyton looked away sadly as Lucas began to move towards her again. She felt he's hands rest on her shoulders and she turned to face him again._

"_You love her Lucas, I know you do. Maybe you can't forgive her, but your not over her. And part of the reason your out here is to make things right with me, but I know that part of is cos your hoping she saw you leave with me, you want her to hurt the way she hurt you, and you know that THIS is the way to hurt her. And I'm not mad at you for that, I get it."_

"_That is NOT why I am out here with you Peyton. I'm out here with you because I want to be. I owe you that much. You deserve this much"_

"_I don't. I don't wanna feel like that. Like your out here because you feel like you owe it to me. I want you to spend time with me because you want to. I want you to... With you and me, our timing has always been off, and it is again. There's just something about this its just not right, you kissing me I can't explain it, I'm even sure I understand it, because I spent a lot of time thinking this is what I wanted but now... "_

"_Its not what you want anymore?"_

"_I do love you Lucas. I just think neither of us are in the right place for this"_

_Peyton smiled slightly as Lucas nodded he's head and pulled Peyton in closely and hugged her, resting he's chin on her shoulder "When did you get to be so amazing?"_

_Peyton shook her head and laughed "You know. Years of experience" _

_Lucas pulled away and smiled at her again, still holding he's hands on her arms "He better know it"_

"Who?"

"_You know who." Lucas dropped he's arms from her shoulders and started to walk back towards TRIC, looking up at the door as he did. _

"_I asked both of you what was going on, and neither of you answered me. Maybe with Nathan I didn't exactly approach it the right way. I mean he's not exactly my biggest fan right now. But I saw it. I knew it. I think maybe both of you found in each other something that you needed"_

_Peyton could feel the tears begin to fall down her cheek. And it that moment she knew why none of this felt right. Because her heart wasn't here with Lucas. It was perfect. A beautiful night, the music from TRIC was slow and filling the air with sound, and she was with Lucas, the person she had spent so long wanting to love her back, the way she had loved him. But that was the main point the way she had loved him. Not the way she loves him. He wasn't who she wanted to be out here with her, kissing her. She wanted it to be Nathan, and even though she had tried to tell herself differently that what they had was nothing more than two lost people trying to find something any kind of feeling, it was so much more than that. There was no pin pointing when it had changed but it had._

"_I didn't expect it... It just..."_

"_You don't have explain to me Peyton."_

_**So much time so far apart **__**and she walks the night - h**__**ow many hearts will die tonight?**_

_Lucas turned to face Peyton again and smiled softly.** "**__I do have to say something though. That I should have said that night when you told me how you felt"_

_He walked towards her again "I do love you Peyton."_

_He rested he's hand on her face and Peyton nodded the tears now falling freely, she didn't know what it was, the realisation of her feelings, the fact that Lucas had finally told her, or maybe everything that had happened over the past few months catching up with her, but the tears wouldn't stop. And Lucas pulled her in closely again resting her head in he's chest. "Like you said its something I can't explain. But I know I'll always need you in my life"_

_**But I will see you again **__**I will see you again - **__**a long time from now.**_

_End Of Flashback_

Lucas words about Nathan were ringing in Peyton's head, she wanted to reach out for the phone call him up. Just hear he's voice, to have him say some lame joke that would make her laugh and manage to make her feel content somehow. But she stopped herself. The fear of what else could await if she picked up the phone to speak to him, if she heard the one thing she was most afraid of hearing. That he hadn't picked her. Peyton didn't know but Nathan was thinking the same about her at the same time, as they both lay there lost in thoughts of one another.

* * *

_**

* * *

**_

Nathan hadn't been to see Peyton in a week, in fact she hadn't even seen him, she had tried calling him again and again, but it just went to voice mail, she was starting to worry, that was until she saw him in the hall today and he saw and instead of the usually goofy smile on he's face was a look she barely recognised, it was completely blank, it was like he was looking straight through her and then he was gone, part of her wanted to run after him and scream, she didn't understand what was going on, just when she felt like they were starting to actually get close to something real, something that wasn't just about forgetting he did this.

She knew she never should of bought up what it was they had and wanted to talk about it, now he was freaking out because he thought she wanted more and he didn't. Or maybe it was Haley? Maybe they had sorted everything out and he didn't know how to tell her. Whatever it was it was driving her insane she hated not knowing - she really wanted to follow him so badly but again her being her stopped her, she turned and opened her locker slamming her books inside.

"What did the locker do to you?"

Peyton turned to see Haley standing by her side, and suddenly she felt even more angry than she had before, the smile across Haley's face seemed to cut daggers through Peyton.

"It left to go on tour... Oh no wait that was you."

She heard Haley let out a small laugh which only angered Peyton more. She hadn't spoken to Haley once since she had got back. She hadn't wanted to for Nathan's sake. But it was mostly because she was still so angry at her for the broken mess she had left Nathan in.

"Your not gonna throw your books at me are you?" Peyton laughed bitterly and shook her head.

"I really wouldn't give me ideas."

"Ok I get it your pissed at me..."

"Well done, they don't call you tutor girl for nothing do they?"

"Peyton you have every reason to be mad, but I am back for good now and I'm trying to start again you know. I'm trying to build some bridges here."

Peyton nodded and turned to face Haley " Well I'm sorry to Haley, cos I'm just not interested."

" I didn't think you'd make it easy. But I thought maybe seeing as Nathan was starting to forgive me..."

The words stung Peyton and she turned back to face her locker, she wanted to scream, especially at Haley.

"Oh right? I get it so because he feels he can we should all just fall in line is that what your saying?"

"No I didn't mean that, its just I haven't been here..."

"Your right Haley YOU haven't been here. So you have no idea what its been like. You haven't been here when Nathan turns up devastated on your doorstep looking completely helpless and alone and you have no idea what to do. You haven't been there when he's been asking you to make it all okay, to help him." Peyton slammed her locker shut and turned to Haley "It doesn't matter how many times you apolgise to me or what you do. Because you'll never be able to take that out of mind. Seeing him like that"

Peyton moved away quickly and did as much as she could to hold back the tears. She hadn't realised seeing Haley would effect her so much, that talking to her would make her so angry. But she knew where it came from. And as soon as the words from Haley's mouth had been spoken about Nathan forgiving her, it was like something inside of her had snapped. She knew that was that. He was starting to forgive her, and pretty soon it would be back to how things were before, everyone settled. And Peyton completely alone.

_**How's your life? How's your place? Was it where you wanted your head to lay?**_

****

Lucas had seen the whole thing and he wasn't surprised by Peyton's reaction, he knew where it had come from, whereas Haley was most likely in the dark as to how she could have caused such a reaction from Peyton, as he made he's way to he's best friend he saw a look of confusion and sadness across her face.

"Give her time Hales"

"I knew she was mad, I just didn't expect... THAT. I mean her and Nathan got close right? They've been spending time together I know, I guess I just expected..."

"A welcome home party? Sorry Hales. Peyton just I guess she saw how much it hurt Nathan all of this, more than anyone. Have you spoken to him?"

Lucas watched as Haley shook her head slowly and looked down "Not since the night of the party at TRIC"

Lucas watched as Haley fiddled with the ring that was still on her finger "Your still wearing it?"

"I put it back on last week. I wanna show Nathan that I meant what I said. I think we have a shot Lucas, we can make it work again I know we can."

"What makes you think that? I mean did something happen?"

"We slept together Lucas. The night of the party"

Lucas looked down the corridor and then back down to he's friend, who was now smiling up at him. All he could see was how much hope Haley had. That she actually believed there was a chance. Lucas felt sick, how could he tell Haley what he knew? That while she had been gone Nathan and Peyton had started up... he didn't even know how to describe what Nathan and Peyton had, because he knew absolutely nothing about it.

"I know what you're thinking. That I shouldn't have been so quick to rush back into anything with him. Because we're both still hurting. But I love him. And it just happened. He walked me home and I invited him in..."

Lucas shook he's head " I really think me and Nathan can work this out Lucas. I just have to focus on that right now."

"Have you actually spoken to him about this?"

"No. I mean we haven't spoken since and when I woke up he was gone."

"So, I'm sorry how have you got from sleeping together and leaving you without a word the next morning to getting back together..."

"Because its a big deal Lucas, and maybe he just doesn't know what to say."

"Or maybe he made a mistake and as usual him being Nathan doesn't wanna confront it?"

Lucas looked towards he's friend again and saw the hurt those last words had caused Haley. He didn't want to hurt her, but she had to know the truth. Her hopes were being built up and they were only going to be crushed whenever Nathan decided to tell her what was really going on. If he ever did. If he even knew.

"Why are you being like this? I thought you'd be happy for me"

"I'm just trying to look out for you. I don't wanna see you get hurt. Will you promise me you'll talk to Nathan?"

Haley nodded and smiled sadly as she turned and walked away, Lucas felt bad for not being honest with Haley. But he really wasn't certain of what was going on between Nathan and Peyton, so he was in no position to tell Haley something that he couldn't even explain. One thing he knew for sure was that people were destined to be hurt by this. The one thing he hoped for more than anything was that Peyton wouldn't be one of them. She had already suffered enough through all of this.

He thought back to the night at TRIC and the words they spoke to one another. He had spent so much of he's time avoiding Peyton, avoiding any feelings for her that conflicted with what was going on in he's life and he had tried to push them all away. But that night he was confronted with them. Not just he's own but Peyton's too, the pain he had caused her and it all hit home. He had to stop being that person, someone who just avoided what he didn't want to confront. He had to be honest. It was another moment between the two of them that he would always remember. What they had between them was something he could never fully explain, because they didn't need too. It was what it was, like a secret between the two of them that no one could ever find out, it was something that the two of them needed to have, they needed to be in one another's lives.

He was mad at Nathan for avoiding this whole situation he had hardly been in school and now he figured out why. Although he really was no better, he had been avoiding Brooke all week not wanting any kind of confrontation, it was too hard because even though he was angry when he saw her he couldn't help the feelings he felt for her, they were there, the love he felt for her was still there, but he couldn't forget, the anger wouldn't let him and he couldn't help but feel both every time he saw her face, and it didn't seem to be going away anytime soon. He realised that he couldn't avoid her forever as he turned and was stopped from walking away to be faced by Brooke.

"You can't even talk to me now?"

Lucas opened he's mouth to speak, but nothing came out of he's mouth, he just looked at her as she waited expectantly for him to say something, he just shook he's head and moved past her, he couldn't deal with this right now.

"So how was your first date with Peyton?"

He stopped in he's tracks. It would always come down to this with him and Brooke, she would never let anything from the past go. He couldn't believe that he had been so blinded by it for so long.

"It wasn't a date.. and me and Peyton are just friends."

He turned to face her as he heard her laugh bitterly "Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah the last time you screwed around behind my back, although I think you might have some competition this time from baby bro"

With each word Brooke spoke more things were becoming so clear to Lucas. All the doubts he had over the past few days we're sweeping out of he's mind. The concerns he had throughout their whole relationship now being confirmed by just a few words. He moved towards her standing in front of her as she leaned her back against the lockers.

"It really is never gonna work between me and you is it?"

Lucas moved closer to her resting he's hand on the locker above her head, watching her face for something kind of reaction other than the bitterness that he can see in her eyes.

"You could never let go of what happened between me and Peyton, and since we got back together it has been hanging over this relationship because you would never just let it go..."

_**But wait - you can breathe you can see what I can see - don't waste your time you can't make back**_

"...It was never gonna work because you never trusted me enough to believe that all I wanted was you, and I love you Brooke god I do. But its never gonna work, because I think deep down in your heart you'll never give me all of you."

_**If you could rewind your time would you change your life?**_

Lucas searched her face again for some kind of feeling. Something to prove that what he had just said was wrong. But there was nothing, her face remained strong and stern giving nothing away to him, and that said it all. He knew all he needed to know, and he walked away, not looking back, realising that he had to let go of things that would never be able to work.

The tears were falling down her face and silence just covered the air, she had so many words to say, all screaming from her, but it was only silence that escaped, and before she even knew it he was gone, her actions only confirming what he had said, always leaving it too late, only now was Brooke realising that all of this could have been prevented if only she hadn't been so scared, but that was just who she was, she could feel her stomach rise up in her mouth, the feeling of sickness taking over her again, she ran as quick as she could to the bathroom, slamming open the cubicle door throwing herself on her knees leaning over the toilet.

_**Have you done all you wanted? Are you happy and warm? Do you miss someone special? You don't see anymore?**_

She breathed in and out quickly the tears falling freely down her face, she sat on the cold floor and leant against the wall, her sobs filling the room with noise. She could hear footsteps as she tried to move quick to shut the door before anyone would see it was her, but it was too late, she had already seen her, she was standing in the door looking directly at her, questions etched across her face.

_**Have you blood on your hands? Do you dream of white sands? Can you sleep well at night? Have you done all you can?**_

"Brooke?"

_**Rewind your time - Would you change your life today?**_

* * *

Songs:

Dallas Green - Hello I'm In Delaware

Stereophonics - Rewind


	10. Chapter 10

**Thank you again for the reviews. I really do appreciate them so much, and I love that people are enjoying the story. Sorry its a long time between UDs its just you know how life can get, busy lol. Anyways thanks again, and to anyone who is reading too. Big hugs to you all.**

* * *

Peyton fell down onto her bed, she was completely exhausted, she felt like she had been running around all day, and she had. She thought back to talking to Haley, and she knew what drove her to be so harsh was the feelings she had for Nathan, but she couldn't help it, when Haley started talking about Nathan like everything was gonna go back it was like something inside of her took over, the words just coming out her mouth, defending the person she loved.

As soon as the thought came into her mind she pushed it away again, not even registering it hoping that it would go away, it was too much for her to think of now, with so many more things going on, so many more things that needed to be sorted out now.

She rolled off her bed, jumping as she heard her cell phone receive a message. She pulled up her bag and opened her phone.

_"Thank you for today. Brooke x"_

It wasn't much but it was something.

Brooke. Something so silly as a text message, but she never thought she would receive one from her ever again, especially mentioning any kind of thank you in it. She sighed, and thought about what to reply, she thought about what had happened that day, what else was there to even say?

_Flashback_

_Peyton looked in the mirror, having escaped the craziness of the hallways, she heard someone heaving in a cubicle, she walked slowly towards and was surprised by who she found._

"_Brooke?"_

_Peyton looked down at the sight in front of her, it was almost unrecognisable, she stepped back as Brooke slammed the door shut in her face._

"_Get the hell away from me Peyton."_

_Peyton heard the sobs in between Brooke's words, part of her just wanted to walk out and not even think about her, she had that right after all the trouble Brooke had given her, but she couldn't. The years of friendship they had shared stopped her, the times when Peyton had cried to Brooke and she had been there stopped her, she leaned slightly against the cubicle door._

"_Brooke... come on. Are you okay?"_

_Brooke opened the door forcefully and looked Peyton straight in the eye. And it broke Peyton's heart to see her friend in such a state._

"_Does it look like I am okay?"_

_Peyton tried to reach out towards her, but Brooke pushed past her making her way over to the sink. Peyton watched her for a while as Brooke pulled her makeup out from her bag. Brooke began wiping the mascara that had fallen down her face away, wiping tears away with a tissue, only to be replaced with new ones immediately after._

"_Whats wrong Brooke?"_

_Brooke stopped what she was doing and turned to face Peyton "Whats wrong? Okay where do I start? The love of my life, just basically told me that I ruined our relationship by just being me and having my stupid insecurities. And you know what? He's right, I unintentionally sabotaged it, I mean why else would I tell him all that stuff about you, I was asking for this, I was pushing him away from the start."_

"_I don't think thats why you did it. You love him. People do crazy things to protect and keep the people they love."_

"_But I'm paying the price of it now aren't I?" Brooke paused and looked at herself in the mirror, and all Peyton could see was the pain and sadness taking its toll on Brooke. She saw for the first time just how much all of this had hit Brooke._

"_I bet your loving this aren't you?"_

_Peyton shook her head "What seeing my best friend devastated and in so much pain? No I am not loving this Brooke"_

"_Best friends?" Brooke laughed slightly "Is that what we're supposed to be? Why won't you get mad at me!??" Brooke turned to face Peyton "Scream at me for what I did" Brooke moved closer towards Peyton "Hit me! Anything!" _

_Peyton stepped back slightly and shook her head "Because thats not who I am."_

"_But it is who I am..."_

"_I can't get mad at you for doing it, because I'm not mad. In a weird way, I get why you did it. If I had more courage or had been more brave, maybe I would have done exactly what you said I did..."_

"_But thats not you is it? Its not about being brave Peyton. Its about being selfish. I was selfish. Your a better person than I am." Brooke turned to face herself in the mirror again "I was thinking about it - all we did was fall in love and I hated you for loving him, even when I had him and he was telling me he loved me, all I kept thinking was, wait, just wait until you find out what I did, I wanna see who you pick, me or her? What kind of person does that Peyton?"_

"_Someone who's scared. Someone who wants to keep the person they love."_

_Brooke shook her head and looked down "Well it really worked didn't it? He can't even look at me."_

_Peyton watched as Brooke started to cry again already smearing the just reapplied make up. She had made mistakes Peyton, done things she wasn't proud of and that she wished she could take back, and she knew that it was rare that there would be moments when it would be possible to do completely the right thing, but as she stood and watched Brooke starring at herself blankly in the mirror she knew what she had to do. Maybe it wouldn't change anything. But Peyton knew Lucas and she knew that despite everything Lucas loved the girl standing in front of her. She believed that much._

"_He loves you Brooke. He's just angry and disappointed, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. And if you want him to be with you then you need to prove to him thats all you want, that you don't care about all the other crap that could be going in your life, that you need him."_

"_It shouldn't be that hard. To love someone shouldn't be that hard."_

"_Some of the best things in life you have to work for."_

_Peyton didn't know how to help. How to make any of this right. She wished there was a way she could sort everything out, take everything back to a time when things were so much simpler. But she knew all of this was out of her control, that no matter how much she wanted to make everything right, somethings just had to play out. She smiled softly at her best friend, before moving away towards the door._

"_Peyton. I know it won't mean anything now. And you probably don't care. But I am sorry."_

_Peyton nodded. "I know you are. And thank you. I'm just not sure I'm the one you owe the apology"_

"_I don't just mean for that. I mean..."_

_Before Brooke could speak again Peyton moved back towards her friend "I get it. I do."_

_She moved to turn away again but Brooke's hand caught in hers and Peyton saw something else in Brooke's eyes. The pain was still there, but now mixed in was a look of fear and confusion._

"_Peyton. I have to tell you something."_

_End Of Flashback_

Peyton put the phone down on her desk and went back over to her bed again and lay down, she lay on her bed the darkness creeping into her room, and she suddenly more than anything wanted Nathan to walk through the door, lay down beside her and wrap he's arms tightly around her, taking everything that had happened over the past few days away. She turned to the door, disappointment filling her as she saw no sign of him. She perhaps should have been surprised, but she wasn't. She had wished the same thing for many nights now. And nothing. No call, no visit. Nothing.

She turned back round to face the wall and sighed heavily, the feeling that she had now seemed to be one she was growing accustomed to, being alone. She closed her eyes starting to feel sleep taking her, only to be awoken by her light going on beside her bed.

"You hate it being completely dark."

Peyton rolled over and smiled, she couldn't help it, she could feel the tears form in her eyes and her throat was choked, she nodded slightly into her pillow and the sat up, looking up into Nathan's eyes like she had so many times. He didn't say a word he just reached he's hand out asking her to take it and pulled her body up close to he's holding onto her tightly.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around." Peyton buried her head in he's chest, taking in everything about him. The feel of he's arms gripping onto her back, the smell of him as she leaned in closer to him.

"I missed you." She felt Nathan's hand move up her back and then run through her hair.

"I missed you too P."

_**It's like you're a drug it's like you're a demon I can't face down it's like I'm stuck**_

They stayed like that for a few moments, Peyton was afraid to break the moment, scared she would wake up alone on her bed to find it had all been a dream, to find herself alone again. But as she felt Nathan's head move closer to hers, she turned her head to rest on he's shoulder.

"Whats going on? I have so many things that I think it is. Is it me? Is it because I asked you about you and me? Is it Haley, if it's Haley then.. its fine I just I need to know Nathan. I'm sorry if I freaked you out asking you about us, but I thought..."

"I just needed... I spoke to Haley."

Peyton nodded and pulled away slightly. Nathan's arms still tightly around her, now resting around her waist. She looked up at him, trying to make herself prepared for what was coming.

"When she came back.. I felt nothing Peyton, nothing. And then when it set in, the only thing I felt towards her was anger for coming back at that time, coming back when I least needed her. I never expected to not think that I wouldn't need her, but when you and me... when we got close again, I believed it was about them, me trying to forget her and you trying to forget him, and maybe it was to start with, but I know how I felt and all I could think about was you. _She _cam back and it didn't even matter, the one thing I wanted and I didn't care anymore. And when you asked me about us, I guess I got scared because I knew that I had to be honest with myself about how much this meant to me.. and that meant dealing with getting hurt again..."

Peyton watched as Nathan struggled with he's words. She didn't even realise, all this time she assumed the worst, that he would turn up and tell her he had picked Haley, that he still loved Haley, that he and Peyton had been just something that happened and was over now, but it had been the complete opposite all along. She raised her hand to touch he's face, but he moved away.

"Don't Peyton..."

"What's wrong?"

"Don't you get it? It's you this whole time I wanted you and now its all gonna end and I'm scared I'm gonna lose you..."

Peyton moved closer towards him again "Nathan you are not gonna lose me"

"Of course I am. You and Lucas? I was there the first time round, and I can't just watch it all again, its too damn hard, I care about you too much and I can't do that..."

"Nathan. Me and Lucas?" Peyton shook her head "There's nothing going on with me and Lucas"

Nathan moved away from her again and walked further into her room "I was there Peyton. I saw the two of you kissing alright? And its okay really. I just want you to be happy, but it doesn't mean that I can just go back to being friends with you like before its too hard for me, not with how I feel about you now..."

"You've got this all wrong Nathan. He kissed me. And I stopped it."

Peyton moved closer to him again, trying to look into he's eyes as Nathan did everything to avoid it.

"Why?"

"Why? Because of you. He was there right in front of me, the one thing I thought I wanted more than anything, and all I could think about was you and where you were and how I wanted it to be you I was standing out there with, how I wanted it to be you"

_**It's like I can't breathe without you inside of me and I know I let you have all the power and I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time**_

"I stopped kissing him, because of you, because of everything you just said. Because everything changed, and I don't know when and I can't figure it out, and I don't want to, all I know is I need you and I want you"

Nathan finally looked into Peyton's eyes, all she could see was the realisation from him that they had both been feeling the same way all along, both of them so frightened to admit the truth. That they had been the thing they both needed more than anything. He moved quickly across the room to Peyton, pulling her closely towards him again, Peyton felt he's arms move around her waist lifting her body up from the ground, pulling her closer towards him. Her own arms snaking round he's neck, fingers running through he's hair. He pulled he's face away to look at her, and kissed her cheek softly running kisses along her jawline moving quicker and quicker to reach her mouth, he pressed he's lips hard against Peyton's and lifted her up closer to him still. Peyton pulled away first resting her forehead on he's.

"What are we doing P? I mean what do you want from this? Cos we've been here before, you and me and it didn't work it was fucking mess. God but when I look at you now, I want you so much but..."

Peyton smiled shaking her head slightly "But what?"

_**It's like I can't breathe it's like I can't see anything nothing but you I'm addicted to you**_

"I have to know you want the same thing I want, otherwise I can't do this. I need to know you want this as much as I do."

Peyton smiled running her hands through he's hair again, she leaned in close to he's face again as he pulled her body closer to he's once more, her legs wrapping firmly around he's body, she let out a small laugh, and shook her head.

"All I know is I can't stand it when I'm away from you. I hate it when you don't call me. I hated it when you saw me the hallway and you just walked away from me. I hate that you know what I'm thinking before I even say it, that you know me better than anyone - and that I need you so much, that it scares me."

_**It's like I can't think without you interrupting me in my thoughts in my dreams**_

Nathan moved he's forehead to rest against Peyton's again, before pressing he's lips to hers. Peyton smiled into the kiss before reciprocating. She felt Nathan move across the room and sit down on her bed, Peyton now sitting across straddling him. He moved a stray curl from her face before smiling up at her.

"So we're really gonna do this? You and me?"

Peyton nodded and grabbed hold of both of Nathan's hands, interlocking her own with he's.

"You and me"

_**I'm addicted to you**_

****

* * *

****

Lucas hadn't been able to sleep at all for the past couple of weeks, all the thoughts of what had happened were running through he's mind, he kept going over them in he's head.

He lay there looking up at the ceiling try to shut he's eyes to sleep but nothing happened - everything still there on the surface.

He thought about the events with Brooke and how he had blamed her for what had happened in their relationship, he hated that he had made her feel like she was completely responsible - because deep down he knew that he had played he's part maybe not as clearly as Brooke had but it had been there. He knew that he had never let Brooke in completely in their relationship - because somewhere deep inside he had been holding onto Peyton.

_**Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth - still a little bit of you laced with my doubt - still a little hard to say what's going on**_

They had never truly had their chance - and he always wondered what if? What if things had been different - and because of doing that he always kept Brooke at a distance not intentionally but he had he realised that now – Brooke had done the same never be able to let go of what he and Peyton had done.

It made him realise that they would never be able to be together - there was too much hanging over their relationship too much for either of them to forgive, they couldn't go back, and while he accepted it he still felt sad. No matter how much he said he didn't, he did love Brooke, just not in the way she had needed him to, and she deserved better than that.

He still missed her though - to the outsider their relationship may have seemed some what strange like they weren't well suited - but the moments when it was just the two of them alone, they had something. Maybe it wasn't an all consuming connection but it was something that only they shared, but as the trust faded so had that. At first it was covered with a strong attraction, but then as the relationship continued the true cracks started to appear. He's resistance to let her in, and her inevitably giving up and pulling away.

He sighed heavily and lifted he's head off the pillow turning to look at he's best friend who was leaving tomorrow, her suitcase ready packed in the corner. He didn't want her to leave - he wanted so badly to be selfish and ask her to stay, and just be he's best friend. But he knew he couldn't do that, she had realised herself as had Lucas, somethings you have to let go, especially when there's nothing there to hold onto. He pulled he's laptop off he's desk and opened it up, still on the page where he left it before. The last words he wrote screaming at him from the page.

_"A life lived in fear, is a life half lived..."_

"Lucas what are you doing?"

"Sorry I could sleep. I didn't mean to wake you"

Haley sat up and rubbed her eyes "No one could sleep in here not with you thinking so loud. Whats going on up there?"

"Lots of things."

"Let me see... Peyton Sawyer? Brooke Davis?"

Lucas turned and smiled at he's best friend. Sometimes he hated how well she knew him.

"You know so many things have changed since I left - I thought the whole Brooke, Lucas and Peyton love triangle was over - but no it decided to make an encore."

"Its all my fault Haley. All of it. Before they knew me they were best friends, and I turn up and I messed it all up"

Haley nodded "It was easier before I guess."

Lucas smiled and nudged Haley slightly as she rested her head on he's shoulder "When it was just you and me."

"Yeah me a nobody and you secretly in love with Peyton."

Lucas rested he's head on top of Haley's "She'd be better off if she didn't know me, look what I did to her."

"Luke - you love who you love. That's just how it is."

"I know its just... I feel like I never took responsibility for any of it - I feel like Peyton really suffered, Brooke suffered and I just..."

"You can't look back at it like that, like I said things are so different from then now. And Peyton I don't think she regrets for a second having you in her life.. I mean obviously not if she still loves you."

_**Still a little bit of your ghost your witness - still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed - you step a little closer each day - still I can't say what's going on**_

Lucas nodded "And I can't say that I don't love her cos I do, maybe I always will but she was right with what she said - its more than that it has to be the right time and its not..."

Haley lifted her head off Lucas shoulder and shook her head.

"What?"

"I don't buy that for one second. If you love someone it doesn't matter when it is thats it - it should be all there is, and if you love that person you fight with everything you have if there's a chance they could love you back and you make sure they know it..."

_**Stones taught me to fly - love taught me to lie - life taught me to die - so it's not hard to fall - when you float like a cannonball**_

"There are no buts, no what ifs with love. It comes down to something simple - you picture your life and everything you want it to be and then you think about the person you want with you to share all those memories. Who is it?"

Lucas looked down at he's lap top at the words written across the screen - then up to he's wall - the Travis poster pinned up that Peyton had given him, a concert ticket stub on he's notice board they had gone to together, a picture of them laughing at night at TRIC up on the wall - she had been everywhere all along. Little parts of her scattered everywhere in he's life without him even realising or appreciating her.

_**Still a little bit of your song in my ear - still a little bit of your words I long to hear - you step a little closer to me - so close that I can't see what's going on**_

It was like he was finally opening he's eyes after being in asleep for so long, every memory flashing before he's eyes. He turned to look at Haley who smiled back at him, before looking down at the computer screen.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived... wise words from someone who has been so stupid."

Haley smiled quickly again before lying back down in the bed, Lucas looked back towards the screen and then towards he's walls again, even more things from he's friendship with Peyton screaming out at him, everything reminding him of her. Haley was right, Lucas had been so stupid. All along he had been fighting so hard against he's own feelings, so scared to be hurt again and now all he could think of was how he had left everything too late.

* * *

**Lyrics:**

**Kelly Clarkson - Addicted**

**Damien Rice - Cannonball**


	11. Chapter 11

**Tamarindo - thank you so much for your constant comments. Its really nice to know that someone is enjoying this. I really loved writing this alot, so its always nice to hear feedback. So thank you again. Hope you like the next chapter.**

**Thanks to anyone else who is reading also. much love.**

**Claire xoxo**

* * *

Peyton hated saturday afternoons - especially since her and Brooke hadn't been talking - it used to be their day, they would go shopping go the movies - when it was just the two of them. She sighed and looked up at her clock - Nathan would be coming over in a few hours at least that was something for her to look forward to.

She grabbed her sketch book from her desk and jumped on her bed and lay down - she opened her book to a half drawn sketch of Nathan in her room sitting on her bed opposite her - she started it last night while he was sleeping - she woke up suddenly inspired a feeling that she hadn't had for months - something that hadn't happened for months.

She didn't understand what was happening - she felt like she should be confused by her feelings - how had they changed so surprisingly to her - or had it always been that way and she was only realising just now what she had always wanted. With all this she began to confuse herself not with her feelings just with her thoughts far too many in her head to comprehend.

She heard her cell phone ring - jumping off her bed and looking at the caller ID. Brooke She answered immediately.

"Hey. You okay?"

"Peyton. I need you to come meet me."

Peyton almost blacked out as Brooke started to speak to her just trying to take her words in - when she hung up she instantly put on her shoes and headed out her room down her stairs and ready to leave her front door. She stopped noticing an envelope through her letterbox - she snatched it out - and for some reason without even looking at the writing she knew who it was from.

Lucas.

She pushed it in her bag and to the back of her mind for the time being knowing she had to deal with something else first.

As Lucas drove away from Peyton's house he was fighting every feeling inside of him to run in there and tell her how he felt - but he stopped himself - he stopped himself for her. Because even though that moment in the hall had been possibly one of the hardest for him to endure it also gave Lucas a revelation. He saw her face as he looked at her - a smile.

_**Where the hell did you get that smile I haven't seen one of them in a while**_

He saw her eyes brighten as he talked to her - he saw her want to kiss him - he saw her want to have him near here. And he saw any feelings that she may have had for him fade away. And it was all he's own doing - he didn't deserve the love that Peyton had kept for him for so long - he had done nothing to be worthy of it. Nathan had been there for her - been a good friend, like Lucas knew he should have been - but because he was too scared. Scared of the feelings Peyton gave him - he turned away from her - telling himself excuse after excuse never really believing any of them.

_**I seen it all before, but something has changed - I used to be an open heart - what have you done to me?**_

All he knew for sure was that he couldn't stay there - he couldn't watch as they re-built whatever it was that they once had - he knew it was weak and that in running away perhaps he was taking an easy way out. But for him it was the only choice - because the pain he felt about her was too much. And the anger he felt at Nathan was something that he didn't want to feel but couldn't control and he knew if he stayed there - that anger would come out.

_**It could have been anyone - but it wasn't you and it wasn't him - it was me who felt like a fool right then**_

All he could do is take the memories he had of her with him - all the memories that they had shared and keep them with him - and try and find some way to move on from the feelings he had right now.

He hated that he had left just leaving her a letter but somethings were to hard to say and some things he just wasn't able to say to her face - again Lucas was afraid.

_"A life lived in fear is a life half lived - wise words for someone so stupid"_

Haley was right about one thing - he had been stupid - and so blind and so many other things that he couldn't take back - not now.

Nathan sat on the end of he's bed - he had tried calling Peyton first - then going to see her but she wasn't there, he had tried everything to take he's mind off the letter anything to not think about it. He hated it that he wanted to read it - he hated that she had written it. He thought he had this all settled in he's mind. But he realised that maybe these were things that Haley needed to say - that Haley needed to settle in her mind. He looked over to the letter on he's desk and walked towards it slowly - then back again to he's bed.

I don't need to read it There was no need to everything that he wanted to say had been said, why did he need to hear what she had to say? He didn't care what she had to say... but he did. Of course he cared - he couldn't not care about her.

Letting go of all of the questions he moved from the bed again ripping the envelope and pulling out the letter.

_"Dear Nathan,_

_I wasn't going to do this. I was just going to leave like you told me to, like you said you wanted me to - with no word. But sometimes there are things that need to said - I guess before you can be able to move on. _

_I know when I came back I was very silent with my feelings, I guess in someways I didn't feel like I had the right to be forthcoming with how I felt after putting you through so much pain._

_There's nothing I can say to change that, I wish there was I really do, because if you believe anything from me believe this, the last thing I ever want is too see you pain - and the thought that I caused so much for you is something that I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. _

_Its makes me so sad to think of how far apart we are right now, not just by miles but in every way, for someone who I once couldn't imagine my life without now seems like a stranger. I know you think that me leaving now is what I really wanted but the truth is, its not - I'm doing it because as I looked around Tree Hill and saw everyone I realised that I just don't fit there anymore - everything there just reminds me of you and the thought of being there and not having you in my life, you being someone I'd just walk past the corridor in school and not even speaks to is something that I know that I don't have the strength to do, so maybe in some ways I am taking the weak way out. But it really was the only way for me to be able to try and move in._

_No matter what anyone says to me - no matter how many times people tell me that I will get over this and move on, you will always be my biggest regret Nathan Scott - because I know I could have made different choices, better choices and we wouldn't be where we are today._

_I'm returning something to you that you gave me once - I'm giving it back because what it symbolises I guess doesn't mean that anymore._

_Do one thing for me though Nathan - talk to your brother._

_Always _

_Haley_

Nathan looked in the envelop, the bracelet he had given her sitting in the there. Staring up at him. Their entire relationship bought down to a letter and broken memories.

Nathan lay back on he's bed still clutching onto the letter - he didn't know what to think at all, any thought that came into he's head quickly left again leaving nothing but confusion behind. In all of this he realised that he had been so selfish, all along he had said that Haley had been. But so had he, because he had never once considered he feelings in all of this, how she must be feeling about them not being together anymore - how hard it must of been for her.

And suddenly Nathan realised he had things that he wished he had said but didn't good things about the two of them - it hadn't all been bad - in fact the large part of it had been good, just tarnished by the bad memories.

He sighed heavily - thinking of Haley's regrets knowing that she wouldn't be the only one having regrets - that he too would be carrying he's own with him.

The phone rang startling him slightly - he thought about not answering but the ringing persisted and he gave in.

"Can I speak to a Mr Scott please?"

"This is Nathan Scott"

"Is your father there?"

"No. I'm he's son. Can I help?"

"It's your Mother."

Peyton pushed through the hospital doors running as fast as she could - trying to figure out where she had to be - so many signs showing you where to go only confusing her even more - as she reached the front desk she tried to look around to find someone - anyone to ask after her friend to see where her friend was, as she turned she saw Brooke through a door lying on a bed in a room on her own - she was staring into space, Peyton rushed into the room - Brooke never turned to look at her just carried on looking out the window.

"You know I've been sitting here looking at all these people arriving and leaving - there's so many emotions. So many happy people meeting up with family - so many people leaving alone. I wonder who I'll be."

"Brooke what happened?"

"What do you think happened? I did. I messed it up just like I do everything in my life."

Peyton moved closer to Brooke's bed, she sat down on the side and grasped hold of her hand taking it into hers and squeezing it slightly.

"I lost the baby."

Peyton's eyes finally meet Brooke's as she turns to face her "Its such a stupid phrase isn't it? I lost it. I never understood that - you don't lose it - its just gone – forever."

"I'm so sorry."

"Me too. I actually thought maybe this would be something that I could get right - something that I could do right, I was even gonna take your advice and tell Lucas. I got all brave this morning and was heading over to see him, when... it just went away."

Peyton watches her friend holding back everything that she has been through - and she doesn't know what to say. What is there to say to her- nothing can make it right nothing can make it better, there are no words to make the pain go away. Peyton remembers what Brooke had done for her when her Mum had died she would come to Peyton's room and hold her hand and just sit there with her. Its all Peyton knew that she could do - because anything else would just be words it would be lost in the air.

_**I wake up, it's a bad dream, no one on my side, I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting, guess I'm not the fighting kind**_

"There's nothing that I can do or say. But I'm here - and no matter what you won't be walking out of here alone."

Brooked nodded and moved her other hand to grip onto Peyton's "Peyton... I wish I could take it all back..."

"It doesn't matter anymore."

Peyton shakes her head and moves herself to sit next to Brooke on the bed, leaning against her softly. And it doesn't matter anymore, anything that they had going on all suddenly seemed irrelevant to Peyton - because this is what it came down to - being there when you need someone, being there through everything no matter how big or small - making sure that you keep all the people in your life that somehow make things that bit easier to handle when life gets hard and holding onto it - and as Brooke let out all her sadness all what she had been holding onto Peyton knew that sometimes to get back to where you once were you need a crash back to reality even if sometimes it can be the hardest thing to understand.

When Nathan arrived at the hospital - he realised that nothing was never going to be easy, that there would always be things trying to pull him down, struggles along the way - but why did they always seem to come from the people who were meant to be protecting him - why were they not protecting him now - he's Dad when Nathan called him to tell him to get to the hospital replied with "I'm busy" and he's mum was the one who was here.

Did he need this? Did he need even more troubles to be put upon him - one after the other - each seeming to magnify more and more as they went on.

He turned down the corridor to get to the room - ready to go back and hear the rest of he's Mum's excuses for her behavior - when he was stopped by seeing Peyton standing before him, she saw him straight away - a little surprised but mostly relieved to see him standing there - she didn't hesitate for a second rushing to be near him and in he's arms to feel that safeness again.

Lucas pulled over to the side of the road - deciding to have a rest from he's journey, he stepped out the car and sighed and looked across the view in front of him - everything was beautiful and calm there was hardly anyone on the road and the trees falling over the lake looked beautiful as the moonlight hit the water.

He thought about Peyton and her reading he's letter - he wondered if she had seen it yet - what her reaction would be...

_**Why do I have to fly over every town up and down the line?**_

_**I'll die in the clouds above and you that I defend, I do not love.**_

Flashback

Lucas watched as Haley packs away her last few things and he looks down at the empty piece of paper that has been staring back at him for the last hour - words never fail him - he always knows exactly what to say but now there is too much confusion in he's mind and nothing seems to make any sense - maybe sometimes that is the best way - without even thinking he starts to write.

_Dear Peyton,_

_By the time you get this I won't be here anymore. I'm leaving in the morning and I needed to say goodbye - I know that you'll be mad for me not coming to see you, but somethings are too hard to say face to face and I guess I'm being weak - because I know that I don't have the strength to say goodbye to you._

_I would see you and you'd tell me to stay - that you'd need the reasons for me leaving and I couldn't give you those reasons and I know that I'd stay just because you'd tell me too - just to stop you from having any kind of sadness - because the pain of having caused you so much already is killing me and to actually see it again from something else I am doing - I just can't._

_So I am taking the weak persons way out and writing you this - I just needed you to know - that having you in my life, being around you was the times that I felt the happiest I ever felt - in the moments when you let me into your world and into your heart you let me be a part of you - they were the best and where I am going now I'll take you with me - because you left something with me - something that I can't shift something that has been there all along. I hope that you get and become everything that you deserve Peyton - I know that you will your too special not to stand out in this world._

_I'll be seeing you,_

_Lucas_

He memorised every word as soon as he wrote it - meaning every word of them. He was so angry with himself for leaving in such a way - only he's Mum knwoing, but there was no choice he had no choice - he kept saying it too himself over and over again hoping he would believe it - but the anger stayed soon turning into tears.

_**I wake up, it's a bad dream no one on my side - I was fighting but I just feel too tired to be fighting, guess I'm not the fighting kind - Wouldn't mind it if you were by my side but you're long gone, yeah you're long gone now.**_

Turning and kicking the tyre, unleashing all the anger he felt at himself for being so stupid again - something he got right everytime was doing the wrong thing. Kicking and kicking violently until turning and leaning and sliding to the ground.

_**Where do we go? I don't even know - my strange old face and I'm thinking about those days**_

He buried he's head in he's hands knowing it was too late to ever go back - to return to what was left there - and finding any strength he had left he pulled himself up off the ground and sat back in the car, this was it now - now he was gone, everyone else could move on.

* * *

Songs

The Feeling - Anyone

Keane - Bad Dream


	12. Chapter 12

Lucas remembered everything about that night - it was like he had captured every single moment in his mind and kept it pressed there so he would never forget. He remembered the smell in the air as he walked to her door - it was that clean fresh smell after it has rained like everything is clean again - all the bad things washed away, he remembers that he was early and that as usual Peyton was running late - he remembered that as he knocked on the door he could hear her scrambling around inside rushing to get ready - her panicked voice as she told him to let himself in only to be greeted by Peyton basically lying on the floor pulling boots up her leg - her face laughing looking at him upside down. The one thing that really stood out was how beautiful she looked - everything about her that night stood out - the way she smiled at him, the way held onto his arm slightly every now and then - little things that he hadn't realised he had been picking up on were all rushing back to him.

As she hugged him that night he remembered her smell the touch of her hand on his back the way she lingered in his arms just that bit longer not wanting to be apart.

Lucas never believed that anything could be perfect it just didn't exist - there would always be flaws and he liked it that way it made it real - but something about that night, everything had fallen into place somehow - there was a comfortableness that was happening between them - as she started her car - he remembers being so happy to be leaving Tree Hill even if it was only for one night the freedom of it felt exhilarating the breeze hitting he's face as they moved slowly along - the stereo filling the night with words...

_**Wont you look out to that horizon, these ships will all sail away, they all disappear like promises, it would all be so different, but there's a day before the darkness.**_

He looked over at Peyton - she was so caught up in the song - he knew the look on her face he had memorised it, he knew she was listening focusing on the music, the lyrics everything about it.

They hardly spoke but they didn't even need to - they only said what was needed to be said, the things that mattered.

The destination hadn't been as great as they had anticipated and they shared many laughs throughout the night about how Peyton had bought Lucas to such a dive - the band was no different - in fact all the things they had gone there to do turned out to be pretty awful - bad music in a bad venue with warm beer - but it really didn't matter, they were there together - in their almost secret world that no one else ever understood or would ever be able to- the laughing was one thing he especially remembered he never laughed so much in he's life - just being with her and sharing stories - they almost didn't want to leave the dive they had come to love for all its faults and eccentricities.

The drive however felt shorter than the journey - but Lucas had always found that when you were looking forward to something the longer it took to get there and then it was over it finished to quickly because you were trying so hard to make it last longer - that was one thing they agreed on they weren't tired and wanted to hang out - they had been hanging out watching movies nearly every night that summer - so why not carry on with what they had come to know as normal?

The movies they usually watched were bad movies they found on some random cable channel - when Peyton left half way through to get a drink he thought nothing of it - until he realised she had been gone for about 20 minutes, he looked around her house for her, looking at the pictures of her on her wall and laughing to himself at them - when he couldn't find her he went to her room - and there she was sitting on her bed listening to the song from the car on the way to "the dive" as they had renamed it...

_**For drawing the bigger pictures, for drawing the friendly fire, for drawing upon a lifetime of ugly experience, don't you leave me at the last time of asking.**_

He remembered seeing the tears running down her face - and not understanding how she could be crying on what had been one of the best nights of he's life, why was she not feeling that too?

And the conversation was one he could never forget, it had been permanently tattooed on he's memory and would never be erased.

"The movie was that bad."

Lucas watched as Peyton forced a smile "I think it was."

Lucas moved across the room and sat down beside her "Whats wrong?"

"Tonight has been - the most fun I have had in a really long time, I don't remember feeling this happy"

Lucas placed his hand in hers "So why the tears?"

"Because I think this is gonna be the last time things are ever this good between us."

"What? Peyton, don't be stupid me and you are always gonna be friends."

Peyton moved her hand from Lucas' and moved across the room "There's something I have to tell you - and I know what your gonna say but I still need to tell you, because I can't keep holding it in, I can't keep doing it to myself."

Lucas went to move towards her again, he was worried. In that moment he could think of nothing that would ever make him want to leave her side.

"I'm in love with you. And I have been for a really long time - probably since that first time we spoke at the side of the road - since you first saved me - I know you don't feel the same I know you love Brooke, but I couldn't not tell you, it was just... it was too hard to lie."

There was nothing Lucas could say - he literally had nothing to say, looking back at it now he realised that there were so many things that he should have said in that moment the first being that he loved her too - even if at the time it wasn't in the way he still should have let her know he loved her - just so she knew that she had an effect on he's life, that since they first spoke that day he had changed too, that she had saved him in so many ways as well - ways that she probably didn't even realise. There were so many things he knew now he should have said and he must have known it then - so why was the only thing he was capable of doing in that moment was just getting up off the bed and walking out of her room and out of her life. There words from the song still floating around in he's head.

_**It's easy to count your blessing - it's easy to soldier on - i**__**t's easy to make the best of a bad situation - it's easy for me to smile and say hold on.**_

Why was he always so comfortable running - running from her and the feelings he had for her? Why did they scare him so much?

"Hey Luke... wake up there!"

"Keith! Jeez"

"Sorry you wandered off into a daydream. Not that I blame you - it was probably more interesting than what I was saying anyway."

Lucas looked over to his uncle and smiled. He had missed Keith a lot, and he knew that by asking him of he could come and stay for a while he had made the right choice.

"Listen Luke, you know I'm more than happy to have you here - but I am wondering what drove you to be here? If you don't wanna talk about thats fine - I mean its not like I gave you much of an explanation when I just took off."

"You did what you had to Keith. Just like I did."

"A broken heart huh?"

"I can't..."

"That's okay - I gotcha. But maybe call your Mum, she's been calling for a couple of days now and you can't ignore her forever."

Lucas nodded as Keith walked away. He knew Keith was right. That he needed to talk to his Mum. But he wasn't ready not yet. The thoughts of what he had left behind were still too fresh he just needed some time.

Peyton had tried to talk to Brooke about telling Lucas - but she just didn't want to hear any of it. But Peyton still believed that Lucas deserved to know, she got that Brooke was scared. But Lucas was amazing in these situations and he would want to be there for Brooke, Peyton knew that much.

Peyton still hadn't read the letter - its new home was her bag the same place she had left it from 2 days ago, there was too much other stuff going on for her to think about and whatever it was she was sure it could wait.

But she was struggling with herself because she was standing outside Lucas' front door wanting to go in and tell him about Brooke - tell him that she needed him right now, but she had this voice in the back of her head that it just wasn't her place. She figured she would just go and talk to him, he had been MIA the past few days and she figured whatever words she wanted to say to him would just come out of her mouth.

As she opened the back door into he's room - the first thing that she noticed was how everything was gone. All the walls were blank gone were the posters that once covered them - the shelfs were empty - everything was bare. The second thing she noticed was Karen sitting looking lost on the end of her sons bed.

"Peyton... Hey sweetie."

"What the hells going on? Where's Lucas?"

Peyton moved closer to the bed she was still frantically looking around trying to take everything in.

"Sweetie, I thought he told you? He said he did, he said he had told everyone..."

Peyton stopped looking around the room and looked directly at Karen. "He left Peyton"

Peyton knew in that moment what was in that letter. She sat down next to the Karen, the realisation of the importance of it sinking in.

"He came to talk to me and he said that he wanted to go and live with Keith - he said that he felt stuck and unhappy and that being here was too hard to do anymore - he looked so broken... I fought with him on it - but you know Lucas - stubborn. He was adamant that it was what he wanted. I can't believe he didn't tell you, did he even tell Brooke?

Peyton sighed and looked around the room again.

"I think he did tell me I just haven't read it yet and no Brooke has no idea."

Peyton gets up off the bed and walks around the room - trying to look for small signs that this had once been Lucas' room any small part of he's presence being there - but there's nothing, even the door that was covered in concert tickets had been ripped off the all - she placed her hand on the door - thinking of all the memories some of those tickets had for her...

"He ripped them all down before he left - he said something about no other gigs comparing anymore or something I was trying to listen but - I found one left on the side there."

Without even looking Peyton knew which one it was there was no need for her even to look but she did, she picked it up and there it was the club name scribbled out and her hand writing with "the dive" written in the place of it - she smiled at the memory of it.

"I thought that might mean something to you"

"Yeah it means something." Peyton sighed and looked down at the ticket in her hand "He went to Keith's you said?"

Karen nodded "Do you have a number for him there?"

"I do - but he won't even speak to me..."

"Karen, I'm so sorry."

"Its not your fault."

But Peyton couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. Like she could have done something to stop this - now that night was haunting her, she used to wish sometimes that she could take back what she had said that she had left it to be the perfect night that it had been, why did she have to ruin it all by... by telling the truth and thats when she got her answer because the truth was the only thing that was going to set her free from it all.

_**A wish for a choir of angels - a wish for a second chance - **__**a wish for an opportunity to have said something simple like don't leave - or to catch you at the last time of asking**_

****

Nathan had promised to stay with Brooke while she went home to get cleaned up - she hadn't been home in a few days because she hadn't wanted to leave Brooke alone - she hadn't known what to do or say really but she knew that was the one thing she didn't want and that was Brooke to be alone.

Nathan wasn't too sure if Brooke would appreciate being left with Nathan its not like the two of them were best buddies or anything - but he wasn't doing it for Brooke he was doing it for Peyton, he just sat there quietly watching TV - and mostly thinking about what Lucas had said to him a few days earlier about leaving, wondering if he was actually being serious of if was Lucas just being over dramatic as usual.

He hoped for Brooke it wasn't because she would be needing him - he wondered why he wasn't here why Brooke hadn't called him - he didn't ask her he didn't want to pry into why she hadn't yet.

Brooke started to wake up and noticed Nathan sitting at the end of the bed smiling at whatever was on TV.

"You can't watch TV in your own house you have to come here and bother me?"

Nathan let out a small laugh "Brooke hey. Peyton just went home to get some stuff and get changed."

"Oh so your in charge of watching me then?"

"Something like that. Do you need anything"

"Nah - just wanna know when I can get out of here."

"I think the Nurse said it'll be tomorrow."

"Do you want me to call anyone or anything? I mean I'm sure you'd rather be here with anyone else but me..."

Brooke laughed slightly "Is that your not so subtle way of bringing up Lucas?"

"Its just if it were me - I'd wanna know."

Brooke sighed heavily "I know - I'm being selfish but I just don't know what to say."

"The truth is always good."

"You could do me a favour - call Peyton and tell her to bring me some clothes and stuff for tomorrow."

As Nathan left Brooke sighed with relief - she just couldn't start talking about Lucas - pretty much because she had no idea what to say. How could she call him up after 2 days and tell him what had happened - and would he even care anyway - she knew that feeling that way was stupid and of course he would care but - everything between them was still so unresolved - and this would only complicate it even more.

She hoped that Peyton would have some kind of deodorant in her bag or any kind of body spray she was starting to feel like such a zombie walking around in the hospital gowns - she couldn't wait to be back at home and able to have a shower - as she looked through Peyton's bag she saw Lucas' letter - she knew it was he's writing - Brooke had always been a curious person - and the side of wanting to know what was going on with Peyton and Lucas only made her want to open the letter even more - she turned it hoping it wasn't sealed and it wasn't just folded under - everything was screaming at Brooke not to look - but she knew they were voices she would answer to and that the only thing she was going to do was read whatever was in the envelope.

She pulled it out and saw that it was a letter her eyes fixed as she read every single word...

_Dear Peyton,_

_By the time you get this I won't be here anymore. I'm leaving in the morning and I needed to say goodbye - I know that you'll be mad for me not coming to see you, but somethings are too hard to say face to face and I guess I'm being weak - because I know that I don't have the strength to say goodbye to you._

_I would see you and you'd tell me to stay - that you'd need the reasons for me leaving and I couldn't give you those reasons and I know that I'd stay just because you'd tell me too - just to stop you from having any kind of sadness - because the pain of having caused you so much already is killing me and to actually see it again from something else I am doing - I just can't._

_So I am taking the weak persons way out and writing you this - I just needed you to know - that having you in my life, being around you was the times that I felt the happiest I ever felt - in the moments when you let me into your world and into your heart you let me be a part of you - they were the best and where I am going now I'll take you with me - because you left something with me - something that I can't shift something that has been there all along. I hope that you get and become everything that you deserve Peyton - I know that you will your too special not to stand out in this world._

_I'll be seeing you,_

_Lucas_

There were somethings Brooke had done in her life that she had regretted doing - in fact there was a huge long list with things being added on a daily basis - but of all the things she had done that she wished she could take back this was the one she wished that for the most - because sometimes there were somethings that you just don't need to know - somethings that that would change how you felt about people without even realising it - like for example how Brooke would resent the fact that Lucas spent time to write Peyton a letter to say goodbye - but Brooke got nothing - but then she hadn't expected much else from Lucas.

One thing she did realise was that she had made no mistake in not calling him.


	13. Chapter 13

Peyton lay on her bed - she felt like the last 2 weeks of her life had been a huge blur, just trying to focus one thing at a time - thinking about what the next moment held just so she wouldn't have to deal with the fact that he was actually gone. She had thought about picking up the phone so many times just to ask why? Why with no explanation he was gone and out of her life - she had even thought of getting in her car and driving all the way there to see why he had done it.

But the same thing always came back to her - if he had wanted to give her a reason to give her some kind of explanation then he would have - he had proven to her this time that how she felt clearly meant nothing to him - not for him to keep hurting her this way. If he cared about her or anyone he would have given them an explanation surely they deserved that much - she had never thought of Lucas as a selfish person - but he's actions over the past few months had proved nothing but that - he's leaving only confirming all her thoughts.

She had pulled away from Nathan and she knew this - she knew that Nathan would think it was because of Lucas leaving and he wasn't wrong - but it wasn't for the reasons he thought - but she hadn't explained and she could feel him pulling away too - it was what her and Nathan did best as soon they started to get to that closeness they both instantly pulled away - they always had.

She didn't want it to be that way this time - she didn't want the past to be always ruling how they acted now, she was afraid of how he made her feel because she hadn't expected it or looked for it - but she wasn't going to throw it away - and she suddenly had a rush of braveness crash over her - practically jumping off the bed and running to the door - she was stopped by someone and arms on her shoulders.

"Nathan... I was just gonna come and see you..."

Nathan let go of her shoulders – and moved across the room. Peyton turned and watched him start to pace across the room, before turning to face her.

"Look - I know its been weird. What with my Mum and Brooke... and Lucas leaving. I know its probably been really hard for you, but I feel like your pulling away from me Peyton and I'm trying here cos I know we're the experts at this you know? You get close to me I pull away I get close to you and you pull away. But I don't wanna be like that you know its different this time right? I mean I'm not the only feeling that right? If this is about Lucas and your feelings towards him then just tell me - I can take it... "

Peyton could feel herself slowly moving towards him, as he spoke those last few words she felt like she was running just to get close to him, to make sure he knew thats not what this was about.

"God Nathan no... I mean it has been about Lucas but not just him - you know its everything you just said its you and me - and I don't wanna be afraid of what e have anymore either. Because to be honest your the only thing in my life that makes sense - your the one person who makes me feel safe."

Peyton rested her hands on Nathan's chest and looked up into Nathan's eyes, she could feel his hands now resting lightly on her back.

"What about Lucas? I know your hurt by the way he left..."

Peyton nodded "Yeah I am. But if he cared about me Nathan - he would have said goodbye."

Nathan moved his hands to rest on Peyton's and sighed heavily.

"He told me he was leaving."

Peyton dropped Nathan's hands and moved backwards away from him. "What?"

"I didn't think he was serious P - you know Lucas.. I just..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Peyton couldn't believe that Nathan had known, that he had seen Lucas before he left and for the past two weeks had some how managed not to tell her that he had.

"Well you haven't really spoken to me for the past few weeks... "

"No. Don't you dare blame me for you keeping this from me. I've still seen you. I've still been here with you everyday"

"But you haven't though have you? You haven't been here at all. And how could I be honest with you when this is the one thing that I am afraid of? You realising that you and me are the mistake that he is what you really want - and maybe I'm selfish for saying this but I don't want that for you. I want you and me - cos you deserve better than that - you deserve better than someone who is gonna keep on running away."

"I deserve someone who'll love me. And be honest with me."

"I just, I was scared P. I can't lose you."

Peyton shook her head. "Nathan, I'm not going anywhere. And I don't know how many times I have to tell you, that its you I want. You I love."

Peyton sighed and moved across the room to stand opposite him once again. "But I need you to be honest with me. Okay?"

Peyton moved closer to him again, and took hold of his hands, gripping her fingers around he's resting them once again on Nathan's chest. Nathan nodded slightly. "I know. And I will be"

Nathan pulled her closer towards him, and Peyton rested her head on his shoulder. "We have to go to that beach party with Brooke"

"I know. We're okay though Peyton right?"

Peyton nodded and smiled up at Nathan before leaning in and kissing him softly "Yeah we're fine"

* * *

_**Don't tell me love is worth the waiting, you kept me hanging all these years, but it's so good to feel this patience running out, when you come back I won't be here.**_

Lucas spent most of he's first two weeks helping out Keith at he's new garage in town - he enjoyed it and without it even being said it became he's job, he was glad of the distraction - anything to take he's thoughts away from Tree Hill and from Peyton. A small part of him had a crazy idea that she would turn up at he's doorstep and they would get in her car and drive away from all of it just the two of them together - he realised that he was deluded in this daydream that it was never going to be happen - he had seen Peyton happy - how happy Nathan was making her and it made him realise even more that he had only ever made Peyton miserable that him being in her life had done nothing but cause her pain - he always came back to the conclusion that she was better off without him.

* * *

Brooke stood on the beach, she looked out over the ocean and it was so calm and peaceful - she could her the crackle of the bonfire in the background and the voices of the people starting to make their way down the beach - she smiled to herself slightly. 

It was strange but she was actually starting to feel some relief from all the pain she had felt - she was starting to let things go.

She had gone over the thought of calling Lucas a million times to tell him what had happened but she realised there was no point - because the truth was she didn't want to see him, she didn't want to go over the whole thing with him - she was tired of all the drama he bought to her life - and now her and Peyton were finally returning to some kind of normality Lucas just seemed irrelevant to her now.

But the only thing still on her mind was the letter - the one he left for Peyton. She had kept it - and she reached for it and pulled it out her pocket sighing as she did - thinking of the content of it and Peyton's words also.

Brooke looked up and saw Peyton and Nathan walking down the beach - arms round one another smiling and laughing. She had never seen Peyton like it - in all the years they had been friends she had never been like this - so content with someone. She looked down at the letter in her hand - did she need to see this? Did Peyton need this in her life now when she was so happy? Brooke threw the letter in the fire - without hesitation and went to meet her friends not looking back with any regrets.

* * *

Lucas' days went by slowly - he lost himself in he's work - he worked all the hours he could anything to take the thoughts away from everything that was left behind. He tried not to dwell on what he had done - he tried to avoid the phone calls he's Mum kept doing - trying everything he could to avoid a confrontation or to have to give any kind of real explanation to he's leaving. 

He knew that is what she wanted a reason - a real reason as to why he left, but he couldn't say it - he couldn't admit it to anyone - the longer he kept it hidden the better it would be for everyone else - it didn't matter if it ate away at him - he would in time find a way to deal with all the pain he was feeling.

He still thought about her everyday - he hoped that the memories of her would fade from he's mind as the days went by - but if anything they only intensified more - as if it was punishment for him leaving, this is what he got. All the memories of being close to her - all the times he wished he had held onto her longer and not let go. But what haunted him more were the things he said that he wished he could take back - the things that he knew had caused her pain.

_**Flashback**_

"_Are you screwing him?" _

_Peyton stopped drawing for a moment and then carried on. "Who"_

"_You know who." _

_She looked up at him and shrugged her shoulders "I really don't."_

"_Dammit Peyton" Lucas banged he's fist on the table and Peyton jumped back. "Nathan... you are aren't you? I see the way he looks at you..."_

"_That's none of your damn business Luke."_

"_So why are you doing it huh Peyton? Cos you couldn't have me..." Peyton shook her head._

"_Don't even finish that sentence... do you even hear yourself right now?"_

"_When your with him are you thinking about me? Cos he's sure as hell not thinking about you is he?" Lucas words spat out at her with venom "What both your level of depression and wanting other people drove you to each other?"_

"_ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME HATE YOU?"_

"_YES!"_

"_Why?" Peyton couldn't stop the tears now. "Why would you do that to me? Why would you turn your back on friendship when I told you how I felt, thats not the Lucas I know... why you act like you couldn't give a shit about me."_

_**End of Flashback**_

He buried he's head in he's hands the memory of what he had said cutting through him like a knife. He begin to wonder why he punished himself so much with all he's regrets - he knew he had to let them go - but something wasn't letting him.

Lucas looked up and watched as Keith placed a cup of coffee in front of him and sat down next to Lucas.

"You look like you need it." Keith smiled slightly before drinking some of his own coffee and then leaning forward on the table. "Luke, you know I love having you here - but eventually you are gonna have to talk to me and tell me why. And I'm not buying cos you wanted a change crap. I know what your like and I see that look in your eye - I've had that look in my eye. What are you running from? Or more importantly who are you running from?"

"I can't talk about it, I don't even know what to say"

"But losing sleep and running away is helping is it?"

"Maybe thats what I deserve. Maybe I deserve to be feeling this way alright? I caused so many people pain back there okay? I messed up peoples lives - Nathan, Brooke and P... I'm better off away from them, and they are better off without me... "

"Did you ask them that? Cos I'm sure thats not how they feel. Especially Peyton. Thats who you were gonna say before you stopped yourself right? I saw the way she looked at you, I saw how you were with her. What you think cos I'm old I can't tell about that stuff? Luke, I'm not looking for a running commentary here - I'm just trying to understand why right now your so broken? I don't wanna see you like this - this isn't the Lucas I know."

"I don't know how to be any different. And Peyton, I've done nothing but make her miserable and disappoint her and out of everyone she is the one who is the most better off without me - she deserves to be happy more than anyone I know - and without me there I know she will be."

Keith shook his head "Did you even try and talk to her? Explain that to her?"

Lucas sighed "No. I didn't even say goodbye properly. I just left her a letter."

_**I know you have a little life in you yet - I know you have a lot of strength left - I should be crying, but I just cant let it show - I should be hoping, but I cant stop thinking**_

"A letter? So you didn't even have the courage to say anything of it to her face?"

Lucas stood up from the table and moved away from where Keith was sitting, and leant against the counter. "It was for the best... "

"Let me ask you something. Do you love her?"

_**Of all the things I should've said, that I never said - all the things we should've done, that we never did - all the things I should've given, but I didn't**_

"Yes."

"You love her but you didn't even have the courage to go to her and tell her to her face - tell her that you were leaving. Can you imagine how she's feeling right now? How angry she's gonna be?"

"Good. Better that she hates me - better that she thinks that of me - that way she can forget about me, just like I can forget about her."

_**All the things that you needed from me - all the things that you wanted for me - all the things that I should've given - but I didn't**_

"But thats just it - you won't ever forget Lucas. This will carry around with you forever you'll never be able to take it back - all the things you wished you had said to her - you can't go back and change that - you'll live your life afraid - always wondering what could have been and I don't want that for you. Look at me. I can't go back now, cos I made the mistake that your making now and its too late for me, I can't change that now - but you still have a chance."

"No I don't. She's in love with Nathan. And she's happy. You see now why I left. All I want is for her to be happy"

Keith sighed "It looks like both the women we love are picking the other brother."

"Your Mum wrote me."

Keith stood up from the table and moved over to Lucas, taking a letter out of his pocket and handing it to Lucas. Lucas rad the letter quickly, trying to take everything that was written in, he looked up at Keith, part of him thinking that this was all some joke, but all Keith did was nod.

"This isn't happening. Why would she write and tell you this?"

"To be able to move on I guess. I called her. I thought maybe you'd be happy about this."

"My Mum and Dan? Together? Not something to be happy about Keith. Why is she doing this?"

"Maybe of you called her once in a while you'd know."

Lucas went to open his mouth to speak, but Keith rested his hand on Lucas shoulder and silenced him before he could "Go call your Mother"

* * *

**Songs**

**Easyworld - When You Come Back**

**Kate Bush - This Womans Work**


	14. Chapter 14

Peyton turned and looked at her best friend - standing smiling watching the game, cheering as the team continued with their winning streak. She felt safe to be back with her friend like this - as she turned she saw Nathan shoot again and score and he smiled at her quickly before running back down the court. Suddenly she realised that everything had returned to what it once was - no Haley - no Lucas. It had gone back to how it had usually been.

_**This is the life - everyone has to be somewhere - I am here**_

But instead of feeling back to normal - Peyton felt unsettled, it was almost like Lucas had never existed in their world - like he had been part of some dream and now they were all waking up and just like most dreams he would be something they would all forget. But Peyton couldn't forget not as easily as the others - he had left a permanent scare on her brain - and she had tried so hard to push him aside to focus on her and Nathan to focus on school - but it seemed as if things were reminding her of him everywhere she went - like he was all over her world like he had left reminders of him every where she went.

She felt more and more angry at herself for feeling and thinking like that - how did he always manage to do that? She hated him but at the same time he consumed her - even when he was miles away he was still there.

She needed to talk to someone but she had no one - she couldn't approach Nathan about it and Brooke wasn't a good option either - but she could feel herself pulling further away from both of them and the more she did it she knew the harder it would get.

_**Testing a dream - the pressure of dreams is the killer of dreams and it only gets harder**_

"P.Sawyer"

"Davis"

"Whats up with you tonight? You've been somewhere else all night?"

Peyton sighed and turned to look at her friend, she hated that she couldn't hide how she was feeling, that Brooke always seemed to know when she had something on her mind.

"Its just... I mean its been like 2 months, don't you ever wonder? I can't help it Brooke, I mean I can't believe that he would just leave with no word or anything its not like Lucas and I... "

"Peyton, maybe it was just what he needed to do you know?"

"And thats fine, but did he not think that we were worthy of an explanation? I thought... I thought we meant more, I thought I meant more than that."

"Lucas is gone, and you have Nathan - and he is crazy in love with you. Your finally happy Peyton - you should focus on that and look towards the future."

Peyton knew Brooke was right - it all made sense in theory, but she wished it was that easy - that she could just move on and not think about him - but Peyton was somethings but she knew her head it knew the reality of the situation and her forgetting about Lucas Scott was not going to be an easy task.

_**This is the life - this is my life**_

* * *

Nathan watched as Dan held out he's hand to Karen to help her out of her chair - it was weird to see them laughing and smiling with what seemed like they had no care in the world - he hadn't adjusted to this - it was almost like he couldn't quite believe it was actually happening.

Nathan turned to watch Peyton as she sat with Brooke laughing and smiling. They had finally gotten back into their routine. At least thats how it had felt to start with, but he admitted that he had been afraid he could feel Peyton pulling away from him - even after there discussions even after he had told her he loved her - she had said it back - but yet he could still feel the distance from her - like when they were together it was almost as if she was somewhere else and he hated it - he hated the fact that he could feel her pulling away and he was unable to stop any of it.

The only thing that settled him were that in some weird way things were starting to feel normal again - he was playing better than ever - Brooke and Peyton were friends again, even he's Mum had decided to get help - so when Dan had announced to him at breakfast 2 weeks ago that he and Karen were engaged it knocked the life out of him.

Not that he didn't want he's Dad to be happy - not that he wasn't happy for the two of them, but it was so unexpected so out of nowhere. So when he's Dad sat him down and told him how they had gotten close again - how they had put things from the past to rest and were trying to move forward he accepted it. He had never understood either of he's parents actions and this was no exception. But what he did see was a change it Dan - he seemed happy a side of him that Nathan didn't think he had ever seen - it was refreshing and he seemed less concerned about the small things - he had let things go and if anyone needed to do that it was Dad.

But now here he stood at their engagement party and he was about to give his speech Dan had asked him to do it, something that Nathan hated doing anyway but to have to stand there and talk about them was just to weird. So instead of that he decided to draw on he's feelings on love - he's experiences from it.

He looked back over to Peyton again - she looked beautiful tonight - her curly hair hanging down her shoulders - and wearing green - he loved how she looked in green - he watched her for a while as she made her way across the room - she was smiling and talking to everyone. He's Dad motioned for him to give he's speech and he sighed nervously making he's way to the table - he clinked he's glass as silence fell over the room.

He made sure he could see Peyton - she smiled at him giving him a quiet confidence.

"I hate giving speech's. Thats probably not the best way to start I know - but I think thats something you all need to be aware of. We're here to celebrate two people finding each other and I guess no ones story is uncomplicated along the way there are always bumps in the road things pulling you away from that person - but sometimes, somehow you find your way back to them."

Nathan couldn't stop staring at Peyton, he's complete focus on her, everything he was saying, he was saying it to her, for her.

"I never believed in things like whats meant to be or destiny or anything like that - but recently my faith in that has been restored and I can thank love for that."

As Peyton listened to the words from Nathan's mouth - tears formed in her eyes and she suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe like the room around her is getting smaller - as Nathan's words continue and ring through her ears she stars looking around for some kind of exit and she is making her way across the room - trying not to focus on anything else other than getting out of that room.

She sits down in the lobby and sighs - why couldn't she let it go, why was she still hanging on? And why was she still lying to herself that she couldn't let it go - she could feel herself still pulling away from Nathan and she hated it, she knew that she was keeping a part of herself hidden the part that she had only ever shown to one other person.

"Hey P, are you okay? Why did you run out so fast? You feeling okay?"

"Sorry I'm just feeling a bit light headed..."

"You want me to take you home?" Nathan rest his hands on her shoulders.

"Why are so good to me?"

Nathan smiled "Because I love you."

Peyton watched as Nathan looked deep into her eyes as he said those words - why couldn't she just let it go - why was she always holding back? Why was she holding onto a ghost of someone who clearly wasn't thinking about her. Why was she always thinking about him, when she was still so angry with him. Tears fell down her face at the words.

"I love you too. Your too good to me - I keep you at arms length and your too good for me."

Peyton watched as Nathan backed away from her slightly she knew she could see from the way he was looking at her now that he was frustrated, angry, wondering why they were back here again. Wondering why she was still feeling that way.

"I thought we had gotten through this, I thought it was just gonna be you and me..."

"I am trying Nathan.. but I can't..."

"IS IT HIM PEYTON? Is it Lucas? Because I'm never gonna be him - I will never be like that, I will never be THAT guy. Is he what you want? Someone who leaves and lets you down all the time?"

Peyton knew Nathan was right. He was right, but something inside of her just wouldn't let it go. She dropped her head forward looking down to the ground, the look in Nathan's eyes were burning through her.

"Maybe you enjoy that part of you and Lucas that he's able to hurt you. Because I feel like you push anyone away who treats you right..."

"I don't want you to be him, its just I wanna understand why he left Nathan does that make me a bad person to feel that way?"

Nathan moved towards her slightly "No it doesn't. But why didn't you tell me thats how you were feeling, why wouldn't you share that with me? Why say you were okay with it if you weren't? Did you think that I couldn't handle it - I know that you're sad and angry with him for leaving that way - but Peyton dammit you have to let me in..."

"I want to Nathan, I do so much - but I don't know how to be like that, I spent so much time building up all these walls and then you make me feel like I don't need them and it terrifies me. I don't know what to do with that - because if I fall and you're not there, they'll be no one to pick me up."

Peyton looked up to meet Nathan's eyes, he had moved closer to her now, and pulled her into his arms.

"I will always be here. You can think that anything else is a lie - but you have to believe me when I say that I will never let you down. Look at me Peyton" Nathan moved away slightly turning her face to look at his "I'm not Lucas. I'm not going anywhere."

Peyton leaned in closer to him- letting out all the tears that she had been holding in - all the feelings that she had been scared to admit - she knew that her and Nathan needed more talking but in that moment this was all she needed all he needed - he needed to know that she wanted him to be there for her - that she needed him in her life, all she wanted was the security and the reassurance from Nathan that it all meant as much to him as it did to her.

Most of all she knew she had to let go - as Nathan drove her home that night she leaned back in her seat and looked up at the stars instantly being taken back to that night with Lucas - the memories of it put a smile across her face - she remembered the laughter - she had never laughed so much in her life - she always remembered the sadness of that night and the realisation that it wasn't when Lucas went to Charlotte that he walked out of her life - it was that night in her room - he abandoned her long ago - when he made the choice to not be the person she thought he was, and even after the apologies and the thoughtful speech's from in it all came down to the same thing - he had walked out on her time and time again, when he knew she needed him, and instead of being mad at him, instead of hating him - she just carried on loving him and the more she did that, the more she started to hate herself for it. She realised that she didn't need to feel that way - because as she looked to her side she saw everything that she needed, she had someone who she knew - was there through everything - someone who when they got scared didn't back away - someone who loved her.

As she walked through her bedroom door she sat at her computer and turned it on, slowly standing up she turned on her stereo - the radio filled the room.

_**You and your friends boxes of ten - cool to the touch you warn me so much - the white to your left the red to your right - are all that I'd seen til I realised the love that I seek lies right in-between**_

Peyton sighed heavily the night had been long, she was so tired - but she knew she had one last thing she had to do before she could let it all go. She lifted her microphone of her desk and started to speak.

"So Peyton Sawyer here again - letting you in on her life. So the last time we spoke - I told you about a guy that I have in my life. I realised tonight how easy it is to takes things for granted and how easy it is to be selfish and get caught up in how you feel without realising what your putting other people through. I don't wanna be a selfish person, because I've had alot of people come in and out of my life that have been like that and I know how much that hurt me it just makes me not want to be like anymore.

This is probably gonna be my last one of these, cos I also realised that after to this I won't need it anymore. Because my last message is to one person in particular and this person if they're even listening knows who they are.

Its okay that you did what you did, and you wanna know why its okay. Because I don't care anymore - I'm doing now what I should have done a long long time ago - I'm letting you go."

Peyton put down the microphone and unplugged it and shut down her computer - she got undressed and lay in her bed she turned to switch on the light by her bed but as she got there she realised she didn't need it anymore. Reaching over to pick up her cell phone she dialled the number automatically.

"I just want you to know - that everything is gonna be okay. And I do love you."

Peyton heard Nathan breathe in deeply. "I know. I love you too"

Peyton didn't know but there had been someone listening that night - just not the person she expected.

* * *

**_Songs _**

**_Wendy and Lisa - This is The Life_**

**_The Feeling - Rose_**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks so much for anyone who is reading and for the comments, they really are appreciated.**

**Claire xoxox**

* * *

As Brooke pulled up outside the small house she smiled to herself - it suited the owner perfectly it was so old fashioned she could have picked it out as he's any day. She felt a slight apprehension as she moved down the path leading to the door, but she knew somethings had to be done, things that maybe other people were too scared to do themselves. She also knew that by being here she may have been making a huge mistake, that maybe this was the wrong thing to do, but she fought against it as she thought of her best friend. This wasn't about him, she was doing this for Peyton, she had made too many mistakes, hurt Peyton too many times, she wanted to make up for those and thats all that went through her mind as she tapped gently on the door.

"Keith I'll get it..."

Lucas words trailed off as he opened the door to see who was standing in front of him. The shock on he's registered to Brooke and the difference in him did too. He was so altered. He looked completely broken. He's hair was a mess, grown since she saw him last, hanging messily over his forehead, his unshaven face and a tiredness in his eyes. But altogether there was something else, something that showed through him, that he was suffering.

"You look like hell."

"Nice to see you too Brooke"

Brooke watched as Lucas moved out the house pulling the door closed behind him, he walked past her and down the path, he moved closer to her car, perhaps he thought she hadn't come alone, she couldn't register he's thoughts.

"What are you doing here Brooke?"

He turned to face her, placing he's hands in he's pockets, waiting for whatever Brooke had to say.

"I wanted you to know that I think its good that you left. People seem to be finally moving on - its funny you screwed up so many times but the last time you do it turns out to be the best move you ever make."

"Well thanks for that. Its nice to know you'll come all this way to insult me"

Lucas moved towards the house brushing past Brooke as he did "She's happy you know." She turned to watch him walk back to the door, but with her words he had stopped dead. "_Really_ happy. Finally moving on from everything. Maybe you need to do the same."

As Lucas turned to face Brooke, she saw an anger in him that she had never seen before, as he moved towards her pointing closely near her face "I do NOT need to here this from YOU..."

"Actually I think you do"

Brooke pulled the case out of her pocket and looked down at it.

"She's letting go. And thats why I think its so good you're here. Maybe you can too."

Brooke handed the case to him "I'm guessing you haven't caught any pod casts recently - but I really think that you might like that one. Its got a special message for you on the end. And when you listen to it - those words being spoken to you from someone you care about the most in the world - you take a moment and you think about the things that you did that you can NEVER take back."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I've done alot of things that I can never take back, things that I will regret, but I know that this isn't one of them"

Lucas didn't speak as he watched Brooke turn and go to her car and drive away, he watched till the car was out of site and then down into his hands. He should have said more, asked more - but she made her point and even though everything she had said, he had thought about himself so many times, to actually hear it, to actually hear that everyone else felt that way too – devastated him.

He moved back into the house, walking through the hall, up the stairs and into his room, he shut the door firmly behind him and sat on the bed, still staring down at the CD. A fear came over him as he opened it, half of him not wanting to hear whatever was on it, but the other half needing to.

Pressing play he heard her begin to speak, her voice filling the room, and as he closed his eyes he could imagine her sitting by his side talking to him.

_...because my last message is to one person in particular and this person if they're even listening knows who they are. Its okay that you did what you did, and you wanna know why its okay. Because I don't care anymore - I'm doing now what I should have done a long long time ago - I'm letting you go._

Lucas played it again, taking in every single word. He played it again and again. He needed this. He needed to hear this. He needed to feel the pain that went with this.

He stopped the disc and sat down quietly on the bed - he had wanted this exactly this - but it hurt and he was glad, he welcomed it - after all the things he had put her through he deserved hearing her say those words - now all he had to do was find he's own way of ever being able to get over them.

* * *

_**I don't want it, I don't want tonight to stop - no more waiting, no more wishing from the top - do you hear it? do you hear the only sound? no more dying - no more wishing from the ground**_

Peyton laughed as she watched Nathan run from the car onto the beach pulling he's shirt over he's head and throwing it on the floor. He smiled and waved back at her like a kid having their first time at the beach - she got out the car and leaned against the bonnet just watching him and he gestured for her to join him.

"Nathan - your crazy!! Its freezing! and night time!!"

"So? What did you say about deciding to be insanely happy?"

"You got the insane part right!"

"Don't make me come over there and get you P."

Peyton placed her hands on her hips and looked at him inquisitively "You wouldn't dare"

"Oh wouldn't I?"

Peyton laughed and started to run around the back of the car as Nathan ran towards her. She ran onto the beach quickly followed by Nathan who grabbed her waist and pulled her in close - her back leaning against he's chest - he placed he's arms firmly around her stomach, resting he's head on her shoulder. Peyton stopped her struggling and leaned her head back to rest her head close to he's.

"Its so beautiful here."

Nathan moved her hair from of her shoulder and softly kissed her neck, then moved he's head back to lean against hers.

"Yeah it is"

Peyton looked around - taking everything in. Each small noise in the background, each smell in the air - it felt good to have finally let things go. To finally be allowing herself to be happy.

"Thank you. I don't think you realise how many ways you've helped me - how many things you've done for me. I didn't think I'd find a way to be happy you know?"

I think we both helped each other and I didn't know what that meant at first, but being with you now. Here like this - it all makes sense to me - its like everything has fallen into place."

Peyton just nodded leaning further back into him - she smiled to herself and as she felt him hold onto her tighter - she moved suddenly and wriggled herself free running towards the water - pulling off her shirt and throwing it towards Nathan.

"What happened to its cold! and night time!"

Peyton turned back to look at him, smiling widely "You chicken Nathan?"

Peyton smiled at him devilishly and he ran towards her picking her up and then losing their balance they fell to the ground - laughing as Nathan pulled Peyton on top of him.

"Am I really that heavy?"

"Very" Nathan laughed as Peyton hit he's chest playfully "Hey!"

"You wanna go in the water?"

"Thats ones option... but we could take advantage of you and me... alone... on a beautiful beach..."

"Have I ever told you I love the way you think?"

Nathan placed he's arms around her neck and then down her back pushing her closer to him, Peyton smiled as Nathan kissed down her neck - everything about the moment was perfect - it was almost as if nothing could come between what they had Peyton was finally seeing that it was okay to be happy - that if you actually did something for yourself to make you happy the world would keep on turning.

**I don't want it, no I don't want tonight to stop - n****o more waiting, no more wishing from the top**

* * *

**Time to leave this town now your dreams have all let you down - ****no one here will miss you now - time to wake up and look around**

Lucas had received exactly 2 more letters from Karen and what seemed like a million answer machine messages. He had yet to call her - much to the annoyance of Keith. He knew Keith still didn't fully understand he's actions but he knew that what Keith didn't understand the most was why he was pushing out he's Mum.

To be honest Lucas wasn't really sure either - a part of him just wanted to close the door on he's life there - but how could he do that?

He had so many questions to ask her too? How did she go from hating Dan Scott to suddenly being engaged to him? Had Lucas been so caught up and selfish in he's own life that he had managed to ignore what was going on with the people he cared about.

He knew the answer to that - but just like everything else that he did - he wouldn't admit it to himself, he was becoming an expert at running from things. He could feel himself fading away - the person he used to be gone - even looking at he's reflection - no expression - he had lost something in him that he once had.

**he used to be a lovely boy - time on your hands - ****world at your feet - no adventure left incomplete**

He didn't want to be this way - he knew there would have to be some kind of effort on he's part- he was just healing he guessed from what was going on with he's life. But it wasn't he's Mum's fault he knew that much. He picked up the phone 4 or 5 times before actually being brave enough to dial the number.

"Hello."

Lucas heard a certain sadness in he's Mum's voice one that he knew was completely down to him.

"Lucas honey? Is that you?"

"Yeah Mum. Its me."

Lucas could hear her voice break slightly, as if she was finally letting go of the tears she had been holding in. "Its good to hear your voice."

"You too. I'm sorry I haven't called – I..."

"Its okay. I spoke to Keith a few times - he explained that you were feeling... I wished you had talked to me sweetie..."

"I can't do that I... I'm sorry I should have called sooner"

"I miss you a lot kiddo - its quiet without you."

"Come on I bet your loving it"

Lucas heard his Mum let out a small laugh and then she went silent for a few seconds "You know just after you left, erm Peyton came to see you - you never said goodbye to her - she was pretty upset.."

"I said goodbye in my own way - but I guess maybe she didn't think it was enough"

**Find a place where you can hide from the love that holds you inside - ****time so unkind like an old friend leaves you behind**

Lucas waited for a response from her, but he just heard her sigh loudly.

"I just wanted to - I, Keith told me about you and Dan.."

"Lucas. I know what you must be thinking. But I'd really like it if we could talk about it face to face. Maybe you could come home?"

"I can't do that Mum..."

"Well, the wedding is in a couple of weeks - I sent invitations but I don't know if you've been reading any of the mail I send"

"Of course I have"

"I know you may not understand this - maybe you don't want to, thats why it took you so long to call - I don't know but I would like it if you could be there for me"

"I don't know what you want me to say Mum. I don't understand this at all. I mean I know you and him were trying to find a way to talk, but this?"

"Its not something I expected either Luke. I mean I didn't expect to feel this way..."

"I do wanna be there for you I do – and I do wanna understand this, but I can't"

"Sometimes we make mistakes, but I believe that its never to late to make things right - to make a change, to admit that you got it wrong"

"Is that what Dan did?"

"He's changed a lot Lucas. If you could see how hard he's been trying"

"You know what I can't do this, I can't talk about this, I can't have you talk about him like that, because you know what? I don't believe it, I don't believe that people can change. Not really"

"What happened to my boy?"

Lucas sighed heavily, what had happened to him? As he spoke the words he almost seemed unrecognisable to himself. Where had his faith gone?

"I don't know"

Lucas could hear her crying again and he couldn't bear to - he knew she was waiting for him to say that he was going to be there, but how could he promise her that - when most days he was barely making it through here.

"I have to go. I'll call you again soon."

"I love you Luke"

"You too Mum"

He sighed as he put down the phone, he looked down at his hands the phone still held tightly in one.

"You finally call her?" Lucas nodded "About time"

"Keith do you believe that you can go back and change things - or try and make things right at least, all the things you should have done but didn't?"

Keith sighed heavily and sat down next to Lucas.

"I guess it depends. On what those things are and how long you left it. Sometimes it is too late - but mostly I think if you have the courage to go back and admit that you were wrong - the bravery to stand up and admit that - then it means something - whether it means that everything is all forgiven - at least you can say that you tried right?"

As Lucas listened to Keith something finally hit inside of him - maybe Keith was right - maybe there was never any actual going back but opportunities to at least try and make things right - even if no one was interested at this moment he felt like he had nothing else to lose - and having heard he's Mums voice and how hurt she had sounded he knew he had to go back, if not for anything else - for her.

"I need to go back Keith"

"Yeah. So do I"

* * *

**Songs**

**Captain - Glorious**

**Keane - He Used To Be A Lovely Boy**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thank you so much again for the comments and reviews. It means so much to get feedback from this story. Its the first thing that I wrote that I really felt proud of. And going back over it and changing things from the original, just reminds me how much I loved writing it then. Really long chapter this time. Wasn't sure where to cut it off. And the next part will pretty much carry on from where it leaves too. Hope you enjoy and again thank you for reading. Comments are always appreciated.**

**Claire xoxo**

* * *

Nathan never told Peyton about the letter Haley left for him. He had thought about telling her so many times, but he wasn't really sure what it would achieve - would it really make any difference if she knew? What was written in the letter was things that only he needed to know - things Haley had written to him.

The thing he also hadn't done was put the letter away and forgotten about it - there were moments when Nathan would find himself looking at the letter and questioning things that had been said in it.

He felt like he had been unfair to Haley in so many ways - never giving her a chance to explain her point of view, he knew why he wouldn't hear what she had to say, it was because he was still angry with her, at the time he hadn't let it go - he was still holding onto all the pain that he had been keeping building up.

But things were different now he had learnt to let things go and with doing that he had gained some perspective - even though what Haley did was wrong and hurtful - she had her reasons, she had a dream, and Nathan had never been supportive of her about pursuing it - in some ways he had been just as to blame for her leaving.

And now after realising all this - it surprised him that he found himself on a bus heading to the small town Haley was playing in - a week before he's Dad's wedding, also having lied to his girlfriend about where he was going.

* * *

Peyton did worry about her friend. Brooke kept telling her that she was fine that she was doing okay, but she had been through so much, with Lucas and the baby. And she never talked about any of it, Peyton thought she was bad for not expressing her feelings but with Brooke it was like a closed book. Peyton just figured it was because things still weren't completely back to normal between them and Brooke couldn't quite open up yet - so when Brooke said she was okay she believed her. And Peyton knew that when the time came that Brooke needed someone to talk to, she would be there.

Peyton sat on her bed and watched as Brooke fell over her feet as she moved across the room, and landed on the floor, immediately breaking out into fits of giggles.

"Peyton... I haven't laughed like this..." Brooke paused as she thought of a time "... in such a long time"

Peyton smiled at her best friend in agreement. It had been a long time since things had been this good between them, even when they had been friends before, it was almost as if there had been something hanging over their friendship and now they were finally moving on. Brooke pulled herself up off the floor, pressing her dress down and picking her chosen earrings off Peyton's desk.

"You remember when it was you and me – no boys!"

Peyton laughed slightly "Was it ever no boys with you Brooke?"

"Good point. But you know what I mean" Peyton nodded in agreement. "So why isn't Nathan gonna be at the rehearsal dinner tonight?"

"Deb called him, he wasn't sure if he should go - but he said he really needed to so..."

"Yeah I get it. So things are good with the two of you?"

Peyton turned and looked at the side of her bed, she looked at the picture of her and Nathan that they had taken on the beach a few days ago, both smiling widely. "Things are amazing"

Brooke sat down next to her best friend and took hold of her hand "I don't think I've ever seen the two of you so happy. And I gotta say, it makes me happy to see you like this. Of all the people I know you deserve it more than anyone"

"Thanks Brooke. Its not just Nathan you know? Having you back in my life.. it means a lot."

"To me too" Brooke squeezed Peyton's hand and jumped up off the bed "So we good to go?"

Peyton nodded and jumped up off the bed, linking arms with Brooke.

It felt weird going to the rehearsal dinner without Nathan - it felt weird that Dan and Karen we're having a rehearsal dinner at all. But Peyton had seen Karen with Dan and she had to admit that she seemed happy - there seemed to be alot of it going around.

Sometimes she thought about asking Karen if she had invited Lucas - or even if he knew what was going on. But since Peyton spoke to Karen about Lucas in he's room the night he left - they hadn't spoken of him - they talked around him - but shared the same secret, that they both missed him.

When they arrived at the dinner everything was set up perfectly and Karen went into work mode organising and help tidying up - Dan had to keep reminding her it was their party - finally making her sit down with him.

As Peyton watched them she did see something special with the two of them and her mind started wandering - about first loves. That sometimes you could go back to that - she looked at everything the two of them had been through and yet her they found themselves years later back together - she couldn't actually believe that this kind of thing happened - it was usually saved for movies and books, not real life.

But it was real - and no one could question as they looked at one another that something was there between them. Undeniable.

_**Fallen three times in a row waking up with vertigo **__**but you were there to break my fall before I had to face it all**_

As the music started she watched them hold hands and walk to the dance floor - she watched Brooke practically drag Mouth onto the dance floor and she smiled to herself - part of her wished Nathan was here to share this - there was something special about the night, something in the air - it had been a beautiful hot all day and then the rain came, leaving a glistening glow to the ground and then it had gone again as quickly as it had arrived.

Peyton decided to go and get some air - as she got outside she could still here the music and the sound of laughing and talking from inside - she expected a cool breeze to hit her as she stood outside but it was still hot, she loved it when it was like this it reminded her of...

_**I won't be lost next time you see me **__**my pain will be gone baby believe me I been trying **__**but my heart keeps on breaking I won't be lost**_

She couldn't help but smile with the memory - she was finally getting out of the angry feelings she had towards Lucas, she guessed it was just part of moving on, finally being able to accept things for what they were. She heard the talking inside get louder and the music be drowned out by voices - part of her wanted to go inside and join in - but it was so beautiful where she was right now and she was enjoying just being alone.

She heard the door open behind her and she sighed - she knew it would be Brooke dragging her back inside. She laughed slightly as the footsteps getting closer and without looking round she spoke.

"Brooke! Before you even ask I am fine. Just wanted some air, and I told Nate I'd call him - besides its crazy in there and look at how beautiful it is out here..."

"I don't blame you - it is beautiful out here"

She froze. As the shock of the voice hit her. It wasn't Brooke. It wasn't what she had expected. She didn't move, almost pinching herself to see if she had fallen into some kind of daydream. She turned slowly she saw him standing there. And the first thing that hit her is how altered he was.

He's hair longer and laying across his forehead, the stubble he had left unshaved, the little effort he had put into the outfit for the evening, a white shirt unbuttoned at the top and black trousers. He hadn't planned to be here, she knew that much as she looked at him.

_**Hoping you were unaware **__**the walls inside were caving in **__**my world had come apart again**_

She didn't want to break the silence - she couldn't speak there was nothing she could say - the only feeling running through her body as she saw him again was anger.

It was resurfacing again, just at that moment when she finally felt she was letting go of it. Just seeing him standing there looking at her was bringing it all back.

He moved a step closer to her and she moved back, instinctively. She heard him sigh and look down to the ground, and back up at her with pleading eyes.

"Peyton..."

_**File me away in your heart someday - y**__**ou just be you and I'll be me okay?**_

Lucas was sure in that moment that he saw her that he would think of a million things to say, but the only word that escaped he's lips was her name - he saw the pain etched across her face with even just that one word, he could see her backing further and further away from him, almost like she was afraid to be anywhere near him. He kept praying for some kind of interruption, for someone to come flying out the door and pull her away, but no one came it was just them and there was no way of avoiding this.

He could see her getting more and more uncomfortable with silence, more angry and frustrated with him. It hurt him so much to feel so much distance between the two of them, for someone who he held so close to he's heart it was like she had already let him go and now he was intruding her life, rather than being a part of it like he was used to being. As she began to speak all Lucas could hear was the venom in her voice.

"Don't you have anything else to say?"

Lucas opened he's mouth and mumbled incoherently about nothing important – that Karen asked him to come here so he had. It wasn't what Peyton wanted to hear, the look of anger on her face only intensifying more.

"You know what. Why don't you just turn around and walk away, at least if there's one thing your good at its doing that"

He watched her make her way towards him, brushing past him, hitting into him with so much anger, part of him just knowing he had to let her walk away but another part needing to keep her here longer so he could talk to her. He couldn't help it, he instinctively grabbed her arm not wanting her to go - she pulled it away viciously and pushed him away.

"DON'T TOUCH ME"

The outburst surprised and shocked him as held he's hands up backing away from her again. "I'm sorry"

"What are you sorry for Lucas? Or is a take your pick kinda thing?"

Lucas nodded slightly, looking down at he's feet "I deserve that - I deserve this reaction"

"You deserve alot worse than this"

Peyton squinted her eyes looking at him closely - she was shocked at how he was, emotionless no expression almost like he didn't care about what he had done. How much pain he had caused to her, he's Mum, Brooke. It only made her even more angry.

"What happened to you? I never would have thought that this is who you would be. You just don't give a shit do you? When did you lose who you are?"

Lucas saw what she was trying to do - even in her anger she was still trying to reach out to him, try and find something inside of him that wasn't there anymore. And he didn't want her too, he couldn't let her, he knew he would find it too easy to just let her back in and he wouldn't let that happen, not now, not now she was finally happy.

"This is who I've always been. Maybe your just realising you don't like what you see"

Peyton scoffed "Oh I realised that a long time ago. Like when you turned your back on me! When you walked out of my life without even so much as any kind of explanation"

"Its always about you isn't Peyton? I walked out of YOUR life. I made YOU angry. What about MY life? Did it ever occur to you that I was just sick of it all? Sick of being here"

Peyton shook her head in disbelief. She looked closely at he's face again - trying to look into he's eyes to see anything there, any kind of feeling behind them. But he just looked away, not even able to keep eye contact with her, she shook her head, defeated.

"You remember that day I asked you if you were trying to make me hate you?"

She watched him shift slightly backwards - she almost saw some kind of shame in he's face as he remembered what he had said, the first sign of any emotion from him. And she moved closer to him, as he still looked down at the ground the two of them now inches apart.

"Congratulations. Cos you got what you wanted. You got what wanted"

Lucas didn't move from where he was standing - he didn't look up to watch her as she walked away - he remained still staring at the ground. That had been what he was trying to achieve - for her to be able to let him go, and now she had. The thing he hadn't prepared himself for was how he would feel, that he would have to hear those words. He heard the door slam in the distance, snapping him back to reality, he looked up and started to make his way back to the building slowly. He wished he could have walked away from there but he knew he couldn't keep running forever, and he wanted to be here for his Mum. He knew she needed him.

_**There's nothing I could say to make you try to feel okay **__**and nothing you could do to stop me feeling the way I do **__**and if the chance should happen that I never see you again - **__**just remember that I'll always love you**_

Peyton made her way back inside she could hear an excited chatter from the room as she turned she saw Brooke and Mouth talking to Keith - Brooke waved at Peyton and saw her face and knew instantly what was wrong. She knew instantly who else was here. She smiled at Keith just about to leave the conversation when Keith caught sight of Peyton and was already on he's way to talk to her, practically running and meeting her in for a hug when he got there

"Peyton. Hey"

"Hey Keith. Its good to see you."

She pulled away and smiled at him. She was happy to see him, and she tried as Mouth and Brooke joined them, to make conversation - she tried to catch Karen's attention as she danced with Dan, she was laughing and smiling. Peyton couldn't help but feel like everything was suddenly going to change from being the perfect evening to a complete nightmare.

She finally pulled away from the conversation and managed to find Karen alone - but as she reached her it was too late, she had already seen Keith - Peyton saw Karen's expression match hers as it had been when she saw Lucas.

Peyton went to speak but Karen was already half way across the room towards Keith, she watched Karen hug Keith tightly, he seemed surprised by the action, almost as if he had expected her to be mad.

"Is this real? Are you really here?"

Keith laughed and nodded he's head "I'm here. And Lucas too"

Lucas walked through the door and Karen saw him instantly, and she ran to him instantly hugging him and smiling - Lucas faked her a smile, soon Mouth was over there too, he was surrounded by people talking to him and asking him questions - but he's eyes only focused on one thing. All he saw was Peyton looking at him - still with the same hatred she had displayed outside, she was shaking her head slightly, obviously disgusted that he was receiving such a welcome back, a welcome that he didn't deserve. But he still couldn't look away from her, and for some reason neither could she. It was almost like they had been frozen in that moment - he didn't want this reaction to he's arrival and she knew he didn't deserve it. But it didn't matter what they could have said or done - even if they shared nothing else, they at least both shared that same feeling.

_**I'd be a better person on the other side I'm sure - **__**you'd find a way to help yourself and find another door - **__**to shrug off minor incidents and make us both feel proud - **__**I just wish I could be there to see you through**_

* * *

Nathan sighed as he settled himself down in a booth at the restaurant - it was the first place he had seen when he came into the town that Haley was playing in this week, he called her and she was on her way to meet him.

The truth was half of him had no idea why he was here, and especially why he had lied about coming here. But the truth was ever since he had read that letter he couldn't help but think about the way he had treated Haley and he was ashamed, he knew it was the anger fuelling him to say and do the things he had done. But what he had forgotten that Haley was dealing with what she had done as well, she was living with her regrets, but somewhere along the lines he had become so selfish so caught up in he's own feelings.

The only person able to make him break free from that was Peyton. So in some way it was because of Peyton and how she had helped him that he was here - he didn't want to carry around those feelings of regret for what he had done, he hoped that by doing this, that by being here he would be able to move on from that. And also help Haley to as well, he didn't want her to be living with regrets about him - especially not with what happened the last time they saw each other because alot of it had been about him and not her.

When she arrived she saw him instantly and waved, she looked different alot more grown up than the last time he had seen her, and she looked happy, he moved out of the booth not really too sure how to greet her - but Haley solved that by throwing her arms around him and hugging him.

"Its so great to see you"

"You too. You look great"

Nathan smiled slightly watching her as she called over the waitress and ordered a coffee, she had such an air of confidence about her - she had never been like this before, she was still Haley but she had something extra about her now, like she was realising just how special she was, she turned and smiled at Nathan almost waiting for him to speak.

"So. You called and I'm here. Whats up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the letter"

"Listen Nathan..."

"Thank you for what you said in that letter about me and you. A part of me had forgotten that it wasn't always bad you know, you and me, you helped remind me of that"

He watched her move awkwardly in her chair leaning backwards slightly leaning into her seat. He could see that she hadn't expected this. That when she wrote that letter, it was more for herself than anything.

"And I wanted to apologise. When you came back - I was just starting to deal with the fact that you were gone. And it felt like everything I had done to make myself be okay with you not being there meant nothing - because it was all just a waste of time. And it made me so mad at you - like you could just come and go whenever you felt like it - not caring if you were hurting anyone. I was an idiot, and I was selfish, cos I know that you would never be like that, cos you don't have it in you to be like that"

"I don't think I prepared myself for how angry you were gonna be. It wasn't like I expected to be able to just come walking back into your life, in someways I was stupid too I thought that nothing would have changed. I was naive in that sense"

Nathan nodded as Haley took a sip of her coffee.

"Somewhere along the line - we both just stopped listening, I know I did that night you told me you wanted to leave"

"Well I didn't handle it the best way did I?"

Nathan smiled understanding what she meant. The truth was neither of them had handled it very well, they both had their faults and both played their parts in the breakdown of their relationship. Nathan sighed as he thought of what he wanted to say next.

"Do you know about me and Peyton?"

Haley nodded looking down into her cup "Yeah. I found out the day before I left. I saw you kissing her in the hallway at school"

"I didn't know that"

"Its the reason I wrote the letter. I tried talking to Peyton a few times while I was there - and she was so angry with me, I could never really figure out why until then. I realised that she had seen you go through so much and she was clearly going through the same thing with Lucas. You found something special, even I could see that."

"Did you know Lucas left the same day you did?"

Haley nodded "It hit Peyton pretty hard"

Haley sighed heavily "It hit him pretty hard too. He was with me that day I saw the two of you. He saw the same thing I saw in the two of you and I guess it was just too hard for him"

Hard for him? He had spent so much time being an ass to Peyton. What right did he have to feel like that. "He bought a lot of it on himself you know?"

"Did he? Maybe he just fell in love. Because thats the thing isn't it? You can't help if you love with someone. Like the fact that you couldn't help how you once used to feel about me, how Peyton felt about Lucas, how the two of you feel about one another now. Just the same as Lucas can't. You were once where he is now Nathan, you know what its like to want something, to miss someone - and to be so far away from someone not only in miles but in every single way"

Nathan sighed "Haley there is a difference, you left because you had something to go after something that you wanted, so right now I can forgive you for that because I know how much you cared about it - its why I can sit here opposite you and talk to you and not be angry anymore. But the difference with Lucas is - he ran away - he didn't have a reason for going, all he did it for was because he was too weak, too afraid, and now even if he did come back the only thing he'll get from Peyton now is hate. The only thing he'll get from me is hate"

"You really hate him?"

"For what he did to Peyton? Yeah I do"

"Its sad that you have to hate through her"

"Like she hated you for what you did to me?"

Haley nodded and looked directly at him. Nathan could see the pain in her eyes as he spoke about Lucas in such a way, but all he could do was be honest and that was how he felt "But he is your brother - and whether you like it or not you can't change that. And it means something"

"Thats the thing." Nathan shook his head "I'm not sure that it does anymore"

"I have a request. Seeing as who knows after this, if we'll see each other again for a while. Call Lucas - ask him how he is. Ask him anything. And if when he speaks you don't care about anything he says - then let it go. But if you do find that you care how your brother is coping, then maybe you know the two of can find a way to still be that. Will you do that for me?"

Nathan nodded "Its gonna be harder to say goodbye than I realised"

Haley smiled "Its not goodbye. Just I'll see you around"

"I wanted to give you back the thing you gave me in the letter. It means too much for it just be another thing left lingering"

Nathan put he's hand in he's pocket and pulled out the bracelet and held her hand, placing it on her wrist.

"Don't say I never gave you anything"

_**You always were the one to make us stand out in a crowd - **__**though every once upon a while your head was in the cloud - **__**there's nothing you could never do to ever let me down **__**and remember that I'll always love you**_

****

* * *

**_Songs -_**

**_Natalie Imbruglia - I Won't Be Lost_**

**_Badly Drawn Boy - File Me Away_**


	17. Chapter 17

* * *

The rest of the evening hadn't been as bad as Peyton expected it to be - everyone seemed happy at Lucas and Keith's return, especially Karen. The only other person who seemed bothered by their appearance was Dan - that was something Peyton never thought she would be able to admit to - actually having something in common with Dan Scott. 

She had watched him awkwardly watch Keith and Karen talking - almost waiting to go over and make he's presence known. She saw Lucas sit down with Skills and Mouth and start talking and laughing pretty soon after the cheerleaders had joined them and it was just like nothing had ever happened - like he was never gone.

She could only watch getting angrier and angrier at him - she felt like screaming from across the room. All she wanted was answers to the hundreds of questions running through her mind. Was that too much? Brooke had tried to talk to her about what had been said between them, what he had said, but Peyton couldn't speak she didn't want to. Eventually she made her excuses to leave and flew out the door shocked by the rain hitting her face - but she didn't care she just had to get out of there, she didn't even want to go home she just couldn't watch him sitting there like nothing had even happened.

She thought of calling Nathan a few times - but always stopped herself - not knowing what it is that she wanted to say to him. She couldn't help it but Lucas completely consumed her thoughts - so many things she wanted to know but at the same time the rage fighting against it.

But still they crept back in the questions wouldn't leave until they were answered. Why had he left? Why didn't he say goodbye? What was in the letter - the letter she couldn't even find? Was it because of her and Nathan? Was it because of her?

She hated that he had this power over her - always able to take her thoughts back to him and the more she pushed them away - the more they crept up to the surface again.

The rain started to fall harder as she made her way back to her house - she just wanted to get there now - and not think anymore tonight, to forget everything that had happened - she could focus on it all tomorrow - but as soon as she thought those words she knew she had jinxed herself and as she turned the corner she saw him standing there outside her door in the rain.

She waited for him to say something, anything at all - but he just watched her. Why did he come here if he had nothing to say? She made her way towards her door - brushing past him again, he grabbed her arm again and pulled her in front of him.

"GET THE HELL OFF ME LUCAS"

Lucas let go again "I just wanna talk to you"

"THEN TALK LUCAS"

Lucas opened he's mouth to speak, but as he looked up to meet Peyton's eyes, the words that he had prepared fell out of he's mind.

"SEE? THAT right there is why I am just not interested cos you don't even have anything to say"

Lucas sighed heavily, and wiped the rain off his face, the rain that was still falling heavily "I'm sorry for the way I left Peyton, really I am - I didn't do it to make you this pissed at me."

"Then why did you do it? I don't understand - fine if you had to leave, but why leave that way? Why just walk out with no goodbyes or explanation."

He watched her face carefully - still so full of anger as he had seen in her eyes before, but also something else behind it - a sort of concern as to why he had done what he had - and all he wanted to do was tell her the words were right there to say everything he was feeling - but he knew he couldn't do it - because he knew those words would cause more pain to her.

_**This is the land of a thousand words but it seems so few are worth the breath to say - except I'll be looking after my own world and you just keep on saving the day - I'll try to stay but it's in vain when you're far - I'm on the run to wherever you are**_

"Because its what I do alright? I screwed up! You know me - its what I'm best at"

"NO" Peyton pushed him angrily, pushing him with all the strength she had "Not good enough Lucas - you think we haven't all screwed up? God - we all make mistakes and do things we regret, but we don't all go running off when things get a little too hard for us to face - we stay and fight and try and get through it"

Lucas shook he's head "I'm not like you Peyton - and I couldn't be like that not with this. I thought that - I thought that the letter would be enough for you - enough of an explanation..."

"I didn't wanna read it in a god damn letter - I wanted to here it from you - why wouldn't you tell me why you had to leave? I thought that we were getting things sorted - I thought we were friends"

"We are - it was just too hard to say" Lucas sighed again moving slightly closer to Peyton "Did you read that letter?"

Peyton shook her head slowly and turned away from him, she was angry with him that he had just used a letter as a goodbye, but even more angry with herself that she had lost it "I didn't read the letter - I lost it. So I'm sorry I didn't get to read whatever pathetic excuse it was that you were gonna give me for leaving"

"It wasn't an excuse and you would know that if you had read it"

"Don't you dare talk to me like that. Like_ I_ did something wrong"

Peyton watches him - the guilt for he's words is obvious - she is suddenly aware of their surroundings - its raining heavier than before and they are both soaked through – again she tries to make her way past him, but she is stopped again.

"Please Peyton. I want to explain"

"Fine! Explain! Why did you leave? What was so bad? If it was me or something I did you could have told me"

He can see the longing in her eyes for some kind of explanation from him - and again he can't find the words to tell her the truth - and knowing she never read the letter makes it easier to cover up he's feelings.

"No. It wasn't you. It was me. I just couldn't be here - it was too hard Peyton. I needed to be away from it all"

Peyton could see the tears forming in he's eyes - she had never seen him this way and she suddenly felt angry at herself now for reacting how she had, how was it he could do that? She wanted to be mad at him, but he seemed to have a way of bringing her round.

"Looking back it was stupid - but I was weak and it was just me being scared"

Peyton felt even worse as he carried on speaking, why hadn't she seen this? Why hadn't she seen that Lucas was suffering like this?

"I should have been a better friend"

Lucas immediately moved closer to her "NO... none of this was your fault okay? Don't even put any of it on you, you have every right to be mad at me and hate me and want to yell at me. I deserve all of it"

_**And that's the nature of the chase - you fall so far behind you end in first place - pass the torch this time we're running to each's own regret - there's no harm in playing hard to get - boundlessness deceives me you may turn the corner yet**_

* * *

As Nathan started he's journey back to Tree Hill - he felt so relieved to have the weight of all the regrets about Haley off of him. He hadn't realised how long he had been holding onto them - and he hoped that Haley would be able to.

The one thing he hated was how Haley was always right - because now he couldn't help but worry about Lucas. He knew he was acting like a jackass with all he had put people through just leaving like that - but he was still he's brother and that meant something, and it wasn't like when they first met, they had both changed and at some point realised they did want to be in each others lives. Somewhere along the line that had got lost - Nathan assumed they would eventually find their way back somehow - but with everything that had happened it was making it seem less likely.

He did know one thing and that was if Lucas was going through something and felt that bad that he had to leave Tree Hill then it meant that he was going through it alone - and that he wasn't being a very good brother letting him.

Even though there were a million voices in he's head screaming not to call Lucas - for some reason all he could hear was Haley's telling him to.

* * *

Lucas sat down in Peyton's kitchen - clutching onto the coffee she had just made, she made her way back in the room handing him a towel and sitting down opposite him. Peyton picked up her own cup of coffee and watched as Lucas sipped his slowly, watching him staring blankly down into he's cup. She tried to search he's face for some kind of reason, he still hadn't given her a proper reason for why he left, and it bothered her. She knew there was something he wasn't saying.

"Was it Brooke? Is she the reason you left"

He didn't look away from his drink, still staring into it, his expression changed slightly as if he was almost confused by the question. He nodded his head slowly.

"I thought maybe it would have been. I know it really hurt you. You could have told me you know. I would have been there for you"

"I know. But I just needed some time, I needed to find my own way of dealing. Peyton... do you think... are you and me okay? I mean I know your still mad at me... I can see it your eyes but I really wanna make it right Peyton"

Peyton sighed heavily. This is what she hated about Lucas. This is what she hated about the power he seemed to have over her. She wanted to be angry still, she wanted to be able to hate him and tell him to get the hell out for even asking the question, but she just couldn't.

"Just be honest with me okay? You of all people know how I feel when people just leave and walk out of my life and the fact that you did that... I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. And you need to think about everyone else too - Your mum? And Brooke? Did you even think how they were gonna feel?"

Lucas shook his head "I was being selfish"

"While hurting other people"

Peyton felt Lucas' hand rest over hers but she pulled it away. She couldn't do that, not now. She knew she wouldn't be able to stay angry with him that inevitably she would let him back into her life just like she always did.

"You can't even bare me touching you"

For the first time Lucas looked up from his drink, straight into Peyton's eyes. And she could see the fear behind them, the fear that he was losing Peyton. He stood up quickly from he's chair, mumbling something about having to go. Peyton heard the kitchen door open.

"I missed you Peyton"

She wished that with those words all could be forgiven - but she knew they couldn't be - but they did mean something more than perhaps he knew - she did know that she didn't want him leaving thinking that there was no hope of them being friends - because she had missed him too - and she knew thats what moved her off her seat and out of the kitchen door out into the hall and opening her front door and running out into the rain.

And suddenly like those months before, there he was again - she recognised him more now - the Lucas Scott she knew - the one making her dare to be adventurous by running out into the rain - and this time she did without hesitation.

"I did miss you"

* * *

Songs 

Scissor Sisters - Land Of A Thousand Words


	18. Chapter 18

Brooke hadn't thought about Lucas coming back - because she just hadn't expected him to.

She thought that moment when she saw him at Keith's it would be the last time.

But having him back in Tree Hill made everything different.

Stupidly a part of her thought maybe he would come and see her to say something about the last time they saw each other, she didn't know why she was surprised that he still hadn't.

At the dinner last night after Peyton had left, she shortly saw Lucas follow Peyton and she knew that he was going after her to talk to her.

She wondered if Peyton was even aware of the fact that Lucas was in love with her - if she was, was she just ignoring it? The same way he had ignored Peyton's feelings for him. Was she really that oblivious to his obvious feelings towards her?

If Brooke could admit that she could see it just by looking at Lucas, then surely Peyton could see it to. Had Peyton really been so naive to not be able to see those feelings? Brooke couldn't help but feel a sense of relief. Her main worry now was the concern for her Peyton, not the constant fear that Lucas would leave her. She saw now how stupid she had been back then, how stupid she had been to hold onto someone that could never really give her all of themselves, and how because of that she had never been able to do the same back. What had her and Lucas been? She knew what he had meant to her, but she could never figure out if it had meant the same to Lucas, she wondered now if she would ever really know.

Lucas had always been so much of the focus of her life - she realised that she depended on him alot when really she hadn't needed to, she could take care of herself, she didn't need validation of being with someone to make her feel good.

The anger that she had for him now came from a place purely out of protection for her friend. She hated the hold he seemed to have over Peyton, that he could completely change her mood all of a sudden. Part of her was even angry at Peyton for letting him do that to her.

She turned and looked at her friend who was gazing out the window onto the quad.

"Nathan's back today right?"

Peyton smiled brightly as she turned to face Brooke "Yeah he called me this morning. I can't wait for him to get back. I missed him like crazy"

Brooke was happy to hear Peyton talk about Nathan like that. Happy that Lucas reapparance hadn't changed her feelings for her and Nathan.

"Did you tell him about Lucas?"

Peyton fell silent and turned her gaze back to the quad. Brooke knew that her silence meant everything.

"Peyton... did Lucas come and see you last night?" Brooke hesitated slightly "I mean you don't have to tell me.. I just wondered..."

"Its complicated. You know how angry I was when he left..."

"I also know how badly you wanted an explanation"

"Well I certainly got that"

"He told you why he left then?"

Brooke could see the hesitance in Peyton, like she was about to say something but stopped herself before the words fell out of her mouth.

"It was more about him than anything else Brooke. He said that he needed some time, that he was sorry for the way he left but it seemed like the right thing to do"

Brooke shook her head. Again she could feel the anger at him rising up again. Why was he so capable of doing that? Being able to twist anything round, never really being honest.

"Did he say anything else?"

Peyton sighed heavily "He kinda said that it was about... about you and him..."

"What? Oh my god he is so full of shit"

Brooke laughed bitterly as Peyton looked at her questioning where her sudden outburst had come from "I'm serious Peyton - he did NOT leave because of me - and he's poor broken heart over me. And really Peyton I think you know that unless you are really in denial here"

"Whats that supposed to mean?"

"Peyton! When did you get so naive? Its pretty obvious the reason he left. And it was about his broken heart, but certainly not over me"

"No Brooke, I get what your suggesting, but I asked him alright? I asked him straight out if it had anything to do with me and he said no"

"And you actually believed him? Tell me Peyton when has Lucas ever been honest with you?"

Brooke felt even more angry at Peyton now, angry that she could have been foolish enough to believe that she was part of the reason Lucas decided to leave, it was almost laughable. The bell rang and Brooke grabbed her books off the table and exited the room quickly. She didn't want to fight with Peyton but she couldn't stand it. Her being so blind to the truth. She moved quickly through the corridors just wanting to throw her books into her locker and then go home. As she approached her locker she saw Lucas standing in front of it with his arms folded. This really was not a good time for her to be seeing him.

"What do you want?"

"Brooke... why are you so mad at me?"

Brooke laughed bitterly "Oh I don't know Lucas! How about the fact that YOU LEFT! Peyton needed you, your Mum... and I... and you've come back and everyone accepts it like you never left, and you feed Peyton some story about why you left..."

"I didn't tell her a story she asked if it was about..."

"Me? And what you thought I know things aren't complicated enough, lets make up another lie"

"Thats not how it was I just... I didn't come back to drag up anything with me and Peyton - I came back for my Mum."

"You know what I think you should do? Go to your Mum's wedding and then do everyone a favour and then leave again - cos I swear Lucas if you have come back to cause more confusion to Peyton then you will regret it, that girl has had enough in her life, and now she finally has someone who is good enough for her - treats her right..."

"I just told you thats not why I'm here..."

"Yeah, but I know you - you can't help yourself when it comes to being selfish"

Brooke pushed past Lucas and he watched her walk out the door.

He doesn't know when it happened but he realised that him and Brooke were miles apart and in such a short space of time - he figured that sometimes too much can go on between two people and sometimes you just can't recover from it, no matter if you try.

But yet he always could with Peyton - and thats what killed him more than anything, it would be easier if Peyton had not wanted an explanation if she just kept shutting the door on him - but as they both learned many times with the two of them - not being in each others lives seemed impossible.

He made he's way outside the school and sat down on a bench - he pulled he's book from he's bag and tried to focus he's attention on a fictional world where all the drama was solved and written for him.

"So. Are we good? After last night, I mean - what you said about us being friends. I'd really like that. I don't me and you can ever not be friends you know?"

Lucas looked up to see Peyton staring down at him. Part of him wondered if this was all some kind of dream, was he actually hearing those words from Peyton's mouth?

"I'd really like that Peyton"

_Back and forth that voice of yours keeps me up at night help me search to find the words that eat you up inside I go side to side like the wildest tides in your hurricane and I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain_

"It can't be like it was before though. I mean if you want us to be friends, then you have to be honest with me okay?"

"I know I do and I will"

But he had already broken that promise by telling her the reason he had left was Brooke. It was just easier for her to believe that. The last thing he wanted was to have to tell Peyton the real reason. He had meant it when he said he had come back for the wedding. That was his main reason. Even if a small part of him had come back for Peyton he would never say it, never let her know that.

"I saw Brooke yelling at you.. I'm sorry she kinda asked about what happened and I told her why you said you left..."

Lucas shook his head "Its okay. I think I finally understand where me and Brooke stand"

"She's just angry, I think with me too..."

"Its not you Peyton. Its me. She hates the fact that I can come back into your life and you can be so forgiving so quickly. She's not mad at you, she's looking out for you"

Peyton nodded slightly "Its just. I've spent a lot of my life being angry and bitter at everyone and I just I wanna let all of that go Lucas. I mean I could hold onto this and be angry with you but what would it achieve? We all make mistakes. God knows I have"

"It means a lot to me. That you still want me in your life after what I did. I haven't treated you or a lot of people all that well and I really want to try and make things right"

Lucas smiled as Peyton stood up and said her goodbyes. He knew one thing, he had Peyton back in his life. And he saw a happiness in her that he knew Nathan had bought her. That meant a lot to him, that she was happy. No matter how hard it may have been to watch her be happy with someone else, no matter how much that hurt him, for once in his life he was going to try and do the right thing and be happy for his friend.

* * *

Nathan wished alot of things that day - he wished that he had been honest with Peyton about where he had been going, he wished he had left earlier so he could be back to see her sooner - and he wished that instead of going straight to school - he had gone to he's house.

Because if he had done that he wouldn't have seen Peyton sitting with Lucas.

He felt an anger rising in him. One that he knew was completely unjustified. He had just spent the last two days lying to Peyton every time she called. He didn't have a right to be angry with her about this. He watched them talk for a few minutes before the anger that was growing made him drive away. This was Nathan's biggest fear. He wanted to try and be a more secure person, he wanted to be able to sort things out with Lucas, but that fear, the one that always made him worry Peyton would again choose Lucas over him overwhelmed Nathan, and made it impossible to let any of it go.

_It's my turn this solo burn so throw me in the fire - trophies earned and lessons learned, my wicked little lies_

Peyton opened her bedroom door and threw her bag down on the floor turning her light on and being scared to death when she saw Nathan standing in her room. But then the happiness she felt on seeing him kicked in - she ran towards him and flung her arms around he's shoulders.

His body was unresponsive and she pulled back "Why didn't you call and tell me you were back?"

"Why didn't you tell me Lucas was back?"

Peyton moved away from him, she could hear the anger in his voice. She had wanted to tell him, she didn't even know why she hadn't. There had been no reason for her to not. It wasn't like it was some kind of secret.

"He only got back the night of Karen and Dan's rehearsal dinner, and you were with your Mum and I didn't.."

"Didn't what? You should have told me"

"I didn't know what to say. I know its stupid I don't know why I didn't tell you, but I didn't want you to get angry"

"Unlike you who just welcomed him back with open arms? I saw the two of you talking at school today. Looked pretty close for someone who you have been so angry at Peyton"

"Look, I was angry when he came back, of course I was. Its not like I welcomed him back straight away, but we talked about why he left and..."

"Do you even hear yourself Peyton? He comes back mutters a few excuses and suddenly thats it? All is forgiven, for everything he made you feel..." Peyton stepped back as she heard Nathan's voice grow louder with every word he spoke.

"It wasn't about me why he left"

"OF COURSE IT WAS"

"He told me it was about Brooke..."

"OH WELL THEN IT MUST BE TRUE" Nathan shook his head "Because we all know Lucas Scott is so good at being honest with you"

"That is not fair. I know he's done some wrong things Nathan - but haven't we all? Its not like I just forgave him with no explanation. What would you do if Haley came back to Tree Hill tomorrow would you just ignore her?"

"Thats not the point"

"Its exactly the point. She was important to you and Lucas is important to me and he should be to you"

Nathan realised as he looked into her eyes that he had no right to be mad. He hadn't even been honest with Peyton about so many things that happened with him and Haley - as far as she knew he had been to see he's Mum, and as far as she knew it had only been her for so many months now - he never told her about he's night with Haley when he saw Lucas kissing her - so now for him to turn around and be mad at this - he couldn't. And he was causing Peyton pain by just saying all these things, he could see it in her eyes.

But he couldn't help but feel jealous - he hated that Lucas had so much control over Peyton - that she needed him in her life so much.

"I was there the first time round with you and Lucas and you can say it wasn't but we both know one of the reasons we broke up were your feelings for him..."

"I broke up with you cos you were being a jackass. Kinda like now"

"I know that too" Nathan sighed exasperated "My point is I saw what he meant to you then - and I can still see it now - and I don't this to be history repeating itself. Because I was so mad at you back then for making me feel that way and it terrifies me to think that I might lose you again"

Peyton stepped closer to Nathan "The thing is Nathan, we aren't those people anymore and I can't say that I don't care about Lucas, because I do" She was now standing directly in front of him, and Nathan felt her hands lightly rest on his chest "But I love you so much Nathan, this what we have now is nothing like what we had back then, its so much more than that. You know that"

"He's in love with you Peyton"

"Even if he is. It doesn't change anything - because _you_ are who I want. And you have to believe that"

Nathan rested his hands against Peyton's wrapping his fingers around hers "I do - its just when I saw the two of you together..."

"Its okay and I'm sorry I didn't tell you on the phone earlier..."

Nathan shook his head "You don't have to apologise"

He looked at her as she smiled sweetly at him, and the guilt was starting to set in. The thing is he had no idea why he couldn't tell her the truth who had really been to see - he knew that she would be okay if he had just told her from the start and why he wanted to see her, but now there had been so many lies - he just didn't know where to start.

And she didn't need to know about that night with Haley - Nathan and her weren't officially together then - and it would only cause her more pain if she knew - he sighed slightly and looked down at he's feet - suddenly not knowing what to say, he suddenly felt a hand on he's face and then it moving round to the back of he's neck, stroking the hair at the back of he's head.

"I missed you"

He pulled her body close to he's and wrapped his arms around her body, moving his hand slowly up her back to grip into her hair, pulling her as closely to him as he could.

"God I missed you"

He leaned he's head against her neck smelling her hair - breathing her in. She pulled away and looked up into he's eyes.

"How was your Mum?"

* * *

Song

Foo Fighters - What If I Do


	19. Chapter 19

Brooke sat and watched as people filled into TRIC - she sipped her drink slowly wanting to drink the whole thing down in one go - but her judgement told her not too - something that unlike usual, wasn't letting her down. She hadn't really spoken to Peyton much about Lucas since that day - she just wanted to move on from it - move on from Lucas - because with all the things she was going through with the baby when he left, she hadn't really had a chance to take it all in or think about any of it. And the truth was she did miss him at times - she watched Mouth and Skills talking to him, she watched him smile with that silent confidence he has - and she felt bitter that he could stand there and laugh and be surrounded by friends and yet again she found herself alone.

It wasn't that she wanted him back it was just she wanted some kind of closure on it - but every time she saw him or spoke to him she felt so angry and she knew until that passed there was nothing that could be done about her feelings - she had to just try and move on, just like Peyton was.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and jumped - in her day dream she had missed Mouth sitting down next to her.

"Are things that bad?" Mouth pointed to the drink in her hands and sat down beside her, she knew he was only looking out for her but sometimes she wished he'd just leave her alone.

"Its my first and only one Mouth" she sighed heavily and drank the last of her drink.

"So are you ever gonna talk to me about whats going on up there?"

"I'm fine Mouth, honestly - I'm okay. Its just, you know adjusting - so much has happened and its been so crazy and... its finding a way through it you know?"

Mouth nodded understandingly in that way he did, that told her he understood, but she knew he didn't, not really. She appreciated it regardless.

"I know it must be hard that he's back - I guess when he left it must have been a slight relief for you..."

"Relief isn't the word I'd use. I guess I kinda expected it. Has he told you why he left?"

Mouth sighed heavily "You know Lucas - he doesn't really tell anyone that stuff..."

Brooke laughed bitterly "Oh I know that all too well. But your wrong you know. There is one person he tells all that stuff too"

"Yeah? Who?"

Brooke looked over at Lucas, he caught her eye for an instant - he smiled softly at her, she guessed he was hoping for some kind of peace between them and she laughed slightly as she saw Peyton walk in hand in hand with Nathan. Brooke turned to Mouth and then pointed at Peyton.

"Thats who"

As soon as Lucas saw Peyton walk into TRIC he stopped dead, she took he's breathe away every time he saw her, and as he watched her smile and hold onto Nathan - he felt he's heart hurt with each touch and gesture and smile she gave him. He pushed it aside as he saw her happy and realised that he needed to see this that he needed to see her happy even if it wasn't with him, he wanted that more than anything.

He couldn't lie to himself, every now and then as he watched them throughout the evening that he felt jealous of not being able to be that close to her, every now and then he imagined it was his hand she was holding onto, his face she softly brushed her fingers against – but he was snapped out of those daydreams by someone talking to him, someone commenting on Nathan and Peyton, making him feel like an outsider looking in to something he could never have.

_**And if I only could I'd make a deal with God and I'd get him to swap our places, Be running up that road - be running up that hill - be running up that building**_

He tried to focus as Skills began to speak to him - but he was too lost in he's thoughts. He wondered if Nathan knew just how lucky he was to have her - because as he watched him he noticed he seemed uncomfortable - like he was smiling and holding her hand and talking to people - but not here in the room - like he's mind had gone somewhere else. He knew his brother, he knew when there was something bothering him, and even though they weren't exactly friends right now, he couldn't help but feel a brotherly concern for him. He suddenly came crashing back to reality when Skills hit he's arm.

"Your cell Luke"

Lucas' face must have been one of confusing as Skills pointed to his jacket pocket

"Your cell phone - its ringing"

He pulled his phone quickly from his pocket, gesturing to Skills that he was moving away. He looked down at the screen, he saw Haley's name as the screen lit up and he couldn't help but smile and feel relieved. He really wanted to hear her voice, for some reason she had a feeling of normality for him.

"Hey loser. Where are you? It sounds kinda loud" Lucas was already smiling as soon as he heard her voice.

"Yeah I'm at TRIC – its Peyton's birthday party"

"What is it see how many parties you can fit a week a Tree Hill?"

"Well you know how much we all love a party. Mind you I think I'd rather be anywhere but here right now..."

"Sounds like your having so much fun"

Lucas left out a small slightly bitter laugh, one that he knew would not be lost on Haley.

"As much fun as this small talk is, I am actually calling for a reason" Lucas could hear Haley hesitate slightly "It's about Peyton. I was gonna call her you know and wish her happy birthday, but I'm not sure if I'm a popular person with her right now"

Lucas sighed heavily "I have no idea Haley, and really I don't think I'm the best person to be handing out advice, especially where Peyton is concerned"

"Actually I think you're the perfect person where Peyton is concerned"

Lucas ignored the last comment "What made you wanna call her?"

"Cos she's my friend - and I hated the way we left things. You know me I hate unresolved stuff" He heard Haley sigh sadly "And I guess after seeing Nathan the other day it made me realise that I don't wanna be holding onto anything..."

Lucas cut her off mid sentence quickly questioning her "What?"

"You know what I mean Lucas, I don't wanna carry that stuff around with me..."

"No the part about Nathan... have you seen him recently?"

"Yeah. He came to see me the other day we had some stuff to talk about, to get out into the open, just stuff that we hadn't resolved that needed to be. You know if the two of you were talking you'd know that"

Lucas was agitated, not with Haley, but with Nathan. He was sure Peyton said that Nathan had gone to see Deb "Haley, drop it just face facts me and Nathan - any kind of friendship we were gonna have is done with"

"Is Peyton there now?"

"Well it would be kinda stupid for us not to have invited her to her own birthday party"

Haley faked a laugh "Clever smart ass. Okay will you go and see if she'll talk to me"

"Haley what are you five – do it yourself. I don't wanna get involved in the middle of this too okay? If you wanna call her then do - if not don't..."

"Okay thanks Luke. We'll speak soon"

"But Haley if you do call I wouldn't mention..."

Before he can finish the sentence Lucas hears the line go dead. _Crap. _He looked up to see Peyton at the bar. Maybe he should go over there and talk to her, stop her answering her phone if Haley did call. He sighed heavily, maybe he should call Haley back.

"So - you can't even get running away right. You know when you do that your not supposed to come back"

Lucas sighed again. Nathan was standing behind him. A venom in his voice that he seemed to use especially for Lucas.

"I'm back for my Mum" Lucas didn't turn to look at him, he kept his eye's on Peyton.

"Sure you are"

Lucas wasn't quite sure what it was about the way Nathan had said that, but it irritated him in a way only Nathan could, he had away of saying very little but having so much meaning behind what was being said. And finally he pulled his gaze away and turned to face his brother.

"If you got something to say Nathan. Just say it"

"Fine. I don't know what story it was that fooled Peyton with about you being back" Nathan edged closer to Lucas, Lucas could see the anger and the jealousy fighting through "But you listen to me right now. She's happy. _We're_ happy. And if you so much as do anything to cause her any pain in any way believe me you'll wish you never showed your face again"

Lucas laughed slightly, a bitterness and a sense of mocking Nathan, just a way he knew how to piss Nathan off.

"I'm getting a sense of deja-vu. You being mad at me about Peyton"

"Its not like back then, I'm not like how I was back then and you know it"

"Do you know it? Cos you're the one standing here threatening me? You;re the one doing exactly the same thing you did back then" Lucas stepped back slightly "Look Nathan, I care about Peyton and she's my friend, I apologised to her for how I left, I had some things to get through, figure out..."

"You mean like how you're still in love with her?"

Lucas wondered if he was really that transparent. If everyone else knew. If Peyton knew. Or were they all just assuming. Was Nathan just scared of history repeating itself. Whatever it was Lucas knew he would continue covering, for as long as he saw the look of happiness of Peyton's face, he would keep up this lie. No one else needed to know.

"She's my friend. And like you said she's happy and to me thats all that matters"

Nathan nodded slightly "Good answer"

Lucas turned away from Nathan, he looked to the place where Peyton had just been standing but he couldn't see her.

"But you know whats funny Lucas? Nowhere in that sentence was "No Nathan I don't I'm not in love with her""

Lucas didn't turn back round straight away. He didn't want to go over this all again, especially not now. Especially not with Nathan. It was getting exhausting. A sudden thought rushed through his mind. The words of Haley earlier. The words of how Nathan had been to see her and Peyton it would seem was completely oblivious. Lucas turned round. Nathan was still standing looking at him, a smug look across his face.

"Its funny for someone who is so intent on _not _hurting Peyton – is lying to her"

Lucas walked slowly back towards Nathan and watched as his face changed into a look of worry and anger.

"You see I just a had a really interesting phone call with my friend Haley. And whats _really_funny is that I am pretty sure Peyton had told me you went to see Deb, and yet Haley tells me otherwise"

_**You don't want to hurt me but see how deep the bullet lies - unaware I'm tearing you asunder - there is thunder in our hearts - is there so much hate for the ones we love? Tell me we both matter don't we?**_

Before Lucas can continue, Nathan has quickly moved towards him and is pushing him against the nearest wall, grabbing at his collar.

"You dare say anything to her..."

Lucas pushes him away with a force that is entirely formed by his love for Peyton.

"I wouldn't do that. Not to her. Because it's not my place to. But Haley called me to say she wants to talk to Peyton, say happy birthday - I don't know if Haley thinks Peyton knows you went to see her - so maybe you should tell Peyton that you did - before she finds out another way - before she gets hurt. Because I'm pretty sure I heard you say something about not wanting to hurt Peyton"

Nathan watches him walk away, even though he doesn't want to admit it. He knows Lucas is right. Even though he'd love to be able to ignore everything he has just said. He knows that he can't. That he is gonna have to tell Peyton the truth. But he doesn't know where to start. Where does he begin? Because if he tells her one lie, that means he has to tell her all of them.

He looks to the bar where Peyton had been standing to find her no longer there. He knows what she can be like in these situations. Finding all of it overwhelming. He heads to the door to look outside on the steps of TRIC, where the two of them many times have sat and just talked while everyone else had stayed inside.

As he pushed the door open he could see Peyton standing at the bottom of the stairs, her back to him. He says her name quietly as soon as he sees her, almost without even realising it had left his mouth.

He moves slowly down the steps towards her, holding his breathe, trying to prepare himself for what he has to do. He place his hands on her shoulders, but the loss of the feel of her skin is quick as she moves away and he suddenly becomes afraid that he has left it too late. That the phone call has already been made, that Haley unaware had let everything slip.

"Haley called"

Her voice is quiet and shaky. Broken almost. And there is a sound to it that Nathan has heard before. A heartache behind it that he has often listened to, but it pains him more this time, knowing he has been the one to cause it.

"She wanted to wish me happy birthday. And to tell me that she's happy for the two of us. That you talked about it. That the two of you talked about a lot of things. When you went to go see her last week"

Nathan looked down weakly. She still hadn't turned to face him. She was still standing looking out across the car park, her body motionless as she spoke. He looked up and moved slightly closer to her, and almost as if she felt his movement she turned around. The only words that fell from his mouth as he saw her was her name, he knew there had to be something better to say, but it was all there was as he took in her appearance. A mixture of confusion and pain etched across her beautiful face.

"I'm trying to figure something out here - I was just wondering if you could explain to me - why you would lie to me? Because as far as I'm concerned you know - anything that happens in my life I tell you and you always told me that you wanted me to be honest, but what does that rule not apply to you? You can mad if I withhold one thing... and yet you can keep this from me?"

Nathan shook his head and moved closer to her still "Its not like that Peyton"

He could the tears falling from her eyes as he got closer, he could see the confusion turning into anger "Then can you explain to me what it_ is _like Nathan?"

"When Haley left the last time - I realised I made mistakes with how I left things between her and she left me this letter and the more I read it, the more I realised how selfish I had been - I didn't want her to have me as a regret in her life thats why I went to see her - so we could both let things go..."

"So why didn't you tell me that?"

"I don't know" Nathan didn't know. That was the truth. He had been scared. So scared of losing her. Losing the one good thing he seemed to have found through all the pain he had suffered.

"_You don't know?_ "

Nathan knew he shouldn't have said that "I didn't want you to be hurt or..."

"BUT YOU DON'T GET IT. Look at me now Nathan. _This _hurts me. It hurts me to find that you lied to me. I told you I couldn't be like that and you told me the same, it wasn't gonna be like before... and you got so mad at me about Lucas, you got so mad that I kept him being back from you..."

"Don't compare this to you and Lucas okay me and Haley were married"

"Don't you dare tell me what to do. I am _not comparing._ God forbid I could ever compare to that. This is about the lies. How you made me feel. I felt so bad for having lied to you about that, and all along you were keeping this from me"

"I wanted to tell you, when she came back, you and me it was so confusing and I thought that you wanted him - when I saw you kissing him - I saw it happening all over again and it killed me to see it..."

"What does that have to do with you going to see Haley? I told you Nathan, that night he kissed me and I let him, and it was a mistake because all I was thinking about was you"

"It has everything to do with that. Because I'm so scared Peyton. Scared that you were going to walk away just like everyone else has. Realise that there is something better out there for you, better than me. I felt it that night he kissed you, and I felt it every time I hid the lie from you"

"But I was with you Nathan - I was with you that night. We never said it I know but we both knew it. I know you felt that too"

Nathan shook his head. There was no going back from this now. And she was right. She was so right. Maybe neither of them had said it that night, but in every sense of the word they were together. Nathan's fears had stopped him from letting Peyton tell him, and instead had run back to something that was comfortable when the fear of losing Peyton because of his stupidity had overcome him.

_**How many times do I have to try to tell you that I'm sorry for the things I've done - but when I start to try to tell you that's when you have to tell me this kind of trouble's only just begun - I tell myself too many times why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut - that's why it hurts so bad to hear the words - that keep on falling from your mouth**_

"I had sex with Haley. That night - when I saw you and Lucas kissing"

He didn't break eye contact with her as he spoke the words. Her face didn't change. It was stuck on the expression before of the pain and sadness from the first lie. And as the words that had fallen from Nathan's mouth sank in, the expression from her only deepened. She stumbled backwards slightly looking around almost searching for a way to escape. Somehow not realising that she could from there anytime she wanted.

"I saw him kiss you and I got jealous and mad, then I got drunk..."

"How..." Peyton stumbled on her words as she searched for the right thing to say "How could you do that?"

"Peyton. I saw the two of you kissing"

"No Nathan. You saw _him _kiss_me_. I can't believe that you would do that - after all we went through, after being with me... I thought... is that why you would never talk to me about Haley? Why you would always close of whenever I tried to talk about her?"

"I don't know. I don't even know why I did"

"Because thats what you do to me isn't it Nathan? That's what I have always been to you. You get what you want and then you move on to whoever you feel like next, and then your back crawling to me and I let you back because I'm too pathetic to say no"

"I'm not that person anymore. And neither are you"

"Oh you're damn right I'm not that person anymore. But _you?_ I thought maybe you had changed. But yet again I was wrong"

"We weren't even together properly then P... we hadn't..."

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare say that. We may not have said it but in every sense we were together. Thats what I wanted to tell you that day before the party, I wanted to tell you that I wanted _us_ - that I wanted to be with you, and when you walked out and avoided it I figured that you didn't want that, that you were happy with how it was, so when you came to me and said you wanted the same thing - I felt _finally_ like I could be happy again - and now it was all based on a lie"

Nathan moved towards her as the tears from her eyes began to fall again, he placed his hands desperately on her face, gently moving them into her hair.

"No P, it's not its not based on a lie, when I said I love you I meant that and I still do I love you so much..."

Peyton shook her head and moved away out of his reach "Yes it is - because you kept it a secret and its been held over this relationship this entire time, and you've been getting letters and going to see her and - and you kept it all from me. And the worst thing about it is, you won't even give me a reason why"

_**I may be mad - I may be blind - I may be viciously unkind but I can still read what you're thinking and I've heard is said too many times that you'd be better off besides why can't you see this boat is sinking?**_

"I told you, I was afraid..."

"And you think I wasn't? But you know what made me less afraid?_You_"

Nathan looks at her again, he can see her standing, waiting for some kind of explanation, one that will satisfy her. But he doesn't have one. He was weak and pathetic and jealous and they aren't worthy reasons for what he did.

"I need to know why" Nathan watches as she moves towards him, her voice is desperate now, pleading with him to tell her why he did this, but still he can't find the words anything he would say wouldn't be enough. "Tell me why..." She is talking through her tears, clutching onto the front of Nathan's shirt pulling at him, yelling at him to tell her why, hitting her fists to his chest, hitting him with all the anger and force she has. He lets her do it for a while, he knows he deserves it. He deserves a lot worse. But as she slows down he holds onto her hands and pulls them together, holding onto her until she is still in his arms.

"I was weak and pathetic. And jealous of what I saw. I didn't think you wanted me. I didn't think compared to Lucas I would be enough for you. I'd been there. I'd seen your feelings for him, and I didn't think the ones you had for me stood a chance compared to that. I should have had more faith in what I knew we had. I shouldn't have been so afraid to admit all the things I was feeling"

He felt Peyton push away from his body, his arms now empty. She turned and walked away slightly. Her back facing him.

"Its not enough"

"We have been through _so _much.."

"Yeah we have and thats why it hurts so much right now to have to walk away from you..."

Nathan feels a panic rising in his chest for the first time the realitly sets in that Peyton could be walking away from him for good.

"Its not walking away from _us_ though is it? I understand if you need time, but please don't say this is it..."

Nathan doesn't cry. He hardly ever has. But he can feel the tears forming. He can hear his voice breaking. And then the feel of the tears slowly falling down his face. She turns to face him. And thats when he knows. She's one person who has seen him cry, maybe once before and this time she can feel he's pain because she is there with him - and they both know what this is, the truth of this situation and she knows he'll never accept it or say it and the only option is her saying it too him.

"I can't - I can't be with you after this - its too much..."

"Please you have to forgive me Peyton..."

She turns away again, and wraps her arms tightly around her body "Its too much"

_This is the book I never read - these are the words I never said_

"So we can get through all the shit that we got through together, but we get past this? It was a mistake..."

"I... Nathan... I can't get past this"

_This is the path I'll never tread - these are the dreams I'll dream instead_

"I won't give up on you Peyton. I won't lose you from my life not again"

Peyton turned to look at him again "Then why are you?"

_**This is the joy that's seldom spread - these are the tears the tears we shed - this is the fear - this is the dread – these are the contents of my head **_

Peyton keeps he's gaze, he won't break it - like its the last time he'll ever look at her - the last time she'll let him, he tries to think of something to say back, but he literally can't find the words to speak. He knows its going to happen soon, he knows she is seconds away from turning and walking away and he is powerless to stop it.

**_And these are the years that we have spent and this is what they represent and this is how I feel_**

****

* * *

****

_Songs_

_ Kate Bush - Running Up That Hill (Placebo version is amazing too)_

_Annie Lennox - Why? _**_  
_**


	20. Chapter 20

_**Happy New Year to everyone. Hope you all had a good Christmas/NewYear.**_

_**Thanks to everyone who is reading - special thanks to Tamarindo for your comments, they really mean a lot and I appreciate that you always take time to comment. I figured that last comment was from you.**_

_**Anyways hope you enjoy the next part.**_

_**Claire xxx**_

* * *

When Peyton walked away from Nathan, half of her was screaming not to go. Part of her wanted to stay and talk to him, to be able to get over it - but nothing came to her, no way that she could see through it - no way that she could get over the lies. So her feet lead her away from him.

Another birthday over. She hadn't been wrong about her birthdays. They always had a habit of turning out monumentally bad, and this one was no different. In fact this one beat the rest for how bad it had been.

All she could think of was how someone else had hurt her again? Was this just what happened to her? Was this just the person she would be? Had she done something to let people think thats just how you treated her, that she was easy to hurt, to get whatever it was that you needed from her and then they'd be gone. Just another person to add to her list of mistakes and regrets.

But part of her could never regret Nathan and maybe she hated that more than anything, thats what broke her heart most of all - that she knew through whatever she was going to have to do - she could never regret him, the one thing in her life that she believed would always be there. In that moment, she realised that now he wouldn't be, that when she walked away from him she walked away from everything she ever had with him, and the only thing she had left was the memories of it.

Tomorrow was the wedding - supposed to be happy day and as much as Peyton tried to be happy for Karen as much as she tried to look forward to that day - she couldn't, everyday had been planning and organising and running through the ceremony and he had stood there opposite her - she could feel him watching her trying to catch her eye, as they would leave he would try and talk to her - but she never let him. She hadn't let anyone talk to her since that night she would just go there do what was needed and then go home avoiding everyone, especially avoiding him - today as she walked away from the church he actually ran after her calling her name over and over again, but she never once looked back at him, she didn't want to feel the torture of watching his face desperately pleading with her.

_**I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears and if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave - your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone**_

Peyton now lay in her bed, all the memories of her and Nathan. The pain she felt everyday she saw him, the overwhelming feeling that this pain she felt might never fade, the dull ache that had started to grow in her stomach only grew stronger and stronger as she thought of him, until the pain pulled her from her bed, accepting that is was impossible to sleep. Why was she even bothering?

A thought passed through her mind, one that she knew was ridiculous the moment she thought it, but still it seemed to stay with her as she sat down on her chair facing the blank computer screen.

Perhaps this is what she deserved for what she had done to Brooke the first time round, she had ruined her being happy and now this was karma. Coming back to find her and shatter her heart the way Brooke's had been broken. That somehow she deserved to feel this. She wanted to believe it. Desperately. She wanted there to be some kind of reason as to why this had happened, to blame someone else, anything else. But she knew that it all fell to Nathan. He had lied. It had nothing to do with her, with what she had done.

The thought didn't comfort her. It only made the pain grow stronger and she sighed heavily, looking towards her clock it read 1am. _1am. _She looked around her room. Posters on the walls, Records filling the cupboards. Art sticking to the walls. All the things she used to find some kind of comfort and happiness in seemed empty and dull.

**_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase_**

She suddenly felt so closed in in her room, she had held herself up in her room so much that she suddenly felt claustrophobic and she had to get out. She jumped quickly out of her chair and pulled on whatever clothers she could find lying on the floor, she caught her reflection in the mirror and she moved closer to it. Her eyes looked heavy and tired. The reflection should have shocked her she supposed. But she was past that now.

She made her way so fast down the stairs and out the door - walking wherever her feet took her - she some how thought that it would help her being out of the house, but everything reminded her of him. Even when the cool breeze hit her face, it took her back to the time they had spent on the beach. Buildings she walked past reminded her of him. _Everything._

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears, when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I held your hand through all of these years - but you still have all of me_**

When Peyton's feet stopped and she looked up. She wasn't surprised by where she found herself. She pressed her hand against the black door, a small light gleaming through the curtain that covered the window. She felt for sure she could hear a soft hum of music falling out of the room. She reached down to the handle and turned it slowly, relieved to find that it was open. For some reason the thought of having to knock seemed like an impossible tasked. As she moved the door open and walked in, she turned her back on the room to shut the door.

She turned around slowly. He looked as awake and tired as she was. His blue eyes filling her with a comfort. His room filling her with comfort. He didn't look surprised. This was something he was used to. Their summer alone together had made him grow accustomed to having Peyton show up like this, his smile was warm and his eyes asked no questions as to why she was there.

_**You used to captivate me by your resonating light, now I'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me**_

Peyton opened her mouth to say something, but no words seemed to form. And for some reason, the anger that had been building inside of her over what had happened seemed to take hold. She wasn't standing in front of the brother who had broken her heart, not _this _time. But he had once. He had once had the same power over her that Nathan had now, perhaps in some ways he still did. And she hated him for that. She hated them both for that.

She looked away from him. Trying to repeat to herself that the anger she felt towards Lucas was unfounded. He wasn't Nathan. That's where the real anger lay, and she repeated it to herself over and over again. Desperately trying to believe it. She looked around the room. It wasn't as bare as it had been the last time she had been here. But it still wasn't the room she recognised as Lucas'. It was filled with boxes that had yet been unpacked. It was the room of someone who was still undecided of whether they were staying or leaving.

Again she felt angry. But this time not at Nathan. At Lucas, with genuine reason. Could he really be considering leaving after the wedding? Was he just going to walk away again like so many times before. She shouldn't have felt surprised, but she still did and the anger only grew worse as she continued to look around. Clothes spilling out a suitcase in the corner of the room.

"Are you leaving again?"

Peyton turned her head quickly to look at him, he seemed surprised by her question. She assumed she was going to speak about something else, no doubt something more relevant to what was going on. But she held his gaze, determined to get the answer she wanted from him. He didn't speak. He looked around the room, taking in what it was that she was seeing.

"You are aren't you? You're going to leave again?"

She moved a step closer to the bed where he sat so still, his laptop in his lap, his fingers still hovering over the key pad, he had obviously been typing. He moved slowly pushing the laptop from him and stood up, Peyton saw him open his mouth to speak, it looked as though it was going to be some kind of excuse or justification, just the thought of it made her angrier than before.

"Save it Lucas. Would I have got a goodbye this time? A letter again? Anything?"

Peyton's eyes were wide and she knew that he was trying to speak through her words, and as he edged closer and closer to her, it only made her stop him from speaking even more "Why are you doing this? Why would you leave again now..."

"Peyton" His voice wasn't loud. But it was firm and a slight irritation lingered behind it. His eyes finally matched hers, wide and serious.

"I'm _not _leaving again. Keith bought my stuff back yesterday"

Peyton broke the eye contact and looked around the room again. She felt her body relax as she saw what had some how been blinded by fear and anger before. There were things on the shelves, on the bookcase, small things that Lucas had unpacked already.

"I wouldn't do that to you again" His voice was sincere, but clearly hurt that Peyton believed he would.

"I'm sorry"

Lucas shook his head "You have no reason to be sorry"

An awkward silence filled the room. Peyton didn't know what to say. She wasn't even sure why she had bothered to come here if all it was to do was yell at Lucas. That wouldn't help with anything she was feeling.

"I just want you to know. I think I get why you're here" he sighed and closed the space between them further as he moved closer "Sometimes when I feel, when I feel like maybe things aren't gonna be okay, the person I think of – is you. The person I want to see, is you. So maybe thats why you're here, because you see that in me too"

Peyton knew Lucas wasn't wrong. There was a comfort in his presence that she couldn't quite explain or even begin to want to. She only nodded softly and he smiled again. The same warm smile from before. The space between them wasn't much now. And it would have been easy to have jumped into his arms and let him hold her, take the comfort he was offering. But she hesitated and it wasn't lost on Lucas, who clearly saw her questioning. He moved to his suitcase and pulled out a t-shirt and placed it on the end of his bed, before turning back to look at Peyton.

"If you don't want to sleep in your clothes"

He smiled again, understandingly and left the room, not without looking back at her once to try and read her expression. But Peyton was still lost in the moment of trying to figure out why she hadn't just stepped forward to take his offer of comfort.

"Thank you Lucas" She surprised herself with the sound, she had some how managed to find her voice again.

"Anytime"

Peyton heard the door shut and yet she still didn't move from where she stood. The music that Lucas had been listening to was still playing softly through the room, but the comfort it should have provided her was lost, and she moved quickly to the stereo to switch it off. Usually the silence would be what bothered her, but tonight she liked it. She liked that all she could hear was the sounds coming in from outside.

She stepped forward, walking into a box that sat at the end of the bed. It was filled with books, and photo albums. And a photo sitting on top of the box. Five smiling faces glaring up at her from behind the glass. She recognised one as her own. And the other four, as the people who at the time had become more important to her than anyone. She was in the middle, either side of her was Nathan and Lucas, Lucas with his arm protectively around Brooke, and Nathan his grip tight around Haley's waist. She looked at the four other faces, seeing in them something that she didn't see in her face. _A spark. _Something that said they were happy. Something behind their eyes. Something genuine. But in her face and eyes, all she saw was fake. The fake smile that she had plastered across her face, the eyes missing something, that up until recently she had found again.

She felt like she was falling, and as her knees hit the ground, she clutched the picture close to her chest. Everyone had been better off then. She pulled the picture away to look at her friends again, wishing she could remember the last time she had seen them _that _happy. Maybe it was the time this picture was taken. She looked across each of their faces. Brooke's wide smile and sparkling eyes stared back at her, her best friend no longer looked like that, there was a darkness behind those eyes that hadn't been there until now. She looked to Lucas, his eyes slightly squinted but the she saw a smile that was all too familiar to her, one that she couldn't remember the last time she had seen, he never smiled like that anymore. And then to Nathan and Haley, so caught up in one another barely even noticing anyone else was there. Haley was basically a stranger to her now, too much time left between talking to one another, too much resentment on Peyton's part held against Haley. And then to Nathan who for the first time in his life felt free from the shackles of his life that his father had held over him. He was finally breaking away and doing something for himself, he looked completely unaware of anything else around him except for what was happening in that picture. She knew that if she could see his face now it would not hold the same feelings as it did in this picture.

And all of it, for all the pain. Peyton felt like she shouldered all the responsibility. She clutched the picture back to her chest, and she could her the faint sobs and feel the tears fall down her face. She never heard the door open, or feel the presence of Lucas back in the room. The first she knew of him was when he sat by her side, pulling the picture from her grasp, placing it on the floor and pulling her into an embrace.

**_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears - when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears and I held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me_**

****

* * *

****

Nathan sighed heavily - he looked out into the dark from he's kitchen window, again he found himself unable to sleep for what felt like the hundredth time. The only thing that had ever been able to cure it was Peyton. The only thing that could cure it was gone for him now, he had ruined everything.

Any time he felt like this. He would go to her. She didn't need to speak, but she could be there with him and make everything okay. And now it was gone, and the nights seemed longer than they ever had, and the pain he carried with him for hurting her only grew stronger the more he was deprived of sleep.

He still couldn't quite believe that in a few hours everyone would be getting up and getting ready for the wedding. It seemed to have come from nowhere, but at the same time he hadn't remembered seeing he's Dad so happy, so calm and relaxed. So un-Dan like.

The past few days had been his own personal hell, which he was quite sure he deserved. All through the rehearsals Peyton had been there, but it was almost like she may as well not have been. She went through everything with a small smile on her face when people were watching. But the smile soon turned to something else when no one was looking at her. There was almost no expression, it was blank and there was no emotion, and it hurt Nathan more than anything to see her in such a way.

He had tried to speak to her everyday - he even ran down the road after her screaming her name trying to get some kind of response anything from her - even her yelling or hitting him would have been something but it was always the same nothing at all. He saw nothing in her eyes when on occasion they see each other, when she would see anyone else. She was avoiding everyone.

He placed the glass of water he been drinking down in the sink, pouring the remaining contents down the sink. He sighed defeated and decided to return to bed, the only though comforting him was getting out of the cold of the kitchen. He turned and stopped as he saw a body in the doorway, and moved into the light in the room to see who it was. It was Keith, looking as tired as he was.

"Can't sleep?"

Nathan shook his head as Keith made his way into the kitchen. Nathan watched him walk to a cupboard and pull out a glass before he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from the counter.

"You either?"

Keith smiled bitterly before sitting down on a stool in the middle of the room and poured himself a drink "Not tonight"

Keith downed the small amount of alcohol he had poured into his glass before turning to face Nathan. Nathan saw in Keith's eyes the reason to his behavior. He didn't need to ask Keith what was wrong. He thought that to everyone they would understand Keith's pain.

"We haven't had much of chance to talk since I got back" Keith pulled the stool out from beside him, welcoming Nathan to sit down.

"Yeah well its been kind of a crazy time, with the wedding and all that..."

Keith shook his head "Your just as bad as Lucas, he never says what's bothering him either. What's going on? Maybe you can shed some light for me on this whole Lucas thing?"

Nathan was entirely sure what Keith meant. _"This whole Lucas thing" _Whatever was going on with Lucas, Nathan knew one thing for sure that he would be the last person to know anything about it, he and Lucas had basically become strangers again.

Keith shrugged "He turns up on my doorstep telling me that he wants to stay with me.. I didn't question it at first cos he looked pretty beat up about something, but the more I asked all I got was that everyone in Tree Hill is better without him cos all he's done is cause people pain"

Nathan shook his head. He couldn't help but feel angry with Lucas for his self pity. Even when he left for other peoples own feelings he still seemed to make it about himself "That's pretty much right"

"Oh. See I thought maybe there was more to it than that? Maybe a certain blonde haired girl we know"

Nathan laughed bitterly "Peyton? Of course its always Lucas and Peyton"

Keith poured himself another drink "He told me about the two of you"

"Yeah I'm sure he did"

"He said that she was happy, and that he hadn't seen her that way for a while. Lucas isn't the bad person you seem to think he is Nate, he's just going through some stuff - and it seems that you are too"

Nathan sighed. He suddenly felt bad for thinking the worst of Lucas. He felt bad in general. Mostly because he knew Keith was right, Lucas wasn't the bad person he wanted to make him out to be. "We broke up.. well she broke up with and I'm not really doing that great with it... cos its my fault, I lied to her, and I did the one thing I promised her I would never do. I hurt her"

"We all make mistakes kid, sometimes people are more forgiving than we think"

Nathan shook his head "Not this. The thing is when we were together before P and I, and I was... I treated her like shit. I cheated on her and I lied and I did it so naturally I didn't even have to think about it, it was like auto pilot, I think a part of me back then even enjoyed it. I was such a jerk. But it was just what I did with Peyton, and I think about the way I treated her and it makes me feel sick, cos she didn't deserve any of it"

"So what changed? What made you not be that person anymore?"

"I did. I changed. Everyone thinks that it was Haley you know? That she made me see all the things I was doing wrong, but the truth is I already knew - I knew that I was acting like a complete ass, but I didn't care who I hurt. I remember one day watching my Dad talk to my Mum, and he spoke to her like she was nothing and it reminded me of all the times I had spoken to Peyton like that - and I watched my Mum and she said nothing she just got up and walked out the room and I heard her start crying - and that right there was when I realised that I didn't wanna be _that_ guy - I didn't wanna turn into that"

"You haven't been that person for a long time Nathan. And really, in a way it doesn't matter why you changed, all that matters is that you did"

"Did I though? I hurt her again"

"Okay, but was it intentional like before?"

"No I wanted to - I wanted to have a fresh start for the both of us – to not have the past hanging over our relationship... its just complicated..."

"Most things are" Nathan watched as Keith starred down into his drink. Nathan sighed heavily again and rubbed his eyes.

"So why are you down here at 3am not sleeping?"

Keith downed his drink again and laughed slightly "I think we both know the answer to that" Keith paused slightly and lifted up the bottle of whiskey, and then put it down again "Don't leave these things too late Nathan - you might not get a second chance to say all the things you want to say"

"Maybe you should take your own advice"

Nathan stood from the seat and headed out of the room. He looked back at Keith sitting alone in the dark kitchen. He had never really known Keith very well. It was only over the past year when as like his and Lucas' their worlds had somewhat collided, but even he could see the years of regret that filled the mans eyes. The regrets he had right now in that dark room. The regrets that he would carry with him for the rest of his life. And all Nathan knew, was that he didn't want to carry around that same feeling, living with his own regrets. He had to make sure of that.

* * *

Songs

Evanescence - My Immortal


	21. Chapter 21

**Hiya. Sorry it took me so long to get this next part up. I had like this whole part to go through and its basically all the wedding. And it's just taken ages, hence why this chapter is really long and the next part will be too. Anyways I hope you enjoy it and thanks to everyone who left comments as always they really do mean a lot. I actually have another story part written that I am thinking of posting soon. Its an LP/PC/BC/BL (C being Chris) kinda story. So if you like my writing then hopefully you might want to read that too. So yeah sorry enough of my rambling. Enjoy.**

* * *

_**  
**_

_**I've been looking so long at these pictures of you that I almost believe that they're real - I've been living so long with my pictures of you that I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel**_

Lucas didn't sleep well. All his thoughts were consumed by the girl asleep in his room. He didn't dare question why she had decided to come here the night before. But as he had sat alone after leaving her he couldn't help but let his mind wander to just that. He couldn't help but think why she had come here. Why not go to Brooke? Did she still look to Lucas for the one thing that she had before? That comfort that he provided her with, the one that he knew he felt whenever she was around. He tried not to think it. He tried not to hope that it meant more than what it was, but it was too late for that. Far too late. The thoughts had already been planted in his mind and now they couldn't disappear. His own feelings for her were blinding him to the fact of the real reason as to why she ventured to his room last night. The heartbreak. The feeling she felt as to having lost Nathan.

Yes she was there for comfort. Comfort from a friend that she knew Lucas would understand more than anyone. Because that's how they were. Its _who _they were. Even if the two of them tried to fight against the connection they shared, they would still end up in the exact same place. Something pulling them together subconsciously.

Lucas lay, still on the couch staring up at the ceiling. His eyes wide, completely lost in his train of thought. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was too early. _6am._He was getting up early anyway, he had the nagging feeling of something important happening today, and yet couldn't think of it. He closed his eyes tightly, only to open them by the sound of a crashing coming from the kitchen. He jumped up, startled to find his Mum standing near the sink, one saucepan in her hand another on the floor.

_That's _when he remembered what today was. His Mum was getting married today. No, not just his Mum. His _Dad _was too. He groaned quietly and slumped back down against the couch. Like today wasn't going to be hard enough, but added to the fact that Nathan would be there, no doubt watching Peyton closely like he had been all week. No doubt trying to talk to her. And all Lucas could do was watch and wait until the one time she finally decided to let him back in. He was in complete conflict with himself. He wanted her to be happy. Somewhere inside despite of their disagreements, he wanted Nathan to be happy. And yet he couldn't help but despair at the thought of them being together again.

He heard his Mum curse loudly in the kitchen and he let out a small laugh, before jumping up. His sudden movement only made Karen jump again, the saucepan in her hand now finding its way next to the other on the floor.

"Lucas! What are you doing? You scared the life out of me"

"I _was_sleeping. What are _you _doing? It's your wedding day and your... what..? Cook?"

"I thought I'd make us breakfast. I couldn't sleep... wait why were you on the couch?"

Lucas looked back to the blanket on the couch and then down the corridor to his bedroom door. He looked back to his Mum who was now picking up the mess from the floor, waiting expectantly for an answer.

"Peyton came over last night. And she needed a place to crash..." Lucas moved towards Karen slowly, now whispering, but talking frantically "Before you say anything Mum she was really upset and she didn't want to be alone, and she just turned up – what was I supposed to say. She was upset and I'm her friend, I've been a really bad friend recently I know, but well I am trying to do something about that and so I figure the least I could do is let her stay right? So don't be mad at me I was just trying to do the right thing, and it_ was _right thing to do, if you had seen her last night you would have done the same thing. I've never done the right thing by Peyton, I always make mistakes and screw things up, but..."

"Lucas. Breathe"

Karen laughed slightly, and it suddenly dawned on Lucas that he had been rambling on letting every thought that came into his mind out of his mouth. Karen motioned for him to sit down and he did. He looked across the table at his Mum, who now more than anything looked worried.

"What's going on?"

"Peyton and Nathan broke up and well she's taking it pretty badly..."

"I don't mean with Peyton or Nathan. I mean with _you. _I know we haven't really talked since you came back, I guess I was waiting until you felt like you were ready. I didn't wanna push it. But I know somethings wrong and if you still don't want to talk about it. That's fine. Its just you seem... so sad. Like you're doing all these things, coming back here, going to school, but its like you're hearts not in it. What happened to my son?"

Lucas sighed and rested his head into his hands. He had been so blind. Everyone kept taking about the pain he had caused when he left, and he knew he had. But he didn't seem to_ see _it. He had no idea the pain he had caused his own Mum. The fear that he had put in her. Not knowing why he left. He thought it over in his mind. He thought of just telling her everything. But as he thought it, he realised it sounded so pathetic. He left because what? Because he was in love. He had been in love with the same person for so long, and that person loved someone else, wanted someone else. It happens everyday, all the time. And yet most people don't run away and hide from it. They face it and try and move on. All he had done in running was made himself even more stuck than he was before. He was trapped by the love he felt for Peyton, desperate for the pain to go, for the feelings to disappear, but clinging onto the feelings for dear life afraid of losing them forever. Afraid of losing _her_ forever. He heard Karen sigh softly.

"I know its about Peyton. I'm not an idiot. You have always been so drawn to her. I think even before you knew her. Love is a wonderful thing, but it also hurts and consumes. And loving someone who doesn't feel that way back is the most heartbreaking thing of all. The time spent wasted, wanting something you will never have, it leaves scars. Scars that won't heal. The only thing that works is time. Scars fade, feelings fade, you meet other people, see other faces, you always remember, but it gets easier. I speak from experience Lucas. Don't hold onto things. You have to learn to let it go. Or it will haunt you forever"

Lucas kind of hated that his Mum could see straight through his carefully placed facade. That years of knowing him and watching him grow had given her a built in mechanism to know exactly what was wrong. He kinda hated that she was always right too. Not that he would ever tell her that. But she was. She was _so_ right. He could spend his entire life waiting. Waiting for something that could never happen, something that might never be. His Mum was gone now from opposite him, she was busily chatting away, now getting eggs from the fridge. Lucas watched her carefully, she started talking about Dan, and he could see something in her eyes. A smile across her face that he hadn't seen before. He hadn't hidden his concerns about the marriage to his Mum, in fact out of everyone he had been the most vocal about his disapproval. But as he watched her smiling happily, he couldn't deny it. There was something different about her, a weight lifted from her shoulders, a happiness that she had been waiting for. It was when she turned on the radio and started singing to herself that Lucas moved away from table in complete despair. He wandered quietly down the corridor, and stopped at his bedroom, resting his hand against the handle. He pushed it open slightly, trying to be as quiet as possible.

He stood in the doorway and leaned on the frame. Peyton was sprawled out across the bed. The covers all over the place her legs wrapped tightly around them, he smiled to himself. A memory of an easier time for the two of them flashed in his mind. She always fidgets in her sleep. He remembered that much from the summer they had spent together. The countless jokes he had made about sharing a bed with Peyton Sawyer. The many times when he had woken up after being smacked in the face by Peyton as she moved around in her sleep. He moved into the room and leant against his desk, he took in the state of his room, the half unpacked suitcase and the countless number of half opened boxes. Part of him was stalling. He hated unpacking. And he didn't know if he really wanted to stay.

He looked down to the end of the bed. The same box that Peyton had been hunched over the night before still there. The picture that she clung in her hands still resting on top of it. He picked it up, then distracted by a picture under it. It was the two of them. From a night that seemed so long ago. They looked like two different people. So lost in each other and the moment. Completely oblivious. He remembered Peyton asking some random guy to take the picture, just walking over so confident and self assured and then running back excitedly and throwing her arms around him, smiling widely. He closed his eyes and smiled, transporting himself back to that moment. Happy at having her so close. He swore he could even hear the way she said his name, then he realised that he wasn't in that moment, that this was now, his room, and the voice he heard was actually Peyton talking to him.

"Luke?"

Lucas opened his eyes abruptly and looked down at the picture and then back at Peyton, who was now sat up, the covers pulled over her completely.

"Hey... sorry... I was just..."

Peyton laughed "You don't have to apologise. I'm the one crashing your room"

Lucas held on tightly to the photo in his hand. He suddenly felt awkward. He had been so lost in his own thoughts, he had forgotten he wasn't alone in his room.

"I should get ready and go home... before your Mum wakes up..."

"She's already awake. Nerve's I think. I told her you crashed here anyway"

"Oh okay"

"I'm sure she'd love it if you stayed and got ready with her. She was singing to herself in the kitchen earlier" Lucas smiled to himself and shook his head. He placed the photo back down carefully in the box. "I think it'd mean a lot to her"

"Okay. I'll call Brooke. Get her to come over, and we can all get ready together"

"Brooke will love you for that. You know Brooke and weddings"

Lucas watched Peyton carefully as her lips curved into a smile.

"Okay. Well I'll leave you to... my Mum's making breakfast so just come out when your ready..."

Lucas turned to the door. He could feel the awkwardness in the room, but couldn't explain it. Maybe Peyton was embarrassed by how she had been last night. There was something strange about this morning, and Lucas couldn't figure it out. He heard her call his name again. Softer this time. And closer. He turned slowly. Preparing himself, knowing she would be standing just a few inches away.

"Are you okay with all of this Lucas? I mean, your Mum is getting married to Dan... well your Dad! And you haven't said how you feel about it. I just kinda wanted to make sure that you were okay"

"Honestly? Weird. And completely uncomfortable" Lucas sighed heavily and stepped closer to her, pulling the door closed slightly "But I _have _talked to her about this. And she says that she's happy. The happiest she's been in a while, well you'd be blind to miss it. All that matters to me, is that she's happy. I may not understand it. But maybe I don't need to. Not when she's out there singing to herself. Being happy"

Peyton nodded and smiled. Lucas could see she was happy with his response. The worry she had for him fading.

"You're right about one thing though. It is weird"

Lucas laughed loudly and shook his head. He _loved _that about Peyton. No matter what she could bring a smile to his face. Amidst all his panic and worry, she could still bring that out of him.

"Your Mum has been really great to me, you know that? When you left... I guess I felt like she understood. The only one who understood how hard it was to live with you not being around. I couldn't really talk to anyone else about it... and your Mum, well she got it. She missed you. I missed you"

"Peyton I..."

"Its okay really. I'm not asking for another apology. I just wanted you to know that, you being back means so much to her. And me"

Lucas looked away again towards the door. He could see all the pain she had felt when he left in her eyes. He could see how much it had hurt her that he had left. He wanted to tell her that it was all for her. That he had left because he wanted her to be happy, and he was so afraid if he stayed it would cause her more pain. But it wasn't the time to say any of it. She was already back across the room and searching her bag for her phone to call Brooke.

He watched her sit down on the bed and dial the number. He watched every little movement she made. How comfortable it felt to have her in his room like this. He couldn't help but imagine what it would be like to have this every morning. To wake up with her and talk to her. His thoughts were getting away from himself but he had no wish to stop them. For just that small moment all there was – was her and him. And he wished it could be like that forever.

"Brooke's on her way over. She pretty much screamed with excitement down the phone"

He smiled widely again "Why am I not surprised? Look I'm gonna leave you to get sorted, I'll bring you in some coffee in a bit"

"Thanks Luke"

"Anytime Sawyer"

Lucas pulled himself away from where he stood and quickly walked through the door, he shut it quietly and leaned his back against it, closing his eyes, and breathing in and out slowly. He hadn't prepared himself for how hard this was going to be. How hard it would be to have her so close and yet still seem so far from her. He could sense they were both holding back with each other, and it came down to the same thing. Fear.

He was terrified of hurting her. He had done it so many times now, even when he was trying to do the right thing. But something always seemed to mess up. And no doubt she was afraid of him leaving again. She had made that clear last night. People always leave. The three words she had lived her life by, and all he had done was confirm it for her. He was determined to not be that person. He wanted to be the one who never let her down who always stood by her. He wanted to be that person from now on. He had to try.

* * *

There were so many things that had to be done today. So many things Peyton had to get done. But she seemed to be fixed to the position she now sat it. She lay back against the comfort of Lucas bed, moving her head to look around the room, trying to take it all in. This place had held so much comfort to her once. And now she felt awkward and out of place. Nothing in the room seemed to fit. She was certain that what she had walked into was someone packing their life away. But as she looked around all she could see was someone who was stuck. Someone who didn't know what to do. What was the best thing to do for themselves or anyone else.

Everything was hidden in their boxes and packed away. No character or indication to the person who owned the room could be seen, only a few scattered pictures that lay on top of boxes. And those people in those pictures didn't even exist anymore. Peyton had figured that much out last night.

And now she dreaded Brooke coming here. She knew there would be questions. Why had Peyton come here? Why not to Brooke's? Peyton had no answer. It was just something inside of her that seemed to draw her here. A part of her always knew that she could find some form of comfort. And she had. She knew that Lucas would have welcomed her in. But now things seemed different. Strange. Like the two of them were holding back. She knew she had been on edge with Lucas, she was very much aware of that. But she felt like she was just waiting for the moment when he turned around and left again. Why get used to him being here if he was just going to walk away again?

Even after last night when he said he wasn't leaving, still a feeling inside her wouldn't let her trust him completely. And she hated that, because she wanted to. She wanted to be able have the relationship they had before.

The crashing sound of the door being pushed open made Peyton snap out of her daydream and jump off the bed to practically catch Brooke as she fell through the door. Peyton immediately started laughing as the two of them struggled with the, what seemed like hundreds of bags Brooke had brought with her.

"How long did you think you were gonna be here Brooke?" Peyton turned and smiled at her best friend, as all the bags landed in a heap on the bed.

"Shut it P.Sawyer. This is one time I am allowed to get all over excited and crazy. Besides, I had to hawl all your stuff over here too. Maybe if you had been at home where you said you would be..."

"I know. But I called..."

"I was pretty much already at your house..."

Peyton laughed again "Stop complaining"

Brooke threw her hands up in the air, and began separating the bags on the bed "Why are you here Peyton?"

Peyton sighed heavily as she helped Brooke untangle the mess. She didn't dare look at her. She knew this was coming. That Brooke would want an explanation. "I just felt... I don't know Brooke. I went for a walk and I ended up here and..."

"You could've come to me you know?"

Peyton turned to look at Brooke now. She was still fiddling with the bags frantically trying to pull them apart. And there was a sadness in her voice. Not that she had come here, it was that she hadn't gone to Brooke.

"Brooke" Peyton turned Brooke to face her "I know that. It's just I feel like I've been dropping it all on you recently. I just kept over thinking everything and it was a bad night, and like I said I went for a walk. And this is where I ended up. I didn't wanna come to you and drop all this on you again, like I have been"

"Peyton, thats what best friends are for" Brooke sighed and moved away from Peyton, walking to the middle of the room, looking around at the boxes on the floor. Peyton watched as Brooke picked up a photograph that lay on top of one of the boxes. "This will always be where you end up though. You know that right? You can try and deny it. But there is a reason why you come here when you feel like that. It's like his the only one who can heal you or something. I know you say you and Lucas are just friends. I know that's what you want. But have you actually _asked _Lucas why he came back? Why he left?"

"I know you think there's more to this. But really Brooke I just needed a friend... and me and Nathan.. I don't even want.. when you were gone that summer Brooke, you don't know what it was like. It was probably the happiest I ever felt in my life, until Nathan... its messed up. I know. But I'm not asking Lucas that again. He gave me an answer and as far as I am concerned, his back. That's all that matters"

"Okay. I'm dropping this. For _today. _You know I'm just worried about you right?"

Peyton smiled softly and moved across the room to stand opposite her friend "I know. I wish right now I could tell you that I am. But it's not Lucas whose the problem"

Brooke just nodded, Peyton could tell from the look in her eye that she remained unconvinced. Apart from screaming at her, she saw there was no way to convince her, and she didn't have the energy for that. And she couldn't be mad at Brooke for being worried, not when it came from a place of concern and general looking out for her.

"I'm going to get showered. We have a really long day today..."

Brooke had cut Peyton off before she could even finish her sentence "That's right we do. So you go get showered, because... yeah... you really need one, and I will stay here and prepare everything"

Peyton shook her head and smiled. There was no deterring Brooke when she was in this mood, the only way to get through was just to let her have her way. Peyton moved towards the door slowly, before turning round quickly again, she seemed to have forgotten too easily that she wasn't at home, it somehow felt wrong that she already felt so comfortable here already. As if Brooke had read her mind she was standing opposite her, toiletry bag in hand and smiling widely.

"I told you I took care of everything. That included breaking into your house and stealing all of your essentials needed for today"

Peyton let out a small laugh "You know its not breaking in when you have a key?"

"Stop spoiling my fun and go get showered already"

Again Peyton did as she was told, taking the bag from Brooke's hand, and leaving the safety of Lucas' bedroom. She looked down the corridor to find Lucas and Karen deep in conversation, happily talking away, eating pancakes. Peyton leant against the wall and smiled. She was happy for Karen. Peyton was possibly the one person to see how hard it hit her, him leaving. So to see them now, Lucas finally not shutting her out, made her happy.

Lucas moved away from the table slowly, and moved to the sink taking the empty dishes away with him. Peyton watched him for a moment, still talking to his Mum. Peyton caught Karen's eyes and smiled brightly. Karen smiled back. There wasn't anything that needed to be said. It was more of a confirmation between the two of them. Happy to have him back in their lives.

* * *

Brooke looked around the room again, she had kept herself busy for at least five minutes, setting out make up and hanging dresses up on the door. She had done everything in such a rush, wanting to avoid the fact that she was back in this room. She felt like everywhere she turned some part of the room held a memory to her, and with every memory another stab of pain seemed to surge through her.

Now she found herself unable to stop any of those memories from resurfacing. There was nothing to distract her, not till Peyton came back. Then she could put on her best smile and focus on everything that was happening today. She hated being alone. She hated the thoughts that crept into her mind and wouldn't seem to vanish.

The only thing that provided her with the smallest amount of comfort, was that the room wasn't exactly as she remembered it. It seemed bare. All the boxes making it seem unlived in. It made it slightly less familiar. Only _slightly_.

_**Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as the sky fell in, holding you close - how I always held close in your fear**_

She clearly remembers turning up here one night, ready for their date, usually a movie, only to find Lucas' room in the dark except for a few candles lighting the room. A blanket on his floor, and Chinese food, all her favourites, she remembers his smile as her face lit up when she walked in... she hated that. She felt like hitting herself or screaming at the top if her lungs. She still had those thoughts in her head, and she hated it.

She moved across the room, looking at the bare walls, nearing towards the closet, running her hand over the doors that used to have hundreds of concert tickets across them. She remembers the night she threw a shoe at Lucas from across the room after they had fought, again. And then the morning after when she had fallen over in their trying to search for it, only to find something else. _That _box. _Peyton._Her name etched across it. She moved quickly away from the closer and back towards the bed, quickly re-arranging everything she had already laid out. The door creaked open. Finally.

"Excellent. You're back. Now Peyton..."

"Nope. Not Peyton"

Brooke looked up quickly. Crap. Really she shouldn't have been that surprised. It was Lucas' house. His room.

"I just came to bring you guys coffee. Sorry to..."

"You don't have to apologise. Your room remember?"

Brooke looked down again, and faked her way through moving things around again. Hoping he would just get the damn jacket and go. She wondered if it was really possible to be so conflicted about one person. Half of her hating him, the other half, well the other half she had no idea what that was doing.

It took her the time of those thoughts to realise that Lucas hadn't moved from where he stood, and was staring at her closely.

"Brooke... Are things ever gonna be okay between me and you?"

Eurgh. He had to go there. Brooke suddenly felt nauseas and pissed off at him "I don't know. Are you gonna stop acting like a jackass?"

"Are you gonna stop lying and avoiding the issue?"

There was a tone to his voice that only aggravated Brooke more. _She _was lying?

"_I'm _lying? Oh please you are one to talk. And you know what Lucas? _That_. That right there is why we can't get passed this"

"That doesn't make any sense"

"Yes it does. Don't you see. You snap and I snap back. That's the way we have always been. That's the way we worked. Except we weren't working. Some people aren't meant to be friends Lucas. They just can't ever be friends. And you and me never will be..."

Brooke finally looked up to face him. The look of genuine shock on his face left her feeling slightly staggered. She almost felt bad for being so harsh.

"Its not about what you think it is, its just certain people can never be anything than what they were - and what we were is... it wasn't friends, we were never friends and..."

Lucas held up in hands "I get the message. Loud and clear. You. Me. Not friends"

_**Remembering you running soft through the night you were bigger and brighter and wider than snow and screamed at the make-believe - screamed at the sky and you finally found all your courage to let it all go**_

Lucas turned to leave, and Brooke felt the urge to take it back. To stop holding onto everything to finally let it go. But as she opened her mouth to speak Lucas had turned back round to face her.

"For what its worth. I don't think I would have minded trying to be friends with you. In fact it would have made me pretty happy"

Again Brooke opened her mouth to speak but Lucas had cut her off.

"You don't need to say anything. It's fine. I'll see you at the wedding I guess"

As he left Brooke sat down slowly on the bed - she wished she could let it go - just be he's friend, the truth was she wanted to, she missed him, she missed talking to him, but she was carrying her own demons, the baby she had lost that he knew nothing about, the letter he wrote to Peyton that she burnt, all she could think of was if he knew all those things she had done, maybe he wouldn't want to be her friend, he wouldn't be so willing to try and be her friend - so this way it was easier if she just shut him out, acted like what they had never existed - it was for the best easier for everyone, because the fallout of revealing what she was hiding would be too much for people, and there was already enough sadness amongst the people it affected. She didn't want to be the cause of more.

* * *

Songs:

The Cure - Pictures of You


	22. Chapter 22

**This chapter is really long. I thought about cutting it into two parts but I just couldn't decide where to. And I really wanted to get the wedding part all posted. So I am sorry for the very long length of this lol. Again thank you so much for comments. And if you are just reading this and not commenting thanks to. Its nice just to know people are reading, I would love it if you left a comment though, its always nice to hear what people think and peoples opinions and what not. Thanks again**

**Claire xx**

* * *

Lucas looked around the half empty church - he watched as people were guided to their seats, he couldn't help but laugh to himself at the fact that he was standing here about to watch he's Mum and Dan get married. Lucas had a long list of reasons as to why this was a bad idea. But he had seen his Mum and Dan together over the last few days, and even he couldn't deny how happy they were. He knew that trusting Dan would never be something he would ever be able to do, not completely. But he was trying, for his Mum's sake, to accept this and in doing that accept Dan.

And he even had to admit there was something different about Dan, he couldn't explain what it was but he could see it in the way he spoke to people and the way he was with he's Mum. Maybe it was her, maybe this was what she bought out in him, all Lucas knew was that he had spent so much time being selfish, asking things from people for selfish reasons and he was tired of being like that - he didn't want to be like that, so what it came down to it, was that if Dan made he's Mum happy then he would be happy for the two of them.

He turned and looked at he's friends sitting a few rows back, Skills and Mouth were teasing Bevin and Brooke was laughing as they did so, he smiled to himself, it was good to be back. He had missed them all. His thoughts instantly turned to Haley, and he desperately wished she was here right now, to offer some kind of advice or make a lame joke about what an idiot he was being, he knew her just doing that would offer him some kind of relief. He heard Brooke laugh loudly again and he couldn't help but look at her. It was good to see her like that. He didn't remember a time when they were together that she had ever been like that. She caught his eye, and he took his chances, smiling slightly, knowing it was a futile attempt as Brooke had made it perfectly clear that whatever hope Lucas had of them being friends was hopeless. He half expected her to turn away and continue talking to Mouth, instead the smile turned softer and she held his gaze, he turned round in shock just to make sure there was no one standing behind him and has he turned back Brooke was laughing again, but this time at him. Lucas shook his head and was laughing too now, he saw Brooke nod her head a little, and then her attention was back to the others. It wasn't much. But it was a start.

He turned to face the front, adjusting his tie, he saw that Nathan had come to stand by his side. The two of them stood in an uncomfortable silence. Lucas could tell that Nathan wanted to speak, no doubt another attack on him. But it was the last thing Lucas wanted today he just wanted the wedding to go smoothly and for his Mum to have an amazing day. He turned to look at his brother, and he took in how little an effort he had made, his eyes looked heavy and tired, from nights of deprived sleep. Lucas looked ahead again.

"Well you look like crap"

"Well I feel like it" There was a bitter edge to Nathan's voice.

"Good"

He heard Nathan sigh heavily "So you talked to her then?"

Lucas just nodded he knew he had opened a conversation that wouldn't stop now, he was just waiting for Nathan to try and defend himself, or make some kind of comment, it was just what Nathan did, he knew exactly what to say to piss Lucas off.

"You know there is more to explain..."

Lucas turned quickly to face him "You know what Nathan, its none of my business. All I'm trying to do is be her friend okay?"

Nathan turned his head and for a second Lucas felt for sure he could see a look of hurt across his face, then he's expression was blank again and he turned to face the front again.

"Is she alright?"

Lucas sighed "No, she's not alright. You know I remember all the times you said to me about staying away from Peyton because all I did was cause her pain, and you were right I did, but I never meant to hurt Peyton, I was just stupid, I believed things that I shouldn't have and some many things I did wrong I get that now, but it was never my intention to hurt Peyton..."

"It wasn't mine either" Nathan's voice was full of sadness and regret and it made Lucas turn towards him again.

"You see that's what I don't get? Because I don't see how you can think that sleeping with Haley, that sneaking off to go and see Haley wouldn't hurt her?"

Nathan turned quickly towards Lucas "You were right - its none of your business"

"I'm not trying to piss you off Nathan, I'm not. I'm just trying to figure it out, because I saw it. I saw how happy you both were and I don't why you would want to do anything that might cause you to lose Peyton"

"I made a mistake. I'm _not_perfect. When Haley was there that night, I was jealous and scared that I was losing Peyton, I thought I already had. I saw you and her together and I thought that's it. And Haley was there, I know it's awful, but it felt comfortable and I was drunk" Nathan's laugh was small and bitter "I hurt Haley so much that night, and for a long time all I wanted to do was hurt her like she hurt me, but after I did that I realised I didn't want to be like that, I just wanted to let it all go, and the one thing that stopped me was my anger. I couldn't shake it towards her, it never seemed to fade and it wouldn't let me let everything go. After she left and you gave me the letter, I just couldn't stop reading it. I read it over and over again and I realised that she wasn't the only one at fault. I was too. I blamed her for everything going wrong in our marriage. I never once looked at the way I acted, and I finally did that day I got that letter. I was so ashamed of myself. I had to go and see her, she deserved that much, and so did I. I didn't want anything holding me back from being with Peyton completely. I never set out to hurt her... I just... messed up... like we all have"

"Have you tried telling her all that?"

"Is that really what you want? I thought you'd be happy about this..."

"Happy that Peyton's in pain? Is that really what you think of me? Do you not even know me..."

Lucas trailed off he turned to look at Nathan again, the distance between the two of them now was further than it had ever been. Even when they had first been forced into each others lives, now it was like they were fighting a losing battle, he was losing his brother. If someone had told him that even a year ago, he probably wouldn't have cared, and as much as it hurt him to be so far detached from him, he didn't know how to fix it. How to make it right.

"You should tell all that. Just tell her"

"Its a bit difficult when she won't even speak to me"

"Can you honestly blame her?"

"I guess not... I just thought..."

"Make her listen. Find a way. The right way. And make her listen"

Lucas heard Nathan's defeated sigh and he couldn't help but feel bad for him. He could relate to how he felt because in a weird way he was feeling the same way, and even though the two of them were so far away, for just that moment he felt close to his brother again, momentarily connected. More than that he realised he missed his brother. Talking to him, finally after all those years of wrongly hating to know what it was like to have him in his life, to this.

* * *

Peyton sat down, she looked around the room it was beautifully laid out, all the girls had spent most of the morning there getting ready and preparing for the day, she stood up from the chair anxiously walking around the room, she had no idea why she felt so nervous it wasn't like she was getting married. Maybe it was because she knew she would have to stand up and see him standing opposite her, at least she had Lucas and Brooke there with her too and that made her feel better.

She made her way to the mirror at the end of the room and she looked at herself, even though she wasn't feeling the best inside she thought she looked okay. Brooke had made both her and Peyton's dresses, Brooke had wanted red dresses but Peyton fought with her and they finally agreed on Jade. Peyton's hair was done, curly – Brooke had insisted - but she had pinned it back at the sides, she sighed heavily trying to look forward to the day, but all she could feel was the fear. At least Karen was happy.

She heard the door open and Karen stepped through, her hair pinned back and in her beautiful dress that Brooke had also insist on making.

"Karen, you look so beautiful"

Peyton smiled slightly "Really? Not too bad for an old woman?"

"Come on, you know how amazing you look"

Karen held out her hands and walked towards Peyton "Thank you for all your help with this Peyton, it means so much to me. I know its been hard for you recently..."

"Hey, its not a problem and this isn't about me. Today is about you"

Karen smiled and squeezed Peyton's hands slightly, letting out a small sigh. Peyton let go of Karen's hands and turned to look at herself again in the mirror. She adjusted her dress again and look back at her hair. She pulled out the pins that held her hair off her face and let it fall over her shoulders.

"You look beautiful too sweetie"

Peyton turned her head to look at Karen and frowned, Karen only laughed and came to stand next to her. "You nervous?"

Karen let out a small laugh again "A little yeah"

"Well if it helps I am too. Brooke is really good in these situations she like never gets nervous, that's why its good having her around, she left the flowers in the car and said she was going to get them, but that was like 20 minutes ago and she's not back, she gets distracted too easily..."

"You know you ramble when you're nervous?"

"Yeah I know. Sorry just helps take the focus off it" Peyton laughed again

"Sometimes can't believe it you know?"

"Well the two of you certainly surprised everyone"

Karen turned to face Peyton, her face was serious now, clearly thinking ahead to what she was about to do "Sometimes I do wonder you know. If I'm making the right decision"

Peyton nodded "I think that's natural though"

"Is it? Shouldn't it just be, I don't know, what feels right? No questions needed"

"Maybe. But you and Dan there's a lot of history there. I think different rules apply for this one"

Karen only nodded and turned again to look at herself in the mirror. Peyton couldn't help but notice that she seemed to drift off into her own world. She could tell there was something else on her mind, besides the wedding, but Peyton didn't want to push. Maybe it was just jitters, surely they were normal on your wedding day.

"Peyton if I tell you something its just between you and me alright?"

Peyton was slightly taken aback "Yeah of course"

"Keith came to see me last night"

_**Flashback**_

_Keith knew deep down that it was a bad idea to be here, he knew that this was going to be a mistake, that he needed to let it go, that he needed to let Karen go. But maybe Nathan was right, maybe he needed to take he's own advice. He slowly moved round the back of the house to Karen's window, he felt like he was 17 again sneaking out to see a girl, he lifted he's arm up to tap on the window, but he's courage failed him again, he breathed deeply, he had to do this he couldn't just sit by and watch this happen without even knowing if there could be a chance. He was brave this time lifting he's hand to the window tapping on it lightly, when there was no response he tapped harder. He could hear stirring from the room and he breathed deeply again, suddenly he was seriously wondering why he was there, contemplating running away as fast as possible. But it was too late the window was open and she was standing there in front of him half asleep._

_"Keith.. what are you doing here?"_

_Karen's voice wasn't surprised. It was almost like she had been expecting something like this. Her voice was full of sadness though, perhaps almost pity._

_"Come outside" He saw Karen open her mouth to protest but he stopped her "Please. I need to talk to you"_

_Karen closed the window and disappeared and Keith stepped backwards, anxiously waiting for her to come out, he felt like he was waiting forever for her to appear. He started to go over everything in he's head of what he would say. He paced up and down, going over everything that he had ever wanted to say to her that now all had to come out in this one moment._

_Finally Karen appeared, she walked slowly towards him stopping just a foot away from him "Keith... look whatever this is... I don't think..."_

_"I'm in love with you" Karen stepped back a step but Keith moved forward and took hold of her shoulders "I love you, I always have and I always will. I had to say it, I had to tell you, ever since you wrote to me and told me about Dan all I could think was that I wanted it to be me. I wanted you to be with me and I know I left and I didn't really explain and I know you owe me nothing, but I just I need to know if there is any chance that maybe you think that you could love me?"_

_Karen moved herself out of Keith's grasp and shook her head "Keith, I do love you and everything you did for me, for Lucas that all means so much to me and when you came back, when you bought him back I was so happy. But you and me... its too late for any of that now. I've moved on from that"_

_But thats just it, you haven't moved on have you? You've moved back to what? Dan? Is he what you want?"_

_"I know that no one understands this. I'm not even sure if I understand where the feelings I have for Dan came from again, or if they ever really went away. But they are there, and they are very real. And I am sorry because I know that hurts you to hear. But we have always been honest with each other"_

_"So what the way he treated you? What he did to you and Lucas? Is everything forgiven cos he mutters few nice words. All those years of nothing from him Karen, you just forgave him all of that?"_

_"This isn't something that's happened over night Keith. For years I lived in this town getting on with my life, trying to survive. I haven't forgotten everything that happened. But you haven't been here. You haven't seen Dan, you don't know what he has been like. How much his been trying. His changed"_

_Keith shook his head. He tried to take in everything Karen was saying. "What.. was... was there ever a time when you and me... maybe you thought that you and me?"_

_"Maybe. But it wouldn't have been right Keith" Karen stepped forward slightly "I didn't realise until I guess until recently but I never let Dan go. Even when he hurt me, even when he treated me badly as stupid as it's going to sound, I still loved him. But the thing is you really can't help who you love and what he and I have... even when we were together before it was something I could never explain to anyone it was just between the two of us, but when I got pregnant everything changed. I saw a side to him that I didn't recognise and I got scared. For some reason I was blinded to the fact that maybe he was too. We were just kids, too young to know what to do, all we had was what felt right. I did what I had to do and he did what he had to do. But I lost a lot when he left, I didn't even feel like he was the same person I had fallen in love with. But over the past few months, something happened and I saw that man that I loved all those years ago come back and it was unexpected but something about it was meant to be"_

**_End of Flashback_**

****

Karen had moved across the other side of the room throughout her story, Peyton watched her closely taking in everything she had said. Peyton wasn't surprised she had even expected for it to happen sooner, what surprised her was Karen's reaction. Because deep down Peyton thought, faced with the choice, Karen would have picked Keith.

She could tell Karen was waiting for her to say something, and she didn't know what to say – she couldn't say that she thought it was a mistake because for the first time she believed that what Dan and Karen had was real, that sometimes it was possible to put what had happened in the past behind you and leave it there, above all the whole thing gave Peyton some hope.

"Why did you tell me that?"

"Why do you think Peyton?"

Peyton smiled softly and nodded her head. The door opened slightly and Brooke popped her head through the door, smiling widely. Which meant one thing. It was time for a wedding.

* * *

Brooke smiled as she watched Karen finally reach the alter, she saw Dan take her hand so gently – she thought it was going to be the most awkward day what with the couple and all the drama that had unfolded recently but there was something about the day, there was a certain calm to it. Everyone looked happy for the couple so even if it was just for this one day it was nice for a change.

She looked to her left at her best friend who was smiling away – something she hadn't really seen over the last few days, it was good to see her happy, even if it was for someone else. It was still something. Brooke turned to look at Nathan, he looked completely lost. Tired and exhausted. Every now and then his eyes would move to look at Peyton, but they never lingered on her, it was almost like he wasn't allowing himself too.

Lucas, however, was less obvious. His eyes hadn't left Peyton as soon as they had all stepped into the church. He watched her as she stepped up next to Brooke, and never looked away, as he heard the words being spoken he's eyes remaining on her, Peyton completely oblivious, lost in her own happiness for the couple.

For the first time she realised how hard it must have been for Lucas. First to have to see your brother with the person that you love. The struggle of wanting the two of them to be happy, but still haven't to deal with the heartache that came with that.

She knew she couldn't be mad at him forever, and the truth was she didn't want to be, she talked a lot about not wanting to be friends with him, that she didn't want anything to do with him, but she missed him, she missed talking to him.

As the ceremony ended, everyone took their cues and stood up. Nathan walked forward holding his arm out to Brooke unenthusiastically, and walked down the aisle. Now all they had to get through was the reception.

The room was decorated so beautifully, it was like something out of a fairytale, everything was bright and so perfectly set to all the fine details. The room was dimly lit, candles sat on the round tables that surrounded the dance floor. Dan and Karen sat at a table on their own. Brooke spotted everyone sitting together. She saw Lucas sitting staring at his Mum. She made her way over to him, sitting down without a word.

"Look at how happy she looks"

Brooke turned to look at him. He was still staring at Karen. A huge smile on his face.

"I know. It's amazing"

Brooke smiled and turned to look at them. She couldn't but be happy for them. Anyone looking at them could see just how happy they were, how content.

"Luke... about what I said earlier. I was out of line.

Lucas turned to face Brooke and shook his head "No you weren't. You have every right to be mad at me. I'm sorry for how I left, and I'm sorry I never said goodbye, it was just, it wasn't about you. It was me"

Brooke sighed. "So why did you tell Peyton it was about me?"

Brooke watched Lucas as he shifted in his seat, so his body was facing towards her "I don't know. She asked and I... she wanted an explanation and I couldn't give her the truth. She was already hurt, I didn't want to make it worse"

Brooke nodded and she moved her body to face his too "I get that. I just wish you hadn't used me in your lie"

"Ahh Brooke I'm sorry. I've been such a complete jackass. I feel like all I'm doing is apologising all the time. And I know I have to. Sometimes I'm so angry with myself. I don't think. I never meant to hurt you, it seems to be something I'm just good at"

Lucas voice was bitter and full of anger, but Brooke could tell from his tone that it was all directed at himself. Brooke turned away again to look back at Dan and Karen. They were dancing now. So lost in one another, chatting away and laughing. All eyes on them, but the two of them completely oblivious.

"Why won't you tell her that you love her?"

Lucas sighed heavily "Because right now, I can't do that to her. You saw how happy she was with Nathan, and she still cares about him and I want to be a good friend, I don't want my feelings for her to upset or cause her pain, I already spent too much time doing that to Peyton, so for once I'm going to try and do the right thing, and not be selfish"

"That sounds like a Lucas I used to know. Your right though, she was happy with Nathan, the happiest I've seen her for a long time, and I don't know what that means... but if there is a way they can get through this"

"Maybe there will be"

"Would you really want that?"

"If he makes her happy? Then of course I would"

Brooke smiled widely again, She almost couldn't believe she was hearing this from Lucas. She had spent so much time being angry with him and expecting him to say and do the wrong thing that she hadn't seen this coming.

"So I promised myself I'd get one dance at this wedding..."

Brooke turned to see Peyton standing in between her and Lucas smiling brightly down at them.

"If you wanted to slow dance with me Peyton you just had to ask" Brooke smiled up at her friend.

"Well I was talking to Lucas... So you up for it Scott? You want to dance with a pathetic loser like me?"

Lucas smiled "Well I was hoping to get a bet offer, but I guess you'll do"

Brooke watched Lucas stand up and take Peyton's hand. The two of them walking slowly to the dance floor to join the other couples that were now there. He seemed hesitant as Peyton rested her hands on his shoulders. But soon he was smiling and laughing. She did have that ability Peyton to calm you down when you felt anxious.

Brooke watched them quietly for a while. Mouth sat down beside her, asking if she was okay and wanted to dance. But she didn't. She was happy just watching everyone else. More and more couples filled the dance floor, she saw Bevin and Skills move away from the table and she smiled following them with her eyes to watch the laugh and smile. They moved but this time Brooke's eyes didn't follow them. They remained on the sight she had seen.

He was sitting at the back of the table opposite her. His eyes were dark and focused on the dance floor. Two people to be exact. But he wasn't smiling. And he wasn't happy. He looked a mess. The empty glasses surrounding him. Another one in his hand. Nathan Scott had always been somewhat of a mystery to Brooke. She guessed they were friends, but really they didn't know each other that well. The two of them both misunderstood and seemingly happy to go along with it.

She watched Nathan stand up quickly but still not moving from the table. His eyes were still watching Lucas and Peyton, watching them now as Lucas had hold of Peyton's hand, leading her from the dance floor and out of the double doors at the end of the room. She could see from Nathan's face that he was conflicted. Half of him wanting to run out after them, the other half defeated. He slumped back down in his chair and emptied his glass.

Brooke sighed. She thought perhaps she should go and talk to him. But she didn't even know if he would want to. If her presence would be welcome. Mouth returned to the table with two drinks and she smiled widely at him, pushing the thoughts of what she had just seen out her mind. Brooke stood up and held her hand out to Mouth. Finally accepting the dance.

* * *

Nathan staggered across the room, he knew he had to get out of that place. Surrounded by disapproving eyes, the others looking at him in pity. All he could think about was the two of them dancing, the two of them hand in hand. He wanted to believe that it was just Lucas looking out for Peyton, that Peyton didn't feel that way. But he wasn't stupid. He had lived through Lucas and Peyton the first time, he had seen the casualties of that time and now it would seem he was one of Lucas and Peyton round 2 or whatever it was they were up to now. All he wanted to do was forget, that was the main reason behind drinking any drink he could fine and now god knows how many drinks later he wasn't regretting the decision, the only thing stopping him from going to find himself another one was the overwhelming feeling of wanting to sit down anywhere he could find.

When finally reached the doors to exit the room, he turned back to see he's family and friends laughing, dancing and generally being happy and the feeling sickened him, he wasn't sure if it was them or the alcohol giving him that feeling but he knew he had to get out of there. He pushed the doors open, and found himself outside - the cool air was refreshing to he's face at first but after thirty seconds all it seemed to do was remind him just how drunk he was and the only thing he's body allowed him to do was fall to the ground and lay there on the cold concrete.

He's eyes starting to close slightly, the only thoughts rushing through he's mind were that of Peyton. Ways to get her back, stupid plans that would never work but at that moment seemed to make complete sense to him. If he could just find her and be alone with her, so he could explain.

He sighed opening he's eyes again to look up at the sky, there were so many stars and he couldn't help but be taken back to that night on the beach with Peyton when everything had seemed so perfect, when they had laid in the sand their bodies entwined looking up at those stars together, they had so much meaning to him then, but now they seemed empty , alone they meant nothing to him - just another thing that was far out of reach for him.

"You look like your having fun?"

Nathan leant his head back to see Brooke standing over him. As he moved his head forward he instantly regretted it.

"You look like hell you know that?"

Nathan closed his eyes again. He really didn't need this and nor did he want it. Not a lecture from Brooke Davis. Like she was in any position to be helping him.

"So I've been told"

Nathan looked up at Brooke who was now sitting down on one of the walls leading to the grounds of the huge hall, he could feel her eyes watching him closely searching for some kind of expression from him, searching for an answer of some kind, but he just couldn't think if anything to say partly because he was slowly starting to feel as if the ability to form sentences was going to be a hard task considering he may be passed out soon and also because he couldn't quite figure out what Brooke would possibly have to say to him. He sighed again heavily and laid back down again. He heard Brooke's foot steps as she walked away and the door opened and then shut. He sighed, relieved this time only it didn't last long, the footsteps were making their way towards him again.

"I just have to ask - seeing as I may not get another time when you'll actually be honest with me about how you feel. What was it for you? You and Peyton? Because when the two of you were together I saw something in both of you that I hadn't seen for the longest time, but now when I look at both of you - its like whatever it was that made you those people is gone"

Nathan laughed bitterly and stood up, stumbling slightly as he did. He turned to face Brooke.

"That's because it is gone Brooke. And Peyton? _You _want to know what she means to me..."

Nathan opened his mouth, all the words were there. He could say them to Brooke and explain everything to her. But he had a better idea and staggered forward, nearly knocking into Brooke.

"Nathan, what are you doing?"

"You wanted to know what Peyton means to me, well I'll show you..."

Nathan could feel Brooke holding onto his arm, trying to stop him from going back inside, but he was too strong and quick and the grasp loosened quickly as he pulled away and move through the doors. He staggered across to the centre of the dance floor and then spun back round again, trying to find Brooke, trying to see where he had just come in from. He turned quickly and saw her standing by the door.

"Brooke, there you are" He could hear his voice growing louder and he could feel people's eyes watching him "Everyone please. If I could have your attention" He was definitely shouting now, he definitely had everyone's attention "Brooke here wants to know what Peyton means to me... so shh everyone ... wait is Peyton here? Or you know... did she leave with my brother already?"

He spun round again. Aware of everyone's eyes on him. He caught a glimpse of Brooke looking at him, he was sure he could hear her saying his name, but he ignored it, trying to focus on finding Lucas and Peyton. He turned to face the table where his Dad and Karen sat, and they were there too. Standing by their side.

"Oh there they are. Lucas and Peyton. With Dan and Karen. Isn't that nice?" His voice was bitter and full of sarcasm "I mean of course Lucas is right by Peyton's side. I mean he would never dream of leaving her... even though he did. But he cares about her, he does. Wants to be her _friend. _Isn't that right Luke?"

"Nathan, maybe you should go outside and get some air?"

Lucas was walking slowly towards him now he could see, ready to walk him to the door. He felt Lucas hand touch his shoulder turning him away, but he pushed him away "I already got some air" His voice was angrier now "And it made me feel better it really did you know why? Cos everything is so clear... just suddenly clear to me"

"Come on Nathan..."

"No Lucas. I never answered Brooke's question. It would be rude not to"

Nathan can see her in the distance, and again Lucas is between her and him. He pushes Lucas out the way and he can feel his head spinning, and all he can do is try and focus on her face, it becoming clearer as he gets closer.

"Peyton Sawyer... is _everything _to me. But you know what I realised. I was never that to her"

He exhales heavily suddenly defeated by it all, he feels he's brothers hand on he's shoulder and suddenly everything in the room is clear to him, standing by the door he fell through is Brooke looking at him in despair, he can see Dan and Karen looking at him sadly, he's brothers awkward expression directly in front of him etched across he's face, and there she is standing by a table a few steps away, sadly shaking her head and he can see the look on her face, he knows the look only too well, its one of disappointment, sadness and regret - and the thing that pains him most is he recognises it as the face that she used to get whenever Lucas would ignore her in the corridor whenever she would see him with Brooke, whenever she was having a crap day - and what scared him the most was at that time whenever she saw him that look would melt away and now the harsh realisation was setting in that he was now the one causing that look on her face.

_I**s it getting better or do you feel the same will it make it easier on you now you got someone to blame?**_

And he wanted to look away from her gaze - so he couldn't see that look in her eye - so he didn't have to know that it was him causing her this pain - but something inside him just wouldn't let him turn away almost as if he needed the punishment of having to look at her - he had seen so many different sides of Peyton - one that was happy in he's embrace, one that looked complete with him as they lay together - all the good memories of her were for some reason going through he's mind now almost as if he were trying to block out what he could see now.

**_Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth you act like you never had love and you want me to go without_**

****

* * *

****

Peyton didn't look away from him, she wanted him to turn away from her first - but she could feel all the eyes in the room fall to her and she knew she had to get out, she had tried god knows she had to endure it all, the looks he had given her all the day, the feeling of sadness that had been overwhelming her, but now here with this - she couldn't do it and she was trying to hold on to be strong and as he's gaze finally broke away and looked down - she looked to Lucas for some kind of reassurance - but he's face was as lost as hers and again the only thing she could think to do was run, just run out of their as fast as she could.

**_Well it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light we're one, but we're not the same_**

And she pushed herself away from the table and out the door - feeling the eyes still on her as she left, when she reached the door she pulled her shoes off her feet and pushed open the doors to the outside world - the cool air finally hitting her face and the tears that she had held back now falling hard down her face - so much so that she wanted to keep on running but she couldn't - her breathe becoming sharp as she sobbed loudly and finally she stopped - pressing her back up against a cold stone wall, she tilted her head back leaning it against the wall - she breathed deeply trying to calm herself down - throughout the day she had moments when she finally felt like things were going to be okay - and then every now and then the memory of him would creep back in, she would look around and see something so small that would spark a memory for her - and she wondered if this was how it was always going to be - she knew she was running from the conversation with him that she knew was inevitable they would have to talk about this at some point, but the truth was she still didn't really know fully how she felt about it all - she knew for sure that she missed him, but she also knew that she couldn't forgive him, that what he did hurt her and she just didn't know how to get past it.

The tears had started to slow. Her breathe was calming. In the distance she could hear the noise of people leaving the party. She couldn't go back in there and she didn't want to. She couldn't face everything now. She wasn't ready. There would be too many questions. Too many things that she didn't know how to answer. She ran quickly to the safety of her car. She rested her head on the steering wheel, Dreading having to return home to that empty house. She didn't want to go home - everything in her room seemed to be tainted with him. All the time they had spent there together recently now ruined by his betrayal. She knew where she would end up being. She knew exactly where she would go.

* * *

_**Have you come here for forgiveness? Have you come to raise the dead? Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head?**_

Lucas pulled off he's tie and threw it on he's bed - he sighed he knew this was inevitable. Things had been going far too smoothly during the day for something like this not to happen. Everyone was happily lost in the moment, wanting to be happy even for just that short space of time, so none of them should have been surprised that there had to be some dramatic moment to drag everyone crashing back to reality. He had tried calling Peyton a few times already, with no answer.

He turned to face himself in the mirror and he looked at he's tired expression. A part of him wanted to be angry with Nathan, but he understood it. He shook his head and threw himself onto his bed. Things would be so much easier if they could all go back to a time before any of this happened. Sometimes he couldn't help but regret joining the basketball team. If he hadn't his best friend would still be here, there would have been no wedding today, he wouldn't be feeling the pain he was now and Peyton would still be the person he always wondered about, the person that always intrigued her. Just the thought of her was enough to make him never be able to fully regret his decision, even with what he felt now, it was worth it if it meant having her in his life.

"I've been driving around all night. I didn't know where to go"

Lucas sat up quickly and looked towards the door, he hadn't heard the door open or Peyton step into the room. She looked tired too, her cheeks smeared with mascara. He stood up from the bed, slowly moving towards her, unsure of what to do, if she wanted to talk or for him to leave her alone.

"I keep turning up here a complete mess and no doubt annoying the hell out of you"

Lucas stepped forward again slightly "Well you kind of annoyed the hell out of me before so things haven't changed that much"

Lucas could see from her face that her tears had only just stopped, and the laugh he heard from her was one of relief. It was what she needed amongst everything that had happened. Not just today. She moved forward quickly and threw her arms around his neck. Muttering thank yous quietly. Her head rested on his shoulder and he could feel her breathe against his neck and she continued to thank him.

**_Love is a temple, love a higher law, love is a temple, love the higher law - you ask me to enter but then you make me crawl and I can't be holding on to what you got when all you got is hurt_**

He couldn't help it, he moved his hands round resting them on her back pushing her closer to him. As he did he felt her hands dig into his shirt clinging onto him for dear life.

"Lucas..." her voice was muffled slightly as her face they rested in his shoulder, she moved back slightly so she could look him in the eye, their bodies still close together "I know I'm a pain in the ass, but can I stay here again?"

Lucas smiled slightly, staring down into her green eyes wide and starting to fill with tears again. "Of course you can"

She smiled a small smile, leaning forward. This time resting her face against his chest, never releasing the grip she had on him, holding on as tightly as she could. Lucas kissed her forehead lightly. Again he tried to imagine a time when he didn't have Peyton in his life, but he just couldn't picture it now. His mind wouldn't even let him contemplate the thought of not being able to see her and talk to her every day. She needed him now more than ever, and that's what he had to keep reminding himself. That's what he had to remember. Even in moments like this when it felt like the rest of the world could dissolve away and it really wouldn't matter. He had to remember that all she needed now was for him to be the friend he promised to be, to be the person he promised to be.

**_One life with each other - we get to carry each other_**

****

* * *

****

_Songs_

_U2 - One_****

****

****


	23. Chapter 23

**Thanks everyone for all the great comments on the last chapter. I really do appreciate them all. Again this is another long chapter and as I was going through and editing it all I seemed to add more and more in, so I did cut this in half and hopefully I can get the next half of it up in a couple of days. So yeah thanks again for any comments, and for anyone who is reading. Claire xx enjoy! **

* * *

_  
_

_Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be. _- **Anton Chekhov**

* * *

_There was a time I had nothing to give I needed shelter from the storm I was in_

Lucas looked up to the top shelf of he's closet - two boxes remained. He and Peyton had spent the afternoon going through all the books he owned, that for the past few weeks he had kept hidden in boxes. Having Peyton here seemed like the most natural thing they had constantly joked that it was as if she had moved on. The time she spent there she may as well have. Peyton had spent nearly everyday of the last couple of weeks commenting that it was wrong to keep all those books hidden away unseen - it would be like her keeping all her records stored away where no one could see them, it would have been like hiding a piece of herself, and she asked him everyday to get them out and display them in he's room. That followed a whole conversation about how maybe that's exactly what Lucas wanted. He was hiding.

So he had no idea why this Saturday morning he allowed himself to be dragged out of bed, and forced into going to the store to buy shelving units to store all the books.

The truth was he had been finding it hard to get inspired to do anything, he had lost he's interest that in reading or writing - something that used to captivate him and take him somewhere else, now seemed lost on him. But he couldn't let it show - not to her, he didn't want to have to answer the questions that would inevitably follow after such a confession. He knew that it would lead to the one thing that he could never tell Peyton, so he kept quiet and instead enjoyed the happiness that Peyton seemed to get from him doing this.

And actually now they had started he was enjoying doing this - like sorting through all he's books was kind of therapeutic and also he was having fun - being dragged around the store by Peyton - watching her trying to pick up the boxes and nearly fall over every time made him laugh like he hadn't in a really long time - just being with her - and her opening up to him again it was something that he hadn't realised how much he had missed.

Lucas sighed heavily and emptied another box onto his floor, he turned to face Peyton but was met by a pillow hitting him in the face.

"Have you even been listening to me Scott?"

"I want to say yes. But no. No I haven't"

Peyton struck the pillow across him again and laughed. Lucas grabbed hold of the pillow quickly and pulled it from her grasp.

"It's not my fault you're boring Sawyer"

Lucas laughed as Peyton stuck her tongue out at him before grabbing another pillow and throwing it in his direction. Lucas still had hold of the other one and threw it her way.

"You know what" Peyton held up her hands "I think we should stop this now before it gets ugly"

Lucas smiled, but nodded. Trying to make his face look as serious as possible. He moved into his closet and pulled out another box and placed it on the floor. He lifted up the pillow and threw it in Peyton's direction.

"You suck you know that?"

Lucas smiled widely "Thank you"

She smiled crookedly and turned her attention to the book she had placed on the bed. Lucas watched her carefully as she picked it up.

"As I was saying. I remember this book"

"What is it?"

As she held it up, a thousand memories seemed to come flooding back to Lucas.

"The Great Gatsby"

Peyton smiled "You know, I never read"

"And yet you remember it?" Lucas smiled teasingly, before sitting down on the floor and looking through the books he had just placed there.

"I remember _you_. You were reading it"

Lucas tried to remain focus on the task at hand, he didn't want to allow himself to wander any further into the memories that the book was provoking. "When?"

He felt Peyton come and sit closely beside him "It was the day of that party at Nathan's... You don't remember?"

Lucas turned to face her. Her head was tilted. Her face almost in disbelief that Lucas might not remember that night. He nodded slightly.

"I remember"

Peyton smiled to herself, Lucas could see the relief on her face that it wasn't just her who remembered. "Is it me or does that feel like forever ago?"

"It feels like another life time. I don't think I'd even recognise that version of me now"

Lucas felt Peyton hit his arm lightly "You're not that different now. Just things happened, and well e all changed and grew up. That Lucas is still there"

Lucas tried to smile the best he could as he looked at her again. But he knew it was strained. He felt for sure she could see that it wasn't real. But she only returned to look at the book.

"Its a great book. You should read it. I'll let you borrow it"

Peyton lifted the book closer to her eyes "This isn't the copy you were reading then is it?"

Lucas leaned across her slightly to look at it "No that's not the copy. I have two"

"Can I borrow the other copy?"

Lucas smiled to himself, there was nothing different in the copies. Only the covers were different.

"Yeah sure. Its in the drawer by my bed"

Lucas gestured his head towards his bedside cabinet and Peyton quickly moved towards it, opening the drawer and taking the book out, she smiled as she looked down at it.

"Will I like it?"

Lucas nodded "Yeah. You'll like it"

Lucas returned his attention back to the books. He started to sort them into piles. He knew Peyton would insist on sorting them alphabetically, no doubt asking him if he had some kind of preference he wanted them organised in. He had forgotten how she could be like that.

"When does your Mum and Dan get back?"

He turned quickly startled that she had made her way across the room and was sitting next to him again "Not till next week. That makes me ask another question, how long are you intending to stay with me Sawyer?"

"Sorry - I know I've been kinda invading your space a bit..."

Lucas laughed "No - I didn't mean it like that, you know you can stay as long as you want - its just you are going to have to go back there at some point"

"I know. I just, I like the company I guess. I mean, when I'm not here with you I'm at school or with Brooke, I guess I figured if I'm not on my own I don't have to think about..."

Lucas turned to look at her as she trailed off. She was looking down into her hands now. The face from earlier that was smiling, now seemed sad and lost.

"What?"

She sighed before she spoke again "How sad I get sometimes. Missing him"

Lucas moved his hand round cautiously to rest on her back "You are going to be fine Peyton. You can get through this. You're the strongest person I know. And you know, if you really miss him, why don't you call him? Go see him. You _know_his missing you too"

Peyton shook her head "I don't even know if I want to. Or what I'd even say.. Have you spoken to him since the wedding?"

Lucas nodded "I tried calling him, but I guess I'm not on the top of he's callback list"

"Right now I don't think I even am"

"We both know that's a lie" Lucas smiled at her and slowly moved his hand away. He continued to work through the piles of books.

"Hey. You wanna go see a movie tonight? I can invite Brooke?"

Lucas turned to face her again and nodded "That sounds great. It's time we stopped hiding away in this room"

Peyton stood up quickly and pulled her jacket off the bed "Okay I'm gonna be strong and go home and I'll meet you back here later tonight, say 7?"

Lucas protested and stood up "Peyton, I didn't mean I wanted you to leave..."

Peyton laughed "I know you didn't. But you're right I need to get through this, and if I keep running here then I'm just avoiding"

Lucas nodded and stepped forward, placing a hand on either side of Peyton's arms. "You can still come to me for anything, anytime"

Peyton only nodded and stepped back from Lucas hold, pulling her jacket on. Lucas stepped back, he suddenly felt sad, like she wouldn't be around here as much. He knew that she had to find her own way through this, and that hiding here with him wasn't the answer. But he couldn't help but feel sad at the loss. As Peyton reached the door she turned back to look at him.

"Thank you Lucas. You know, you can talk to me too"

"I know. But I'm fine. I promise"

Lucas watched as Peyton turned back to face the room. He eyes were full of concern, and he knew that she saw through all his pretences "Really? Because sometimes you seem sad. And I want you to know that I'm here for you. For anything. You're always there for me and it works both ways"

Lucas smiled. This time it was genuine. He couldn't help but feel grateful at the act of friendship from Peyton. She had no idea, but her just being there with him now helped him. Her just being who she was gave him something that nobody else could.

"I know. Thank you Peyton"

_And when it all got too heavy you carried my weight and I want to hold you and I want to say_

Lucas waited until Peyton had left and gently closed the door behind her until he threw himself down onto the bed. He hated that he was lying to her, especially when they had promised each other complete honesty, but he knew this was different, there was no point in telling her how he felt, it would just complicate her feelings even more than they already were.

And she loved Nathan he knew that, thats why he had made the decision to do something about that, to try and help the two of them sort this out, because more than anything he wanted Peyton to be happy, and he wanted Nathan to be happy too - and all he had heard was that he hadn't seen the two of them happier than when they had been together.

_**Flashback**_

_Lucas paced up and down. A very large part of him thinking that this quite possibly had to be one of the worst decisions he had ever made. He had been out here for about 10 minutes, struggling with what was the right thing to do. He needed Brooke's help with this. She was good with things like this. The one thing he wasn't quite ready for was her questioning his motives. He turned away from the door looking back to the safety of his car, and how appealing it seemed right now. He was all but decided to go back to it, when he heard the door swing open behind him._

_"Lucas clearly there's something you want? So let me talk you through this. I'm gonna close the door. Then__**you** are going to walk forward and knock on it. And then maybe, just maybe if it doesn't take you like half an hour to do it, I'll open it. Okay?"_

_And then Brooke was gone again. The door now shut. Lucas couldn't help but let out a laugh. Mostly at himself for being completely ridiculous. He walked forward quickly and knocked on the door. The door swung open to a smiling Brooke._

_"Hey Lucas. What a surprise"_

_"Funny. Can I come in?"_

_Brooke only nodded and stepped back, holding the door open for him. Lucas realised he hadn't been in the flat since he and Brooke had been together. It was the same as always. Very Brooke. He heard the door close behind him, and turned to look at Brooke who stood with her arms folded, clearly waiting._

_"Whats up Luke?"_

_"Nothing. Just wanted to see how you were doing"_

_Lucas knew he wasn't kidding Brooke. She looked at him skeptically before moving across the room to sit on the sofa. But she played along "I'm good. Just getting over all that drama from the wedding. How are you?"_

_"Yeah, that was crazy right? But I'm good"_

_Brooke smiled again "Well its not a proper wedding without someone getting drunk and making a scene is it?"_

_Lucas nodded and turned to look around the room that once used to be so familiar to him. He forgot how much time he used to spend here with Brooke. Just the two of them locked away. He looked towards the wall that used to home the large painting of Nathan and Haley. It was now full of different photographs of Brooke with different people. He walked closer. One of himself and Brooke in the middle of them all._

_He heard Brooke's voice grow closer to him, she was suddenly by his side. Looking at the wall "So what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? I'm guessing its not so you and me can talk about the wedding?"_

_"I need your help with something"_

_Lucas couldn't look away from the wall. It was covered with memories. Some he remembered so clearly as if they were yesterday, some he had no idea about, clearly taken in his absence. One he couldn't look away from was one of everyone at the beach, Brooke and Mouth smiling widely, Skills mid dancing, Bevin laughing at him, countless other faces he recognised, all smiling happily. But amidst it all were Nathan and Peyton. He had his arms securely around her, and was looking down at her face and her up at him. Completely oblivious to anything going on around them._

_"I wanna help Nathan and Peyton. Get them talking"_

_"Why would you do that?" Lucas could hear the surprise in Brooke's voice. He sighed heavily, knowing this was coming. He could avoid it and make up different reasons as to why he was doing this just to get Brooke's help. But he was past all that now. He turned to look at her._

_"Because I love her and I want her to be happy. And because Nathan's my brother and I want him to be happy . You even said it yourself you haven't seen them as happy as they were when they were together. So the way I see it is if they can sort this out then..."_

_Brook shook her head "Its not that simple Lucas, you can't just put them in a room and then have them magically sort things out"_

_"I know that Brooke I'm not stupid enough to think that would happen, I was hoping that with your help we could figure out something together"_

_He heard Brooke let out as sigh, and watched her as she turned back to look at the wall. He turned away as well, looking at it again._

_"The sentiment of what your doing is amazing Lucas. But I don't think its going to work. Getting them in the same place? Yeah we could do that. But what if they just don't have anything to say to each other anymore? What if it's just too hard for her to be around him without feeling this pain in her heart? She may miss him, but she can't just forgive him"_

_Lucas heard an edge of pain in Brooke's voice. And for a fleeting moment he thought that Brooke was not just talking about Peyton, that she was talking about the two of them. He looked down at her face. So lost in her thoughts. Her eyes staring intently at the wall._

_"I know you won't understand this, why I'm doing this. But I'd like to think that if I had the chance to somehow make things right, to somehow make things better for a person that I've hurt, that they would at least give me the chance to fix it. Even if maybe they think that there isn't anything anymore to fix. Maybe they would still have some faith in that person to do the right thing. And I believe that this __is the right thing. I just want Peyton to be happy"_

_Lucas turned away from the wall again to look down at Brooke. She was facing him now. A mixed look of shock and understanding on her face. She nodded slightly._

_"What do you need me to do?"_

_**End Of Flashback**_

* * *

Peyton stepped into her house, she lifted the pile of mail up off the floor and without looking through any of it she placed it the table near the door. She sighed heavily and looked around, she felt so stupid for avoiding this place, but she couldn't help but link it back to so many memories of _him_, this is where they had spent most of their time together, especially when their worlds had come crashing down around them, and all they seemed to have was each other. The connection they shared growing from here.

When she reached the top of the staircase she knew walking into her room would be the hardest, that everything in there was him. As she opened the door that she had firmly closed when she left, she saw that everything was just the same, in some way she had expected it to seem somewhat different, that it would have all changed, but the only thing that changed for her was the feeling, she didn't feel as weak as she had done a few weeks before, she suddenly felt ready for this, that she didn't have constant reminders like she had before - that the things surrounding her were about her and not about the two of them anymore, and suddenly for the first time instead of feeling mad, she felt sad for the lose of him, like somewhere along the way without even realising it, she had let him go - like she had no other choice but to let him go, because he's actions hadn't given her any other option.

She knew that above all things she was lucky right now, because without the help of Lucas and Brooke she wouldn't feel as strong as she did , she had to admit that she found the irony of it all amusing. A few months ago, she had Nathan in this room telling her that everything was going to be okay trying to help heal the pain that Lucas and Brooke had caused her, and now somewhere along the way things had completely changed round, it was almost unbelievable like she had been transported to another world. She laughed to herself about that. The reality of it some what setting in.

She looked around, her drawings hung on the walls, each one a reminder of something from her past and instead of feeling any sadness or pain towards them she smiled at them all, because even though some of the memories had left her with scars that may never heal, at least they were hers to keep, at least she felt something and had something to look back on, something to learn and grow from and that was important, more important than she had ever realised before.

She sat down by her computer. The light on her answering machine flashing, she smiled to herself again. Already knowing who it was.

"Hey Sawyer. I already called Brooke, so I am gonna come and pick you up okay? See you in a bit Bye"

She deleted the message. She really didn't know what she would have done without him for the last few weeks, he had been amazing, just like the Lucas she used to know. The one who was always wanting to take care and look out for her, she had missed the feeling of him being like that with her.

It was weird that her, Lucas and Brooke were actually a finding a way to be friends now, at least that's what she could see. Sometimes she saw in sadness in Brooke that she wondered if it stemmed from Lucas, but any time she asked Brooke always pushed it aside. Peyton had expected there to be all this drama and tension but there wasn't - maybe they were all finally growing up and moving on from the drama that surrounded them before.

She got up of her chair and walked towards her wardrobe, looking through the clothes decided what to wear. The phone rang again and she laughed, knowing Lucas was most likely calling again to check she got the message.

"What do you want Scott? You miss me already?

"Peyton? Its um its Haley"

Peyton stopped dead in the centre of the room. She hadn't expected that. The last time they had spoke, the conversation had ended abruptly with Haley apologising and Peyton hanging up.

"Correction. What the _hell_ do you want?"

"Peyton, I just wanted to talk to you about what happened..."

"Did Nathan tell you to do this?"

"What? No. I haven't spoken to Nathan, I've been calling but he won't return my calls. I tried calling you too..."

"Yeah well I haven't been here that much Haley, and even if I had been what exactly would you expect from me?"

"Please Peyton, don't make this harder"

"Oh I'm sorry Haley is this hard for you?" Peyton's voice was full of sarcasm, she knew deep down that blaming Haley for this was illogical, it wasn't entirely her fault. "Ruining peoples relationships, breaking hearts and doing it all from the saftey of god knows how many miles away?"

"I'm sorry you had to find out that way - I honestly thought you knew that Nathan came to see me, the way he was talking about it..."

"No. I didn't know. I also didn't know that you and him had sex, while me and Nathan..."

"Peyton I didn't know that there was anything going on between you and Nathan, when I came back... I never would have done that if I had known. To be honest I... I had such a childish notion when I went back to Tree Hill, I thought that everything was going to magically get solved and I'd fall back into Nathan's arms, I didn't expect anything to have changed. Even after that night I knew deep down that me and Nathan we're over, I just didn't want to accept it"

Peyton sat down defeated on her bed and sighed. She had no reason to be mad at Haley. Part of her wished she could. "Its not about that Haley. The only thing I ever asked from Nathan was honesty, and the one thing he said to me was that he would never hurt me, and I believed him and its my fault for being stupid enough to believe that where I'm concerned I could trust him"

"You are _not _stupid. He isn't the same guy as before Peyton. You know that. And of all the things I believe, he loves you. Even I can see it"

Peyton could hear the sadness in Haley's voice as she spoke those last few words. And for the first time she saw how hard all of this must have been for her. To come back still wanting the man you love to be there and be the same, to still feel the same way, only to find out that he has moved on. While you are still stuck in a past that you can't shake off.

"And I love him. No doubt I always will. But there are some things that just, you can't forget"

Peyton heard Haley sigh quietly "I_am_ sorry"

"I know you are Haley. But you know what? You don't have anything to be sorry for. Not to me anyway"

"I still am though"

Peyton closed her eyes. The phone call was staggering. And unexpected. In so many ways. The sentiment of Haley calling, just to apologise when really there was nothing to apologise for, it made her realise more than anything that she missed her friend. That she had no idea what was going on in her life because the moment Haley walked away from Tree Hill the only few point she had seen was Nathan's. The only side she had viewed it from was his. She had never given one second thought to how hard Haley may have found it, she had been too consumed by the pain that Nathan had felt.

"I'm sorry too Haley"

"What for?" Haley's voice was full of shock and questioning.

"This is probably the longest real conversation we have had since you left. I feel like I could have been more understanding..."

"Peyton, I made a choice that day. One that I stick by, even now. Some days I miss being there with all of you, but then I look around at what I'm achieving here, and well, the thought of all of you is what drives me to keep carrying on. I know I hurt a lot of people that day, maybe not everyone will be able to fully forgive me for that. But you really don't have to be sorry for how you reacted. Truth is if it had been reversed I would have acted the same"

"Thank you Haley"

"Goodbye Peyton"

Peyton set the phone down on her desk and quickly glanced at the clock, she'd really lost track of time today, and Lucas was going to be there any minute. As she pulled a black jumper and a pair of jeans out her closet, she tried not to think about the previous conversation, and just focused her energy on getting ready.

She pulled a pair of black boots out her closet, grabbed her jacket and bag off her bed and ran down the stairs. She knew Lucas too well, if she knew he said he would be somewhere at a certain time, he would be there ten minutes earlier, it was just Lucas' way.

She threw her bag and jacket onto the bottom of the stairs, sat down on the floor and began to pull her boots on when the door bell rang. She yelled for him to come in.

"How'd you know it'd be me? I could be a psycho or anything you know?"

"Well you called and said you'd pick me up Lucas - if you wanted it to be a surprise then the message was a bad idea"

Peyton struggled to pull the boot over her leg, and she heard Lucas start laughing as she pulled it harder and fell backwards.

"What you laughing about?"

Lucas laughing had stopped now, and his face had grown more thoughtful "Nothing just got deja-vu"

"Really?" Peyton sat up, getting the next boot on with more ease.

"Yeah, its nothing. You ready?"

Peyton stood up quickly and pulled her jacket on. "Yeah, lets go"

Lucas opened the door and held it for her "You look nice Peyton"

Peyton couldn't help but smile widely as she walked through the door with Lucas trailing behind "Thanks. You too"

Peyton stepped outside, it was a beautiful night and the cool air hit her face. The smile from before remained on her face as she walked slowly to the car with Lucas. Even as she got in the smile remained, and she opened her window. As Lucas began to drive she let her hand fall slightly out the window, allowing the cool breeze to skim through her fingers.

"Whats with you tonight? You seem different"

Peyton turned to Lucas, his expression was priceless, he looked confused. Almost like it was someone else entirely looking back at him.

"I don't know. But I feel like, things are going to be okay"

His expression soon changed to one of happiness and he turned his attention back to the road. Peyton slapped Lucas' hand away from stereo when he tried to pick the music, she leaned back in her seat and stretched her arm out the open window once again, listening to the sound filling the car, taking everything about the moment in, she turned to look at Lucas - he face still concentrating on the road, but she could see just from looking at him that he was doing the same, his eyes firmly on the road. But his mind a million miles away.

_That you are all that I need, for you I give my soul to keep, you see me, love me, just the way I am_

Peyton remained focused on Lucas - she watched him smile to himself occasionally, she wasn't sure what at, whether he knew that she was looking or something else going through he's mind. She eventually turned away from him looking out across the streets. She realised that she wasn't going where she had expected tonight. They were pulling up to the beach. As the car stopped Peyton turned to look at Lucas again. All he did was get out the car. She followed him as he moved round and sat on the bonnet. She moved round to stand in front of him.

"Lucas. What are we doing _here_?"

Lucas let out a long sigh and looked around him. Out across the view. "We're here because for a long time I've wanted to do the right thing, but somehow managed to end up doing the wrong thing. So now I figured it out, the best way to help someone is to give that person something you know they need"

Lucas raised his arm slightly and pointed out towards the beach. Peyton turned to see a fire burning in the distance, she was sure she could see a tall figure standing by it.

"I don't understand. What is this?"

"Go and find out"

Peyton was about to respond. But Lucas was already walking away and getting into the car. She looked back across the beach. The realisation as to exactly who was there suddenly hitting her. She turned back to look at Lucas. He was half way in the car before he stopped and looked at her again.

"I'll be seeing you"

* * *

Lucas got in the car as quickly as he could - he knew that if he had stayed any longer every instinct inside of him would have pulled Peyton back in that car with him - even though this whole evening had been he's idea he hadn't really thought about what it actually meant - he was pushing Peyton back to Nathan, making both of them happy, never once had he considered just how sad he was going to feel - and he could feel it now.

As he drove away look back in the mirror to see Peyton start to make her way down the beach and even though everything inside of him was screaming to turn around and call out to her - he knew he couldn't, that this was clearly what he had to do. Even though it hurt like hell to see the person he loved more than anything to walk away - he just kept telling himself that he wants her to be happy - and she didn't deserve to have that ruined. He sighed and turned up the stereo hoping that he could lose himself in music.

_Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry you don't know how lovely you are_

But every song he switched to just flickered memories in he's mind, all of them were of her, there was no shutting off not this time. He had spent so much time in her company he had been able to focus on helping her, but now he was alone, just him and the music, and there was no forgetting now, there was no focusing on her to take the attention away from how he was feeling.

Because the only thing he had now were the memories of her, of opportunity after opportunity of missed chances and regrets, all of them passed through he's mind, only adding onto the torture of not being able to have her, not being the one that gets to hold her, to kiss her, to be with her.

_I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart, tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, lets go back to the start_

That was all he could think of all those moments he wasted. Why had in been to blind to see what was always there in front of him? Why had he made the wrong choices time and time again. All he could think of was how afraid he had been back then, and he had never let it show, he felt like she had pushed him away and when she finally did let him in, when she did admit she wanted him, he was _so_ afraid, afraid of all the things she made him feel, and so afraid of being hurt by her the way he was the first time. The pain had been excruciating and it felt like it was something he would never get over, so he pushed her away. Hiding himself away again. But now in comparison to those fears he had, that was nothing. _This _was the worse pain imaginable. And it wasn't entirely sure he didn't deserve it.

_Running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a silence apart_

As he pulled up to his house, he stopped and leaned his head forward on the steering wheel, the music still blaring through the car, the words still ringing in he's head. And as he looked towards his house, he realised tonight was going to be a hard night, having been so used to having her with him and now to nothing, she wouldn't be coming to see him tonight - or any other night after this, not anymore.

He only wished he had appreciated those nights she had been there even more than he had, taking in everything about her all the things she said. As he opened the door to his room he stepped inside and placed his bedside lamp on and sat down at his desk. He starred at his laptop - and out of nowhere he opened it and turned it on - and without even thinking without questioning it, he did something that he hadn't done in a very long time - he started to write, without any idea of where it was going or what it was about.

* * *


	24. Chapter 24

_**Thanks so much for the reviews and again to anyone who is reading. It really means a lot to me. So thank you.**_

_**Here is the next half of this part, sorry it took me so long to get it posted, just been a bit busy. Anyways, I hope you enjoy comments and feedback are always appreciated **_

_**Claire xxx**_

* * *

Peyton swallowed hard before taking off her shoes and stepping onto the cool sand - without even having to ask Lucas she knew who it was waiting out there for her, and part of her wanted to run back into the car and just get Lucas to take her home. But another part of her knew she had to do this. She knew she would eventually have to speak to Nathan - whatever way it was going to be between them they had to talk - they had been through too much just to walk away.

She turned back once just to watch Lucas car pull away and drive off into the distance. She couldn't help but wonder why Lucas had done this, the thought left her mind as quickly as she thought and she turned to look at Nathan. She watched him, he's eyes fixed on the fire - completely lost in he's own thoughts, she smiled as she got closer to him. She missed the small things about him that she hadn't really appreciated before. The way his eyes grew squinty as he concentrated or was deep in thought, like right now, how they still had a depth to them even in his confusion.

"I was wondering why Brooke called me out here and told me there was a party going on and I turn up and I'm the only one here - with a fire. She get you too huh?"

He didn't turn to look at her once, his voice was soft and had a certain sense of relief to his tone, as if he was happy that she was here.

"Nope. Lucas. I think maybe they planned this whole thing"

Nathan let out a small laugh "Its kinda funny. The two people who hated us the most in the world a few months ago now trying to get us talking"

Peyton shook her head and went to stand beside him "They never hated us. We just lost ourselves for a while there" She remained looking at him, but his eyes stayed focused on the fire, never once turning to meet her gaze.

"Yeah we did"

Nathan brushed his hand through his hair nervously, Peyton sensed the change in his feelings instantly. As if there was something he needed to say, but didn't know how to start.

"I'm sorry for how I acted at the wedding. I was out of line, I shouldn't have said those things to you"

Peyton turned away from him, looking into the fire "None of us are perfect we've all done things that we wish we could change and go back and do differently"

Nathan didn't respond, all Peyton heard was a deep heavy sigh. He had expected her to be mad no doubt. For some reason she couldn't be mad. Initially she had been, but where would that get her now?

She moved from his side and away from the fire to step closer to the ocean, the waves softly crashing onto the sand, the noise leaving her feel calmer still.

"I love coming here. I remember all those times we would come here, it was like it was just the two of us you know - against the world. Nothing could harm us here"

"I loved that too - I miss it"

His voice sounded sad and full of regret, she couldn't make out if he had turned to look at her. But her mind was somewhere else now, completely lost in the memories of other times here.

"I miss it too. But you know what I hated about it - especially this one time we came here the Saturday slept on the beach and stayed Sunday too, and I remember thinking god tomorrow we have to go back to the real world and deal with everything thats out there - all the other people in the world are still there. It was like no matter how much I wanted it just to be you and me - I knew that it never could be. Because part of me knew that it wasn't real - because eventually all those things that I tried so hard to push out to hide from, they'd still be there. And for the longest time that feeling made me so sad because I didn't want that to be true - but then we started coming here less, and the less we came here, the more the real world took us in until it all just blended into one again"

Peyton was _there. _She could see herself with Nathan just those few months ago, running on the beach, happy and for a brief moment she allowed herself to get caught up in it, to be happy with the memory. Then it was crashing around her, the memories of everything that followed. Reality. Crashing in. Nathan was by her side now, still not looking at her, looking out at the ocean.

"Haley called me tonight" Peyton breathed in deeply and turned towards him, a sudden flurry of bravery coursing through her "I just I want you to know, that it was never about... I was mad at you for the lies Nathan. Because all my life I feel like I've had people promising me one thing and then always letting me down - always lying and you really were at that time the one person who I thought could never let me down - I actually believed that it just wasn't possible for you to do it, so when you did it was like everything crashed around me..."

Nathan turned to her for the first time, his eyes full of pain and regret almost begging with her to forgive him.

"Don't say that you're sorry. I know you are, and its not about being sorry. Its too late for that. I just needed you to know that..."

She can't finish the sentence as she meets his eyes again, still pleading with her. Still comforting and captivating her the same way they always have. She can't help but fall into his arms. Like instinct she is wrapping her arms around his waist, pulling her close to him. And he is holding onto her for dear life, pulling her as close as he can, clearly fearing how long the moment will last.

"I miss you so much Peyton"

Peyton isn't sure if she returns the same feeling out loud, or even if she needs to. All she can feel is Nathan holding onto her, just in that moment it is all she wants. She wants to be able to go back, to forget everything that has happened.

"I'm not so stupid to think that we can go back Peyton. I know you can't ever let this go. I'll never forgive myself for this. But we... we aren't ever going to be the same are we?"

She refuses to let go of him, but as she rests her head into her chest she shakes it "I'm sorry. But its not for the reason you think. Its not about what happened with you and Haley, I mean it is in a way but - its like ever since we got together I've been waiting for some big thing to happen you know? Something to just knock the life out of me.. and it did and in some ways it was what I needed because I've been so cut off - I felt like a ghost, I'd get up and go to school and do everything the same everyday but it didn't mean anything - the only time I felt anything was when I was with you, and I relied on you for it, and that was wrong, because more than anything I needed to rely on myself. I'm doing it even now, I'm relying on others and I can't do that anymore"

Nathan sighed heavily "You always do that you know?" Nathan reached his hands up to touch her face and pull it back slowly "For some reason you seem to think that you have to take care of yourself by yourself all the time. Its okay to let someone take care of you"

"Not if they're just gonna walk out of your life all the time and let you down"

"And not if you push them out all the time too P"

Peyton can feel his hands moving from her face and resting on her arms, there is a small distance between their bodies again, and all Peyton can think to do is close it.

"Peyton when I said I loved you, I meant that every time, because I do. Without you I'm not even sure if I would be standing here right now, because when Haley left me my life, like yours, was completely upside down and torn apart, the only thing that ever made me think clearly, that made me feel even remotely near normal was you. That's still true for me, whenever I feel like that you are the only one I think of, the only one that I know can take it away. And thats not a romantic thing or whatever you wanna call it - its just its for me... part of what we have, a part of what we _are"_

"I do love you Nathan. And I meant it too. And I do need you in my life, I just think both of us always knew that what we had it was never gonna last - because deep down inside it was based on the feelings we were harboring for other people, I know its not the same now, but back then..."

Nathan stepped away "No. I let Haley go a long time before you and me got together"

"You let her go and yet you had sex with her?"

Peyton tries to search his face for some kind of explanation, but he turns away running his hand through his hair again.

"You see? You see my point is _right_ there. You don't just get over it all of a sudden it doesn't magically go away those feelings, they linger there forever especially if its the kind of situations we were in..."

Nathan turns his head to face her again quickly "What do you mean?"

"I mean we were both clinging onto those other relationships, wanting them, needing them because they never had any closure, because neither of us got to experience what they really could be"

"Me and Haley. You and Lucas"

Peyton sighed "Somewhere in the back of my mind I never let him go. I told myself I had - I did and god knows I tried my hardest to believe it. I think if you were honest with yourself you'd see it too -"

Peyton makes her way to Nathan and he turns away, she moves around and stands in front of him, placing her hand on he's face.

" - you'd see that she's still there"

Nathan shook his head "You and I know more than anyone - that going back isn't an option"

"Yeah. But that doesn't mean that you can't have another try at something, that you can't go back and fight for what you lost. Its not always too late to make a change"

Peyton feels Nathan grab hold of her arms tightly pulling her closer to him "You can say whatever you want. You can justify it however you need to. But what you and me had, _was _real. It wasn't some kind of rebound from Haley. But at least I learnt one thing tonight. That's all I was to you"

"No I didn't mean it like that..."

"It's okay Peyton. I was waiting too. I was waiting for you to turn around and realise that he was who you wanted. I was waiting for him to see what had been there all along. He always had this hold over you that I could never understand. And you see that is where you are wrong. I had let Haley go, I just didn't realise it. I've made mistakes, a lot. Hurting Haley. Hurting you. But you and me being together is not something that I will put on that list. I don't want it to be seen as something that only happened out of wanting other people, I refuse to think of it like that"

Peyton wants to let go now, she wants to break out of his grasp, but he is still holding onto her strong. And he pulls her in closer to his body, wrapping his arms around her. And she gives in, sinking her head down onto his chest once more, listening to the comforting sound of his heartbeat. She knows he is right, and it only makes it all the harder to have to face the fact that this is it. That she will have to walk away. Two halves of her in complete conflict. The one that wants to stay here with Nathan and forget the world, and the other half. The one that knows the truth, that you really can't go back. All you can do is find a way to go from here.

_Nobody said it was easy - its such a shame for us to part - nobody said it was easy - no one ever said that it would be this hard - take me back to the start_

* * *

Lucas sighed and starred at he's computer screen it now all full of words, all full of the feelings and everything that was going on in he's life right now - and he felt released of some of it in a strange way - like writing it down and expressed how he was feeling finally - like all the things he had been wanting to say were coming out at last, and he knew he was far from being even slightly past how he was feeling, he knew that this would help him, and that it would be another thing to focus on another thing to keep the thoughts he had away.

He couldn't help but think of them - together on the beach and he tried to push it out of he's mind but the more he did the more they crept back, he tried to focus again back to the computer screen but that didn't work either, the words in front of him merging into a blur.

He thought about them talking, about the making up and about them... and slammed he's computer shut and stood up from he's chair and made he's way through to the kitchen, as he looked at the clock and saw that it was already 2am he resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn't sleep tonight, that any attempt he would make to would be futile. He went through the motions of making his coffee very slowly, hoping it would kill some time.

He looked from the kitchen down to his bedroom door and sighed, the room only served as a constant reminder of her. The faint sound of music was coming from the room as he grew closer. The lyrics taking him back to somewhere else.

_Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me and I rush to the start - running in circles, chasing our tails coming back as we are_

He opened the door slowly. He knew the song, he knew the presence in the room, he knew the feeling that was there, the only thing that confused him was why? Why was she there? He turned and she was standing leaning against the wall - the murial of the rivercourt in the background somehow seeming ironically significant.

"You know I remember hearing this song for the first time - there are those songs you know? That you remember where you were the first time you heard them they just stick in your head. It was at TRIC and it started playing and all the couples filled the floor and they looked so happy and content in each others arms - and I remembering thinking... what a bunch of idiots. The song is about losing that person about asking to take it back to a time when things were good - taking it back to the start. I didn't realise that there is something else to it. It's sad and tragic but also, its about a love that is strong, that you wish you could take back all those things that you did wrong all those mistakes you made and just for one moment tell that person that you need them more than anything and tell them all those things that you never got to say - because you just love them that much"

The light in the room is almost too dark for Lucas too see her clearly. But the moonlight coming through the window just about lights up her face as she steps closer to him. He feels like he should move, but he is still rooted to the spot. Lost in confusion as to why she is here.

"You know who made me realise that about this song?"

He steps backwards. He doesn't want her to finish the sentence. He already knows the answer. What she has come here to tell him. And he can't hear it. His heart is already broken enough to have to deal with her telling him that.

"_You_"

_I'm going back to the start_

It's almost as if everything has stopped. And he can swear that he just heard her say that, but he still can't register it, he moves across the room as though nothing was spoken, placing the cup down on the side before turning back to look at her, his eyes questioning.

"What you did tonight for me. For your brother. You are one of the most selfless people I know. You just give and you don't even realise how much that means. I don't know why you did it"

Lucas can feel himself backing further away from her as she moves closer to him. He is still trying to process what she said before, all the words mixing into one. He keeps moving further away until he is stopped by the wall.

"I need you to say it now Lucas. Because this..." she stops just inches away from him, motioning between the two of them "...this is just too much distance between us right now I need you tell me either to stop moving towards you and tell me to leave... or you need to tell me to stay, tell me to walk over to you... I need to hear you say it... I've been completely stupid. All the way back hear I was thinking why would Lucas do this... and then it hit me and I can't believe how stupid I've been... So I need you to say it..."

"Peyton..."

She moves closer to him and he can't stand it, he doesn't understand and he moves away back across the room again "What happened tonight? I thought you and Nathan... I mean you sorted everything out right?"

"This isn't about me and Nathan right now. This is about you and me"

"I just want you to be happy Peyton. You love him, and I want him to be happy too, that's all that matters"

"What about you? Are you happy?"

He looks down at the ground, he can see her out of the corner of his eye moving towards him again. He doesn't move away this time, defeated he lets her reach out to him, her hand gently holding his arm.

"I left that feeling along time ago"

"_Why_?"

As he turns to look at her, he catches her eyes, they are full of questioning "You know why"

Peyton remains silent, but moves her hand away, moving her body to stand in front of him. Her hands resting on his chest, grabbing at his shirt.

"I need you to say it"

He looks down at her hands - he moves he's hands up to cover hers pulling her slightly closer towards him - and thats it there is nothing else Lucas can do he knows this is it, as he looks down into her eyes - those eyes that he has wanted to look at him like that for so long, the ones he has dreamed about - the moment being so perfect between them everything in the room being as it should be, music echoing through the room, and he is lost completely and utterly in her - no way of ever coming back from it all.

"I don't... I'm not..."

Reality. It hits the hardest just at that moment when you think everything could be perfect.

_Nobody said it was easy_

It hits at that moment when you least expect it - its that feeling of waking up in the middle of a dream and your convinced its real, its the feeling that you get when that phone rings at 2am and the only thoughts that go through your mind are bad ones.

_Nobody said it would be so hard_

And that was the feeling for Lucas, as he stood there with the one thing he wanted more in this world standing in front of him, the phone ringing through he's ears and all he could think of was the worst - and it was all like a dream as he moved away from Peyton still keeping their hands joined - pulling her with him towards the phone as he picked it up - to answer what was awaiting him on the other end of the line.

"Hello? ... No its Lucas Scott her son"

And there it was the crash back to reality the feeling that you get, that sickness deep down in your stomach when you are waiting for something to go wrong, when you waiting for someone to wake you up from what you pray is a nightmare – even as the words ring in Lucas ears from the line, he is holding onto Peyton, holding onto the dream, and at the same time praying he could just wake up.

"_I'm afraid Keith Scott was involved in a car accident this evening. I'm very sorry - but he didn't make it_"


	25. AN

So I have just the crappiest news.

My computer crashed a couple of days ago, so I had to reset the whole system and I lost all my files I had saved on my computer including this story. I had it all written and ready to post the chapters, but now its gone.

I am moving in a couple of days as well and I really don't know when I am going to be able to get my computer up to where I am moving, seeing as I am crashing with a friend for a while. Once I am settled and all that hopefully I'll be able to get my stories finished.

Thanks so much to anyone who has been reading and many apologies, I hope you'll come back and carry on reading when I start posting again,

Claire

xx


	26. Authors Note

**Hello all,**

**So I am some what finally settled after my move, and before I left, like I said I lost all my chapters that I had written of When You Come Back and Centre of Attention, by some kind of miracle and me being dumb and just forgetting, I had posted both the stories on another forum, and I remembered this the other day. So I now have them both saved on this computer and hopefully soon can get some updates up. I hope some of you out there are still interested in reading, sorry it has taken me so long to get these up. I am hoping they will be by the weekend.**

**Thanks,**

**Claire x**


	27. Chapter 25

**Hey. So fairly sure everyone will have given up on this by now. I do apologise for the crazy wait. It's just been a mad few months and its taken a while to get settled. But I sat down tonight and worked on some of this and thought I'd post this bit. I'm quite disconnected with it to be honest. just because its been a while since I've written any One Tree Hill fiction. I hope its okay. It's not perfect, that I know. But I do hope if you are still reading that you enjoy it. **

**Claire x**

_**Chapter 25**_

_And you think you understand it - this life that you live. The world that spins around us beneath our feet. It all seems to make so much sense - until you let go and you fall through the atmosphere - you soon learn there is everything to fear._

Lucas leaned back against he's door - he breathed in deeply and regained he's composure he had to - he had to wait a few moments before pulling himself from the door opening it and stepping out back into all those people, all those faces. Looking around the room, he thought about that night - the night everything changed in so many ways - he hadn't cried, he had never allowed himself to cry about it. He went automatically into auto pilot - it was like something inside of him took over - go see the body call he's Mum and Dan, call the family, organise the funeral have the funeral and now he here is was all that had been done. What was he supposed to do now? He needed something else to lose himself in, because if he stopped it would make it real it would mean that he was actually gone, and he couldn't be gone - it wasn't possible.

Its something you never think about, you always expect certain people to always be there, you never let yourself imagine what your life could be like if they ever... and he couldn't say the words not even in he's head, he couldn't let this be real, there had to be some kind of mistake - it had to all be some kind of nightmare and he was going to wake up and Keith would be there, yelling at him for some stupid thing he had done.

He shut he's eyes and leaned he's head back onto the door. the noise of people talking outside seemed deafening to him, always the same thing over and over again _"I'm sorry..." "How are you doing?"_ Always the same thing, none of it meaning anything, none of it real. Because the real answer to that question was something that no one wanted to here, everyone wanted the _"I'm doing okay"_ answer, when the truth was he wasn't doing okay, everything wasn't going to be alright. Everything seemed to be falling around him and he couldn't change or stop any of it.

The door opened on to he's back, and he stepped forward and didn't turn to see who it was. He already knew, the same person who had been there with him every day, holding he's hand getting everything sorted out with him. He finally turned to the sad face, her green eyes filled with tears and her blonde curls tied back.

He knew she would never ask how he was doing, she hadn't asked him once, and maybe because she knew how he was doing, she could see it already. She started to walk towards him and he edged back, he couldn't be close to her to anyone - he knew if he was it would only release everything that he was feeling - the tears would come, and he had to be strong for everyone, he couldn't breakdown not now, not here.

He knew she meant well and he was grateful, but he was certain that if she asked him how he was, he would break. "I better get back out there."

He made he's way to the door, but her hand stopped it, she entwined her fingers with he's and squeezed lightly. He turned to face her, the tears now falling down her face, he pulled her in close to him, resting her head on he's chest, softly stroking her hair.

"Come on Peyt. Let's go back."

She only nodded into he's chest, and grabbed he's hand again. As they moved through the living room, people were starting to make their way out the door to go home, he sighed slightly relieved and slightly petrified of the inevitable silence that he knew would follow.

He was greeted by sympathetic smiles throughout the room, he gripped onto Peyton's hand tighter and made he's way to the kitchen, she squeezed he's hand and let go - moving over to talk to Brooke. He watched the two of them hug and linger in each other's embrace, they both as Lucas did, clearly couldn't believe this was real. He poured himself some coffee and was met with a hand on he's shoulder; he turned to see Nathan staring at him.

There was an awkward moment when neither of them knew really what to do, but suddenly all the other stuff that was going on seemed irrelevant and Nathan hugged he's brother, for probably the third time that they had known each other, Lucas moved away quickly, and Nathan nodded.

"I don't know what to say or to do..."

"There's nothing anyone can do."

Nathan nodded sadly again "How's your Mum?"

Lucas really wasn't sure if he could do this, it was just mindless small talk and even though he knew Nathan meant well, it was so hard to fight back the anger he felt. "She seems okay I guess..."

"I know stupid question."

Lucas sighed heavily "its okay Nathan. It's just..."

"I get it. I'm going to check on my Mum."

Before Nathan could turn away completely Lucas grabbed hold of his arm turning him back. "Debs here?"

"She got here last night Luke, remember?"

The truth was he didn't remember, he had seemed to be doing that. blocking things out, blocking people out, consumed by he's own thoughts, he looked and Nathan and just nodded, before turning and heading over to Karen. He was trying to be there for his Mum, and she was for him, neither of them seemed to want to be one who broke down first, so they were holding each other, just getting through each day. The time would inevitably come when that would all break.

Peyton watched him walk away, that spirit completely gone, the thing that made Lucas, well Lucas was gone. He looked completely lost and alone and watching him was excruciating. She hadn't realised but she had her hand held to her chest, it felt like it was breaking for Lucas under her fingertips, her hand was pulled and away and fingers gripped round her hand resting it at her side, she turned to see Brooke watching Lucas with her.

"So how's he doing?"

"Not good."

Peyton's voice cracked as she spoke, she hadn't seemed able to stop the tears all day, she had tried to be strong for him, to be the stronger of the two, but she felt like he had almost been comforting her than the other way round.

"He just, he doesn't say anything about it Brooke, it's like if he doesn't say it, it's not real."

"That's understandable though Peyton. You remember what it was like..."

" I know... it's just. He hasn't even cried, I've been with him all the time, every time I went to leave, he gave me this look you know? Like he didn't want me to leave, so I stayed and he hasn't cried."

"You know Lucas better than anyone - but I know him and this is what he does, he never lets he's feelings show, it's a trait you and him share."

Peyton nodded and sighed heavily. She turned away from Lucas and faced Brooke. "I just wish this hadn't happened, Keith was a good guy he doesn't deserve this, god he's family doesn't deserve this."

"I know. " Brooke glanced in Lucas direction and then back at Peyton. "All we can do is be there."

Peyton knew Brooke was right, but it was so easy to say, everything was easy to say, she had been here she had lived this and it almost hurt just as much to have to see Lucas go through this, to have to go through the pain of having to suffer having someone who he saw as a father die. What was there to say to make anything better, there were no words. She sometimes wondered if she was even helping. But then she remembered when her Mum died and Brooke would come and sit with her every night and just hold her hand, never really speaking just sitting, and that's what she had done with Lucas, she remembered how much that had comforted her, that small gesture had meant so much.

"Peyt, I'm going to go home and get changed. All the guys are meeting up at Tric tonight you know just to hang out all together. Maybe you can see if Lucas wants to come?"

Peyton nodded. " I'll ask him, but..."

"I know. I know that you want to be there for him Peyton, but something's they just take figuring out on your own. You know - it'll happen when he's ready and these things they don't just take getting over so quickly..."

"You think I don't I know that?" Peyton knew she had snapped, and she hadn't meant to, she just felt helpless.

"Of course you do. I'm sorry, it's just I worry about you, you know? You're taking care of him, but take care of yourself too. Okay?"

Peyton nodded at her Brooke and watched her leave. Everyone else was following slowly out the door, leaving Karen, Dan and Lucas standing together. She suddenly felt like an intruder on a private moment. Lucas looked uncomfortable as Dan began to speak, and they all seemed to move closer together, clearly much to Lucas irritation. She turned away and headed into the kitchen. The piles of dishes were high on the counter and she ran the water in the sink. Perhaps she couldn't go out there and be there for him right now, but maybe she could at least help.

"You don't have to do that."

She didn't need to turn around, Lucas soft voice travelled through the kitchen. She wondered how long he had stood there watching her. She spoke without turning her head.

"I know, but I want to help."

There was what felt like a long pause and Peyton continued to wash the dishes, after a few moments she heard the chair move against the floor.

"Thank you Peyton."

She turned her head, still washing the dishes and smiled. "Anytime."

He stood up from the chair slowly and moved to stand beside her, still watching her closely. "I mean it Peyton. You have no idea what it's meant to me. You being here."

Peyton nodded, a feeling of relief washed through her, she was just happy she was helping she had wondered for the last few days if she even had been.

"I think I should go." She gestured towards the lounge where Dan and Karen sat.

"No, it's okay. Mum's fine..."

"I know that. It's just I haven't been home properly in a few days and I feel like I need to go back you know?"

"Okay."

"I'll come back. I promise. Brooke mentioned that everyone is going..."

"Nate said something about that earlier."

Peyton nodded. "You feel like going?"

"I don't know..."

"It's okay, we can just stay if you want."

"You don't have to do that..."

"Lucas, do you want me here?"

"You know I do."

"Great. Then I'll be back in a bit." Peyton smiled again and then moved towards the door. She turned back and moved to stand directly in front of Lucas, immediately pulling him to a tight hug.

Lucas holds onto her tightly, almost like he never wants to let her go - and when he does it hurts to watch her walk away and out the door. How is it that two weeks ago he could have had everything he wanted with her maybe that night would have been the start and now he had no idea what was going on. He realised that being selfless had bought him this? He put others first and this is what it had bought him. He started to think that he should have gone back with Keith that he never even should have come back in the first place none of this would have happened.

"Luke sweetie..."

Lucas turned around quickly, his Mum was standing a few steps away from him. Her eyes were puffy and Dan stepped forward to place a hand on her shoulder, Lucas flinched and he had to get away.

I think I'm just going to go to my room."

**I've grown to see the philosophy of my own mistrust - we all have our faults, mine come in waves that you turn to rust**

"Are you sure? Me and your father were going to..."

"He is _not _my father. We put my father in the ground today."

Lucas recognised the look on his Mum's face, she looked like Lucas had just hit her and she recoiled back, opening her mouth to speak but nothing came out. He was so angry that even now she couldn't find anything to say, that it was all about _him. _

"Do you even care Mum?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"It's a pretty easy one. Do you?"

"Of course I care Lucas, I loved Keith. Don't you think that you're the only one who lost someone. We're all in pain, we all cared about Keith."

Lucas laughed bitterly "Yeah right, because _that _man really cared about he's brother. And you, you reject him and send him away to be alone - is that showing that you care?"

Lucas' anger was too much for him now, everything that he had been holding onto was leaving him all at once and he didn't want it to be like this, he didn't want to take it out on his Mum, but with every look he watched the two of them share it made him feel sick. Dan was silent as his Mum asked him to leave.

"That is not how it was."

" He loved you Mum, he gave up everything for you. He helped raise me, he was there through every single important thing in my life. And you chose that man in there over Keith. Why?"

"I know what Keith did for us how he helped us, I never wanted him to leave again the way he did, I wanted him to stay - it was him who couldn't it was too hard for him..."

"Yeah too hard to see the woman he loved with that son of a bitch"

"Do _not_ talk about him like that Lucas, whether you like it or not he is part of your life and he is your father and that is something you can't change."

Everything was gone now, any sense of holding back was lost on him. The anger was rising over every single thing that had gone wrong, all the things he had been holding the blame for he threw them all back.

"HE WILL NEVER BE MY FATHER. It may be in blood but anything else that I learned did not come from him, and stop changing this conversation... stop changing it so you don't have to deal with how guilty you feel..."

"I don't think I'm the one that feels guilty Luke. I think you do and I'm trying to figure out why..."

Karen stepped towards him, he could see the questions in her eyes and he just wanted to turn away. He didn't want anyone to see this for what it really was, for what he really was.

"Well done Mum. Put it back on me, I have nothing to feel guilty about, I was there for him _you _are the one who walked away, and you never deserved to have someone like him in your life if all you were going to do was just drop him whenever your first choice came back."

And with that Lucas felt the sting across he's face - but he wasn't surprised, it was almost as if every word that had come out of he's mouth was asking for it, he wanted that reaction - he had wanted her to react like that - he needed to push he's blame onto someone else to take it away from him - he hated the fact that he was doing it but the words fell from he's mouth and once they had there was no taking them back.

He just turned away slowly and made he's way to he's room shutting the door calmly behind him, and he lay down on he's bed and stared at the ceiling.

Lucas woke up disoriented slightly - he didn't quite have any recollection of what day it was - as he turned to look at he's clock he realised it was the same day - it was just three hours later - but three hours sleep was better than the zero hours he had got the past few nights, he sighed lifting himself off the bed and started to remove he's tie, and throwing it to the floor - he looked around the mess of all the books not put in the bookshelves still scattering the floor - they all suddenly meant very little to him, the thing that he held onto so tightly that he wanted to lose himself in had lost its meaning - how could he get that back? He quickly locked the door into he's room from the house - desperately wanting to avoid another confrontation with he's Mum, but he heard the door shut and the sound of people leaving so he assumed they had just left him to be.

It dawned on him that he was alone - he moved over to he's bedside table and took off he's watch placing it on the side he looked up at he's reflection in the mirror and he looked tired and too old to be as young as he was, there was too much pain behind he's eyes. Around the mirror were scattered images - ones of him and Nathan, him and Haley, him and Peyton, and there it was - staring at him Keith and him smiling and laughing. And that was it that was all it took to finally make him realise that it was true he was gone.

He felt the sharp pain as he's fist hit the glass, he felt the trickle of blood pour down he's arm as he relentlessly smashed at he's reflection, slowing stopping as he found the wall punching it fiercely, leaning into the wall as he's punching slowed down - tears finally forming in he's eyes and sobs loudly coming from him - he turned round crumbling to the floor into a heap - the pain in he's arm now hitting in -

"Lucas.. I'm back..."

Peyton stopped dead at the sight in front of her, she had seen Lucas in a bad state but not like this, not as bad as the shell before her, she lifted him with little help from him and sat him on the bed, she ran out the room grabbing the first aid box from the kitchen, and she sat down calmly next to him, still watching him as the tears fell from he's eyes.

She looked at the broken glass scattered across the floor, and then down to he's arm again.

"Luke..." She touched his face slightly, running her fingers through his hair. "Luke I'm going to have to take this off so I can take care of your arm."

He didn't move just remained still just looking into her eyes. She unbuttoned he's shirt slowly and carefully over he's arm, he flinched in pain as the material moved away from the cut.

**Some of us laugh, some of us cry, some of us smoke, some of us lie, but it's all just the way that we cope with our lives.**

"This was my fault."

Peyton looked up at his face, but before she could speak he was already answering her.

"Keith. All of it. If I had stayed with him, and not come back here. I ruin everyone's life that I touch, Brooke, Nathan and you."

Peyton shook her head. "This is _not _your fault Lucas. It's life. These things happen and there isn't an explanation. Sometimes, there isn't anything or anyone to blame."

"But I need something. There needs to be someone to blame, there has to be and it's me Peyton, it is."

"No its not."

"It what I do. Look at what I did to you. I ruined your life."

Peyton pulled the bandage tightly and stared at him again. "Is that what you think?"

"I know it."

"Lucas, you... you are one of the best things that ever happened in my life - we've all had pain and suffered, but you know for me the one person who I always knew I would need to help me when I felt like that was you."

"I just want it to go away - this feeling that I could have done something... I want to feel anything but this... "

"You will... I promise you will..."

Peyton could feel Lucas hands running up her arms, pulling their bodies closer together, their foreheads resting together now.

"What you said about that I am the only one who can help you? I feel the same about you - you know that right? Peyton you make sense out of all the madness and bad things that happen - you..."

" I know."

"Just tell me it's going to be okay."

Peyton moved Lucas face with her hands, making sure their eyes met before she spoke. " It will be, in time it will be."

Lucas leaned in closer brushing he's lips against hers, once, twice, and again before pulling away too look into her eyes again - he didn't want this to be nothing to only be happening because of what was going on in their lives right now, he wanted it to mean something.

**My wandering soul found solace at last, I wanted to know how long it would last.**

He wanted her to feel all the things that he was feeling as he kissed her - and before he could start to speak to her, her lips found he's again - her hands entwined in he's hair pulling her closer to him - he's hands moving down her arms again moving around her waist pulling her closer as he leaned back on the bed, she pushed against he's chest and kissed softly down he's neck, he bought her up to face her - wanting to see it in her eyes that this was more than just a passing moment - but something that the both of them had wanted for such a long time - it was like half of them had been missing and now as he held her close to he's body every seemed to become clear - this was so much more than either of them had anticipated or expected from the night - she had expected to be there for him the way he needed a friend to be - but in that moment when he was there in front of her kissing her telling her what she wanted to hear from him for longer than she can remember - she had to be closer to him - to feel what it was like to be with him and she knew as she looked down into he's eyes that he was feeling the same - that nothing else mattered outside that room tonight - the whole world could have been falling apart around them and it wouldn't have mattered.

**The heart that I stole, I'm not giving back, never giving back**


End file.
